going for a walk

who is jakob maltese ?

2011-01-02T14:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Reader,

this is a blog about the sociopath Jakob Maltese.
You might have googled "Jakob Maltese" or "Jakob Dalgaard Maltese" and suprisingly this link showed up.

If you were (virtually) contacted by Jakob Maltese and are confused about his behaviour I kindly advise you to read this blog. It might give you some useful insights about him and it might even help to protect you from emotional damage.

I wrote the blog for two reasons:

1. To protect me.
When I broke up with Jakob Maltese he never stopped trying to gain back control over me. He kept stalking, he kept telling lies (about me), he kept disrespecting and he kept using people against me. Apart from his cynical psyche I unfortunately also had to experience in our relationship what else he is able to do and I am saying it here again: He choked me, he threatened me, he was sexual assaulting, he violated me physically. (and i am not talking about passion crime, i am talking about intentional severe violation)
That this perhaps never happen again to anyone else (which I strongly hope) doesn't mean it is not part of his personaltiy anymore. I keep considering him as a dangerous person.

2. To warn others.
Jakob Maltese has conscienceless used many people in his life. There will be good reasons why nobody exposed him so far. Maybe out of shame or another reason could be that people don't want to be remembered on bad times in their life and wish nothing more than to forget and to go on. I couldn't understand it more. Still I felt the blog should be written for those of us who don't want to deal with jerks in their life and because his masked personality requires more than the usual knowledge about human facets. I strongly recommend to read the book "Without conscience" written by Dr. Robert Hare for further information.

If you are not sure if this is the Jakob Maltese you are in contact with please check out the chapter "pseudonyms & aliases" here in the blog.

Please be aware of his reaction in case you're gonna ask him about my blog. I am sure you are here because his kind and charming words blew you away. He appears interesting and you want to know more. Yes, he will charm you with the nicest words you might have ever heard and then he certainly will try to tell you arrogant that the blog is all a lie and that people like me want him bad. Be smart, don't believe him. Jakob was always good in playing the victim but none of his word is true.
As far as it concerns me, I am truly glad that the chapter is over. My feet are on the ground, my head is in the air and sometimes vice versa. I have many interesting and very dear friends which own and deserve all abundance of my heart. I am loyal to my happiness & live a great pulsating life.

Good luck,
D.

tv documentation about psychopathy (german language)

2011-01-02T14:12:00.003-08:00

how they get so good at manipulation

2011-01-02T14:12:00.002-08:00

written by Kathy Krajco

It's a known fact that narcissists and psychopaths have amazing powers to sucker and manipulate people. Your typical street con artist is a good example. Authorities warn us not to laugh at the victim and think that we ourselves would never be stupid enough to fall for a con artist's scheme. Indeed, people en masse often fall for one to elect that guy President for Life. Psychopaths routinely sucker even their therapists. Even while still teenagers, they are expert enough at manipulation to do so.

When you are outside the con job's sphere of influence, you see clearly. You wonder what the heck the conned person is thinking. To you it couldn't be more obvious that this is a con job - the warning sirens are blaring. But the mark is oblivious. You wonder what "got into" him or her. They seem under a spell. You see them doing things like automatons, remotely controlled by the manipulator. All he need to do is drop hints to control through the mere power of suggestion and - BOOM - the conned person is thinking or doing exactly what the manipulator wants. The victim might as well be a hand or foot of his.

This is truly spooky. How does it happen?

I studied etymology, and what I learned from the archaic root meanings of words convinced me that the mythology of darkness and magic gradually evolved from a lexicon of language struggling to deal with this seemingly magical power some people have.

But it isn't magic.

The problem is that we have no idea how good at manipulation some people are. They are so good at it, that when we find out how good they are, it blows our mind. How do they get so good at it?

Are these narcissists just brilliant, with astronomical IQs? Well, the more intelligent they are, the more dangerous they are, of course. But, no, they aren't all intelligent. They don't have to be.

It's just a simple matter of "practice makes perfect."

You too would be that good a manipulator if you practiced manipulating people 24-7-365 for a lifetime.

When we interact with others, we are usually trying to communicate. Only rarely are we trying to make an impression instead. Narcissists and psychopaths are always trying to make an impression. They are never trying to communicate. In fact, they block attempts to communicate.

Remember when you were a teenager and met that cool guy or gal? In that situation, we are so busy trying to make a good impression that we do embarrassing things. We are so busy trying to SOUND clever that we say the stupidest things. Our mouths get ahead of our brains.

While we are putting on this star-studded performance, we aren't listening to him or her. We are interested only in the KIND of thing they say and the tone of voice they say it in. Their gestures and body language - we don't miss a beat. We aren't interested in their face, only the expression on it. Why? Because we are studying their continuing reaction to our actions: Ah! a smile! Oh-oh, a frown! OK - there - I got the smile back again. Oh good, s/he stepped closer to me.

See what I'm getting at? When we are operating in this mode, everything we say and do is for effect. We observe the effects and tune our behavior to win the kind of reaction we want. In other words, we are PLAYING that person for the reaction we want. We are trying to manipulate him or her. We are manipulating that smile from him or her. If one thing we say or do doesn't win it, we just try something else and keep trying things till we hit upon what impresses that person as something to smile at. Hence, if we blow it and get a frown instead, in our haste to transform it to a smile we can contradict ourselves in two seconds flat.

We are not being ourselves when we do this. We are quite literally being someone else. We are putting on an act. Our true character doesn't come through, because we are acting out the part of an idealized version of ourselves, an impressive idealized version of ourselves, a purely fictitious character. All because our aim isn't to communicate - it's simply to make an impression.

We can laugh about this rite of passage into sexual adulthood now. It's so awkward. We prefer the company of people we can be ourselves with. But even in adulthood people occasionally go into this mode. In a job interview, for example. Or when meeting a famous or important person.

We never get good at manipulating people though, because we seldom get into this mode where we try to.

Now imagine if you were in this mode all the time with everyone your whole life. That's a lot of practice. Through sheer trial and error, you will become an expert at what produces a smile in another person, or a frown or a look of fear or dejection or shame or anger or whatever you want. You will become an expert at what makes them get mad at some third party you are talking about. You will become an expert at what pushes people's buttons to do a whole list of things you want in various situations. You will be an expert at controlling people this way.

That's what narcissists are, psychopaths are - experts, because they are in this mode all the time with everyone their whole life. Is it even possible for them to cut it out? I doubt it. They don't even know what normal human interaction is. They are always just trying to make an impression. They are never trying to communicate. They block communication. They don't want you to know them. The real them, that is. It's their deepest, darkest secret.

Being in this mode explains why they contradict themselves so fast and furiously when you lock horns with them. Why they are a nervous blur and never hear what you say. Why they don't later recognize your face or remember your name. They aren't paying attention to any of that in a conversation. What you are saying and what they are saying gets tuned out because it doesn't matter to them. Neither does the matter you are discussing. They will say the sky is purple if they think it will draw the reaction from you that they want.

That's a lifetime of 24-7-365 practice at conning and manipulation. Practice makes perfect. So, never, never, never underestimate their powers of con artistry and manipulation. They can and will fool ANYONE.

(Source: http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/10/how-narcissists-get-so-good-at.html)

how to cope with sociopaths ?

2011-01-02T14:12:00.001-08:00

Just when you think you've put it ALL behind you, the drama tends to continue... Here is some advice that can help you disengage with this type of person.

1. Since sociopaths are takers, they tend to be attracted to givers. If you are assertive and can stand up for yourself they wont want to tangle with you. Don't live your life as a doormat, or they will take the invitation to wipe their feet on you.

2. Do your best to avoid them socially. If it is someone that you are in a more intimate relationship with, cut off ties. It sounds harsh, but you have to take care of you and a sociopath will do everything in their power to see that that does not happen.

3. If it is someone you cannot escape such as a family member, limit your contact with them and seek help from a professional in dealing with them. There are various support groups both online and off, find one and participate.

4. Sociopaths thrive on being the center of attention, don't give them that opportunity. It may be your life, but to them it is just a game that they will find a way to win it at all costs. You will lose, so don't willing lose any more than you have to.

5. Sociopaths seek drama, do not give it to them. Conversations will get twisted, action will be misconstrued, and you can bet they will come out looking like the victim. No matter what you do, they will insist that you have violated them in some way, so don't even give them that chance.

6. Don't wait around for a sociopath to experience guilt, shame, or remorse for their actions. It will not happen, they don't see anything wrong with themselves. They may fake emotions for a short time, but will continue the same behaviors.

7. Do not ever give a suspected sociopath access to your money or belongings. If you just met someone who is super charming, and wants your money do not give it to them. You will never see it again. Be on the lookout for those red flags and don't ignore them.

8. Sociopaths often present themselves as experts and work very hard to earn your trust. Before you give anyone your money, check them out. This is especially important online where you can't always get a real feel for them.

9. Don't just accept the references they give you, do a search and find out for yourself if they have any skeletons.

10. A sociopath is very good at only allowing the world to see what they want them to see. If they present themselves as perfect, never making any mistakes, and are secretive about their past, beware.

11. If you can avoid it, never get into a legal battle with a sociopath. They are accomplished liars, and will have the court eating out of their hand in no time. It will cost you a great deal of time and money, but in the end all it does is further your stress.

12. If you begin to suspect you are dealing with a sociopath and things are getting ugly, document, document, document. Save every bit of correspondence from them, carry a tape recorder, videotape their tantrums. Keep a journal record of all interactions no matter how small, they are admissible in court.

13. Finally, whatever you do, do not try to get even with them. You are playing by a set of rules, they are making up the rules as they go. While you may be a law abiding citizen, they will have no problem breaking the law. While you are bound by conscience, they have none.

"Never wrestle with a pig, you will both get dirty but the pig will like it."

A sociopath can and will destroy your life if you let them, and they will enjoy doing it. The most important thing of all is take care of yourself, do not allow stubbornness or pride to take you in even further. Knowing when to walk away can be your most important tool when dealing with a sociopath. Use it, and live to fight another day.
_______________________________________________________________

Dr. M. Stout (Professor at Harvard Medical School) has outlined 13 rules that people should follow to deal most effectively with Psychopaths.

1. Accept that some people literally have no conscience, and that these people do not often look like Charles Manson or a Ferengi bartender. They look like us.

2. In a contest between your instincts and what is implied by the role a person has taken on -- educator, doctor, leader, animal-lover, humanist, parent -- go with your instincts.

3. Whether you want to be or not, you are a constant observer of human behavior, and your unfiltered impressions, though alarming and seemingly outlandish, may well help you out if you will let them. Your best self understands, without being told, that impressive and moral-sounding labels do not bestow conscience on anyone who did not have it to begin with.

4. When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has.

Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy. One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly.

5. Do not give your money, your work, your secrets, or your affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.

6. Question authority.
Once again -- trust your own instincts and anxieties, especially those concerning people who claim that dominating others, violence, war, or some other violation of your conscience is the grand solution to some problem. Do this even when, or especially when, everyone around you has completely stopped questioning authority. Recite to yourself what Stanley Milgram taught us about obedience. (At least six out of ten people will blindly obey a present, official-looking authority to the bitter end.) The good news is that having social support makes people somewhat more likely to challenge authority. Encourage those around you to question, too.

7. Suspect flattery.
Compliments are lovely, especially when they are sincere. In contrast, flattery is extreme, and appeals to our egos in unrealistic ways. It is the material of counterfeit charm, and nearly always involves an intent to manipulate. Manipulation through flattery is sometimes innocuous and sometimes sinister. Peek over your massaged ego and remember to suspect flattery. This "flattery rule" applies on an individual basis, and also at the level of groups and even whole nations. Throughout all of human history and to the present, the call to war has included the flattering claim that one's own forces are about to accomplish a victory that will change the world for the better, a triumph that is morally laudable, justified by its humane outcome, unique in human endeavor, righteous, and worthy of enormous gratitude. Since we began to record the human story, all of our major wars have been framed in this way, on all sides of the conflict, and in all languages the adjective most often applied to the word war is the word holy. An argument can easily be made that humanity will have peace when nations of people are at last able to see through this masterful flattery.

8. If necessary, redefine your concept of respect.
Too often, we mistake fear for respect, and the more fearful we are of someone, the more we view him or her as deserving of our respect.
Let us use our big human brains to overpower our animal tendency to bow to predators, so we can disentangle the reflexive confusion of anxiety and awe. In a perfect world, human respect would be an automatic reaction only to those who are strong, kind, and morally courageous. The person who profits from frightening you is not likely to be any of these.

The resolve to keep respect separate from fear is even more crucial for groups and nations. The politician, small or lofty, who menaces the people with frequent reminders of the possibility of crime, violence, or terrorism, and who then uses their magnified fear to gain allegiance is more likely to be a successful con artist than a legitimate leader. This too has been true throughout human history.

9. Do not join the game.
Intrigue is a sociopath's tool. Resist the temptation to compete with a seductive sociopath, to outsmart him, psychoanalyze, or even banter with him. In addition to reducing yourself to his level, you would be distracting yourself from what is really important, which is to protect yourself.

10. The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to avoid him, to refuse any kind of contact or communication.
Psychologists do not usually like to recommend avoidance, but in this case, I make a very deliberate exception. The only truly effective method for dealing with a sociopath you have identified is to disallow him or her from your life altogether. Sociopaths live completely outside of the social contract, and therefore to include them in relationships or other social arrangements is perilous. Begin this exclusion of them in the context of your own relationships and social life. You will not hurt anyone's feelings. Strange as it seems, and though they may try to pretend otherwise, sociopaths do not have any such feelings to hurt.
You may never be able to make your family and friends understand why you are avoiding a particular individual. Sociopathy is surprisingly difficult to see, and harder to explain. Avoid hi/her anyway.

If total avoidance is impossible, make plans to come as close as you can to the goal of total avoidance.

11. Question your tendency to pity too easily.
Respect should be reserved for the kind and the morally courageous. Pity is another socially valuable response, and should be reserved for innocent people who are in genuine pain or who have fallen on misfortune. If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.

Related to this -- I recommend that you severely challenge your need to be polite in absolutely all situations. For normal adults in our culture, being what we think of as "civilized" is like a reflex, and often we find ourselves being automatically decorous even when someone has enraged us, repeatedly lied to us, or figuratively stabbed us in the back. Sociopaths take huge advantage of this automatic courtesy in exploitive situations.

Do not be afraid to be unsmiling and calmly to the point.

12. Do not try to redeem the unredeemable.
Second (third, fourth, and fifth) chances are for people who possess conscience. If you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, know how to swallow hard and cut your losses.

At some point, most of us need to learn the important if disappointing life lesson that, no matter how good our intentions, we cannot control the behavior-- let alone the character structures-- of other people. Learn this fact of human life, and avoid the irony of getting caught up in the same ambition he has-- to control.

If you do not desire control, but instead want to help people, then help only those who truly want to be helped. I think you will find this does not include the person who has no conscience.

The sociopath's behavior is not your fault, not in any way whatsoever. It is also not your mission. Your mission is your own life.

Never agree, out of pity or for any other reason, to help a sociopath conceal his or her true character.

"Please don't tell," often spoken tearfully and with great gnashing of teeth, is the trademark plea of thieves, child abusers-- and sociopaths. Do not listen to this siren-song. Other people deserve to be warned more than sociopaths deserve to have you keep their secrets.

If someone without conscience insists that you "owe" him or her, recall what you are about to read here-- that "You owe me" has been the standard line of sociopaths for thousands of years, quite literally, and is still so. It is what Rasputin told the Empress of Russia. It is what Hannah's father implied to her, after her eye-opening conversation with him at the prison.

We tend to experience "You owe me" as a compelling claim, but it is simply not true. Do not listen. Also, ignore the one that goes, "You are just like me." You are not.

13. Defend your psyche.
Do not allow someone without conscience, or even a string of such people, to convince you that humanity is a failure. Most human beings do possess conscience. Most human beings are able to love.

(Source: Martha Stout - The Sociopath Next Door)

sociopathic characteristics (recap)

2011-01-02T14:12:00.000-08:00

Antisocial Personality Disorder results in what is commonly known as a sociopath or psychopath.

This post summarizes again some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths (see also initial chapter)

Glibness and Superficial Charm
Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
Incapacity for Love
Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

signs & symptoms of emotional abuse

2011-01-02T14:11:00.000-08:00

Forms of emotional abuse, can however, be just as damaging as physical abuse. They can include being disrespectful, discourteous, rude, condescending, patronizing, critical, judgemental, "joking" insults, lying, repeatedly "forgetting" promises, sarcasm and agreements, betrayal of trust, "setting you up", and "revising" history.

To outsiders, abusers often appear as decent, successful, sensitive, calm and nondescript.

He may intersperse episodes of abuse with words of love, telling her that she is "the best thing that has ever happened" to him, and that he wants to start treating her that way, confusing her further. She keeps hoping that if she does enough, if she gives enough, he will stop hurting her and the loving, caring side of him will prevail. ... the REALLY successful abusers are highly intelligent and hide their abuse incredibly well. They may have shelves of filled with psychology books; many are well-read and very well spoken. They know how to twist and manipulate language and people. They present an exterior of calm, rational self-control, when in reality, they have no internal control of their own pain and chaotic self-hate, so they try to control others, and drive others to LOSE control.If a [cyberpath] causes YOU to lose control, it proves how healthy HE is, so he can say, explicitly, or implicitly (it's amazing how sighs, and rolling of the eyes can accomplish as much as words), "There you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I'm not the one who needs therapy, *you* are." Unfortunately, if an outsider sees the abuse at all, all they see is an outburst from you, NOT the abuse that triggered it. It may make you feel as if you have had all your lifelines withdrawn, as if you are going crazy, because nobody believes you that this charming, "nice", helpful, successful man could be so incredibly psychologically cruel and deliberately hurtful.

Cyberpaths play the pushme-pull-you game threatening to withdraw their affections, dropping statements out of the blue intended to destabilize. This has the effect of making their partners insecure and uncertain, but that plays right into the abuser's hand as he then can accuse the partner of being "too needy".

An emotional abuser may make fun of his partner, or make subtle or not-so-subtle disparaging remarks about her while with other friends, and encourage the friends to make disparaging remarks.

Emotional abusers overcompensate for their self-hate with a warped kind of narcissism. He lives by the "if you really loved me".

Emotional abusers will remind you of your flaws under the guise of trying to be "helpful" or sensitive.

Emotional abusers will try to isolate you from family and friends. There are several tactics that may be employed. If he can't manipulate your friends, he will either find reasons to denigrate them or will be "uninterested" in doing things with you AND your friends.

Instead of "lying" to a partner, an emotional abuser may "forget" significant promises he made to his partner - especially if forgetting that promise will hurt her.
(was your Cyberpath busy on your birthday? Or no contact when you were sick or having problems and needed the support?)

Emotional abusers expect to be forgiven for their "mistakes" (otherwise known as abuse) but are unable to forgive their partners for legitimate mistakes - and will continue to "punish" their partners for those mistakes, long after apologies and restitution have been made.

Emotional abusers expect their partners to change for them. Unfortunately, the changes the partner makes will never be enough - the abuser will always want more.

The abuser says it's not completely his fault, or she pushes his buttons, or that something she did triggered him to do or say something hurtful or damaging to her.

Emotional reactions in self-defense to an abusive situation do NOT make YOU an "abuser".

As part of this tactic he may pay lip-service to personal responsibility by saying he "takes responsibility" for his actions, but then make no offer to do anything about the resulting emotional pain, or say that there is nothing he can do to repair the damage or make restitution. If she tries to get him to do anything to make restitution he will use the word "blame" as if it is a dirty word, and accuse her of trying to lay "blame" on him for his actions. .

-to bring up stories of childhood/parental abuse (watch these, they are the same old stories each time, and if you listen closely, you may see that his behaviors closely match those childhood abuse patterns...)

-to bring up troubles and things bothering him at work

Emotional abusers often display different personalities to other people in their lives - watch for a completely changed demeanor, behavior, body language and even tone of voice, when they are at work, or with a circle of friends.

The abuser may claim that this is just different "facets" of his personality, but in fact, it is a warning sign that he puts on different personnas to suit the situation, and you will never know which one is the REAL person. It belies huge insecurities - the way children try to act like the crowd they are with in order to be accepted - and is an indication of the emotional immaturity of the typical abuser.

Emotional abusers, like physical abusers, can be exceedingly charming -that's why it's so hard for the victim of abuse - their friends only see the charming side, and don't see the discourtesy, lies, meanness, condescension and rudeness that happens inside the relationship.

If the victim's female friends are attracted to him at all, he may even try to prey on that, so that if she has a conflict or a problem with him, she doesn't have a close supportive friend to turn to.

Abusers will use things like stories of childhood abuse or trauma, lost friends or the death of relatives to get her friends to feel sorry for him. He will play up the "sensitive guy" role. If he can cozy up to her best friend, the friend will feel caught in the middle - which is exactly what the abuser wants - to cut off his partner from external support. If he can, he may even flirt heavily with her friends, have an affair with one of her friends, or become pals with one or more of her former friends as another way to hurt and attempt to shame her.

Abusers are completely self-centered. They blame other people and seldom take responsibility for their own actions. Abusers are self-righteous.

Emotional abusers hate apologizing.

This is called "projection" - abusers do it all the time. They project THEIR issues onto their partner, and try to make it their partner's problem. They make it sound like the partner's is somehow wrong or attempting to set them up for "blame", for wanting some sign of compassion and remorse, and an indication of willingness to work on the behavior problem.

Abusers may, early in the relationship, in a moment of "opening up", tell you of their abusive or manipulative nature. .... They may even go so far as to say, "I told you this is how I am."

Emotional abusers often grow OLD without growing UP. They are emotionally stunted and immature. Emotional abusers are self-preoccupied, and demonstrate a passive-aggressive interpersonal style.

Emotional abusers deny that they have any problems and/or project their problems onto their partner, often accusing their partners of abuse - especially AFTER the partner has woken up and called the abuser on his behavior. At this point he will be sure to tell as many *mutual* friends as will listen, that she is controlling and abusive to him, in an attempt to further undermine any support she might get.

An emotional abuser demonstrates little capacity to appreciate the perspective of another person when his own interests are at stake. Emotional abusers often flip between being a martyr and a self-absorbed asshole - there is no middle ground, and they use the martyrdom as an excuse for their behavior when they are in self-absorbed a**hole mode.

An emotional abuser sees himself as a blameless victim, and denies his own provocative behavior, even going so far as to bemoan the fact that a partner left him, or threw him out, ...
The emotional abuser will play up the "pathos" in an attempt to garner sympathy, all the while, continuing to (cyber)stalk his ex, making jokes about things he could do to upset her, and invading her personal space and boundaries ...

Like physical abusers, emotional abusers will often stalk their former partners. The stalker's objective is often to control her through cultivating fear rather than making direct or specific threats, or confronting the her. This is a subtle form of terrorism, because abuse victims are often very emotionally (if not physically) afraid of their abusers once they wake up.

Ex-partners of abusers will often express fear of their abuser, and will have no desire to be anywhere near the abuser. On the other hand, the abuser may try to appear as if he is calm, rational, and still supportive of his ex-partner, despite the fact that he will also express the opinion that he believes she is quite unstable.

He will make statements such as saying that he "bears her no ill-will", etc., but then will show no respect for her boundaries ... The abuser will still inquire with friends as to how she is doing, implying that his inquiry is because he cares about her - he does care - about retaining those last vestiges of control, even after the breakup. What he really wants to know is if she is suffering or doing badly, because that feeds his sick ego. He feels best when he puts other people in as much pain as he is in.

People in relationships have conflicts. But there is a right way and a wrong way to resolve them, and no matter what the other person does, no matter what a person's "issues" are, abuse is the wrong way. Emotional cruelty and abuse are choices.

Because the truth of the matter is, someone who can be emotionally cruel, malicious, and compassionless with people who have given him their love and their trust, is so absorbed in self-hate that he is incapable of loving himself, much less anyone else. What the abuser feels is obsession, not love.

Just because he admits his behavior (and WATCH - some abusers are VERY good at acknowledging they did something without apologizing, or admitting there was anything WRONG with the behavior.), does NOT mean he is willing to change it, that he will not repeat the behavior, nor that he even believes he did anything unacceptable, hurtful or wrong. DO NOT take admission of an act as a sign of integrity, acceptance of responsibility, a show of remorse, or an indication of genuine caring, unless you see EXPLICIT behavior that demonstrates it.

(Source: cyberpaths.blogspot.com)

outroducing words

2011-01-02T14:10:00.000-08:00

What started as virtual love story in december 2007 turned out to be an illusionary and finally ugly dream when the relationship to Jakob became real. To deal with Jakob Maltese means to deal with pathological lies, betrayals, selfcentered powergames, wrong promises, fake love, fraud, abuse, selfhate, illoyalities, control, wrong cyber personalities, promiscuity, aggressiveness and violence which is covered by a mask of superficial charme, overconfidence, flattery, politeness, grandiose ideas and smooth talks. I have experienced the two faces of him and after all I had to realize that Jakob Maltese shows all characteristics of a sociopath. In the beginning it was interesting to observe and experience a character divergence in opposite to what is considered as the central, the neutral norm. But soon the destructive power of the anti-cyclic developed a self dynamic and lost its poetic fascination. It isn't anarchy what drives him. It isn't love either. But it is our normal understanding of love and the inherent will to give and forgive which he uses very effective to his favour. In fact they are basic needs he has to cover which he is unable to achieve without help and make him the man he is: a man without conscience, a sociopath, a parasite.

My blog ends here. Thank you for reading.

So laugh about life's little tragedies and take care of you,
D.

november 2010

2011-01-02T06:21:00.000-08:00

Jakob is good and versed with all facets of deception. The obvious and the not so obvious. Threads, insults, arrogance and any other sort of negative behaviour are manipulation strategies which are easy to diagnose. It is not so obvious when he manipulates from the other side and appeals to your logic, belief and heart. But nevertheless he aims for the same: to control his game and to reach his desired effect.

Clearly he realized that I am a problem for him now since I did not stop confronting him with his outstanding duties and kept writing public reminders. He knows best that I know the real stories and the real background of them. Additionally he realized that I have changed. So he takes off his bad mask and suddenly he changes the strategy and turns from Saulus to Paulus. Out of the blue I receive some eMails with very touching excuses and astonishing reflections. Here are some of them written between 11 and 19th november. I have marked his most obvious manipulation manoeuvers since they show best the contrast to the messages he wrote to others in the same time.

"Too tired to write you last night. Just smoked a joint and drank some gin-tonics. Sat at you tube for a while and then i realize that i could not write you without it would be pathetic.

This morning i am ok and more clear in my head. So i write you.

D, I never spoke/read about how you must have felt..the betrayal you must have felt, the sorrow, the anger after all what you did for me. Don't think i just neglected it. I didn't. I was just not man enough to face the facts.

You did everything for me, hell you even tried to (...), you paid everything, you gave me your heart, your soul and i trashed it. You trusted in me and you must have felt destroyed when the truth came out. That i had betrayed your trust. I imagine you must have felt humiliated. Maybe i would have reacted the same way as you did in your position. I can understand but one year ago i couldn't. Often i have been thinking about how i transformed a soft and truely gentle soul into something that neither of us would recognize two years ago. But i must tell you that you are not lost. The fact that you try to establish some sort of communication (to get the things back, to get your money)..it gives me hope that you still deep inside have the heart you had back then. I never asked you about the last year, how it was for you. But i would like to know. I think it is time i face the fact and realize what i did to you. So if you one day have time and feel ok to tell me i think i would be good for me to know. We both know it will hurt a lot to read your words but maybe it would be good for you too to put words on what happened with you. To let me face the facts and for you to write about your pain, hurt and anger.

How can i ever say "sorry" to you ? I dont ask for forgiveness or for you to forget what happened but i need to find a way to let you know how much wrong i was, and how i so much need to tell you how sorry i am for all my lies. Writing these messages is not enough..maybe it is a little step in the direction of establish a communication which sooner or later can lead me to what is so much on my heart: to tell you how much i hurted you and how sorry i am for breaking a truely good woman.

You should know that i'm not trying to sweet-talk you back, D. No matter how much I love you i know what i did never can be justified or ignored.

I just wish i had met you now and not and not back then.

Will it be ok if i send you more mails ? I have to write in small portions because if i don't i will be carried away and that is not what we want or what you need.

j.

________________________________________
"D

To find out why i abused you -and our love- i think i have to look closer at the interaction between my low selfesteem and the fact that i put you up upon a piedestal. Mix those two things together and put in a childish egoistic man...i guess it's a recipe of disaster. No relationship can bare one of the persons being a god or goddess. I know you never wanted it. How you just wanted an equal relationship. And i was unable to step up to be a man..i more and more turned into a spoiled little boy who had so much anger inside because you lived the life i so much wanted to have to. I think i came to envy you. I remember that night where i killed what was left of our innocence, the night i went violent. It is now clear to me why i got drunk and went crazy. You were visiting (...) and i was at home, totally frustrated, totally angry because i clearly felt we were drifting away, that our love would not last forever. What i did can never be excused but what i can do is to try to find answers because no matter how far away i am from your heart today, i still think you need some answers too. On top of my envy, my jealousy, my childish behavoir i think i can put in a another component: sex. I always felt i was inadequate. It was strictly my failure to think like this but i did. This feeling played a part too.

Writing you those things the last couple of days is part a shitty feeling but also very very important because no matter how much it hurts it also give me a feeling that i can breathe a bit more easy now. I know the longing is there again but that i have to deal with and do my best not to speak about it too much in my mails to you.

It is my hope that you somehow can benefit a bit from my writing as well.

The mails to you is not for my sake. But it was a surprising experience to feel that it helped me writing you. In one way it is unfair because if anyone should benefit from our communication it should be you. You were the one who got abused. You were the one who got betrayed.

I don't believe in angels anymore. I believe in equal relationships.

I wish i had that knowledge back then.

J.
____________________________

"I tried calling you but no reply. I accept that.
Just know i never would try to hurt you again.
I loved you, I love you and i always will. That's your ace. Forever.
But don't think i need to know how thick your skin is. I will only hurt me.

here is another danish sentence: Du var en smuk drøm. Jeg vil altid elske dig. Og jeg håber vi èn dag...
Sleep well, D."

Look at these messages ! Aren't they warmhearted ? Aren't they mindful ? Aren't they honest ? Aren't they made good ? And more astonishing I even get a parcel with my things included ! I am confused since I never experienced any reliability from Jakob before ! As I am surprised enough and just happy to have my belongings back I allow him to continue writing to me. And he pretends to open the books about his lies and corrects his initial lies. I have marked the most important corrections and still, it is just the thousandst version of a story and many things he writes are still lies.
____________________________
"D.
I will try to do my best to recall all my stories, half-lies and blatant lies. It makes me nervous to think of your reaction but you have the damn right to know. (...) I think the best thing i can do for us is NOT to speak about my hopes but concentrate on putting the pieces together, finishing the puzzle, so you are not anymore in doubt of what really was truth or lies in our relationship. So i literally speaking take a deep breath and jump in this deep black hole..

I think one of the first questions you will have is: What was the truth about your daughters death? It is like so many other things half lie half true. Yes i had a spanish girlfriend back then. Yes she carried our baby inside of her. In seventh month she lost it. It is true we had her name already planned: B. Years later when I became father we gave her the name B. My daughters mother never knew this story and in one way it is fucking unfair but knowing her as a very kind woman i think she would have accepted the fact. And by fate, she was the one who came up with the name. Maybe i should have told her but i choose not to. So why did I lie ? How could i ever create such a horrible story ? I mixed the two episodes into one (it is true that B wasn't expected to live, that she had heart operations and the first year she was hospitalized 267 days and it is true that her mother was hospitalized..all this while i was under my education)..but to answer my own question: WHY ? I needed so much sympathy, empathy, understanding..i needed a good womans touch and idiot as i was, i thought no one would ever care for me if i told my story straight as it was. Thinking back to myspace/youtube era, i now realize that i was not in a too good mental shape. And when i finally met true love i didnt have the balls to tell the truth. And it is stupid because i know you would have goddam understood. My fault, my loss, my fuck-up. If it any comfort to you you should know that it will always be one of the darkest spots in my soul. No excuse for that one. I did what i did and i have to face it and today i do by writing you these words.

What was the truth about (his ex-wife): I think i told you the truth but i left out one thing. After the cancer i broke down and she offered me to live in her mothers flat (to keep an eye on me because i was still pretty sick and weak). It was nice of her. I thought she had changed after i split and seeked help in Denmark (hospital). Then she asked me late december if i could come and spent the christmas with her and (...). I said yes because i was pretty fed up with living with her mother. She asked me to stay..as friends. It sounded like a good idea. The she turned into the same norvegian monster as she was back then. I didnt dare to tell you that i lived there on her mercy..that is where (...) came into the picture. I am shaking writing all those words to you. I feel so ashamed and sad. Not only because i am a liar but more than anything else because the woman who really loved me: she would have understood the truth. I know that today. I knew it back then too. I was just too fucking scared and tangled up in my own lie.

About the work. Yes i spoke to this guy on the phone and he was actually very interested. But he backed out..and so did I !!! I don't know what i was thinking of back then. Clearly i couldn't live forever on your money. It was clear for me from the start. And i didnt want that either. But i was scared to get a job which i might not be able to handle. Today things are different. And it helps us squat. I fucked up, abused you, broke what was magic (and Lord knows we were magic at our best)...and the saddest thing about this story is that you would have understood my past if i had been honest and then i probably would have the recourse to get a real fullfilling life with you..on equal terms. Meaning i would have a job, more self-esteem, more self-confident.

I dont know how you say to all this. I think i in your position would have said: fuck you !
Maybe i lose the connection to you because of these things i wrote but then i know that at least i was honest in the end.

I don't tell you that i love you or I miss you or I was so so happy to hear your voice because it will brings us nowhere...Just know i tried this time to be honest and real.

J.

His anxiety about the job was obvious always bigger than the need to have that equal relationship he is talking about. No, forget it, it is a lie ! He never cared about to get a job and he was not scared. He was lazy and selfish. Also he is not honest and real in that message either. This message is another scam and just the intelligent version of Jakobs masks because he mixes lies, truths, excusions, blames into one. It is everything but honest and real.
____________________________________
My spanish girlfriend was named (...) (that was her real name)
B's heart had so many failures but one of them was called: Steno-Fallot..and on top of it she had VSD and ASD ..and a lot of other names i cant remeber...you can check it out on wikipedia..i guess it is mentioned there.
After speaking to you i know i can trust you.

Keep asking !

J.

From his ex real friend from denmark who I was/am in contact with I know the name of his daughters disease. It is different from everything what Jakob is mentioning in this message.

"B. is born in 08.10 98.
I left school after 1 and a half year at the gymnasium.
After school i was I sewed dresses and other things. Then i worked with teenage troubled kids. Then i worked in a bar/hotel, Then i worked at a computer education company (teaching)..and..and..
I share a house in Ärhus. The colours on my wall was correct...so was my books. But i left to be taken care of by (...)s mother. It was a huge mistake.
I had a red cat called Ulrike yes. She gave birth to six small kittens."

Lies or truth ? Or both ?

A couple of days later I remind him on the first rate of money he promised to pay me back as well since I realize that he is flirting and doesn't watch the line as I have demanded from him. He even makes me talk to him on the phone again and I don't like it. His voice sound wrong and what he says are inappropriate things which have nothing to do with my real life. The moment I ask for more reality (here: the money issue) he backs off in his usual way:

"About the money: This month is impossible. Totally. It was my first salery and i had to give some people money back. Next month i can send you money back but not so much. It is december and i earn under 1000 euro a month. I do my best to pay all i can until i get a better job. I seriously hope it will not upset you."

It was not his first salary as I find out later. But "under 300 euro" a month would have been more correct. Therefore he had no possibility to ever pay something. To give the impression that he would anyway and to lie about it because he lost sense for reality is not ok. It is manipulation.

After that message I know he will never change and that he is still the same character as he always was. I am glad to be confirmed. I decide to finish the episode now since I have the things and that's alright. I disconnect him from everything again and that's it. I thought. Another couple of days later, it is end of november, I get a message from a woman via facebook. She writes that she was the one who has sent the package and that Jakob told her to send it without correct senders address. Since she felt bad about it she wanted to excuse. We decide to talk and what we find out is just another chapter of Jakobs book of lies & games. Jakob told me in the first messages of november that he had "a short affair" in summer for about three weeks which he broke up. Now, she tells me that she is his current girlfriend since may/june and they never broke up anything. But she does then. And so it goes on. I bring the bad news to her and she tells me that he meanwhile made a sort of a monster out of me as he did with his ex-wife. He used the same lies, just replaced the name. I would have destroyed his life, would have financially ruined him etc. etc. He even tells people he worked in "my" company. Too funny.

Here are some eMails Jakob wrote to her. Please compare them with the messages he wrote to me.

"Am 28.10.2010 09:10, schrieb Jakob Maltese:
>
> Thanks darling.
> Yes i saw a message from (...) this morning...about the same shit.
> What the hell, D (my ex) wrote people i had killed my daughter !!
> You know what ? I dont care about this crazy internet anymore. People
> can write all the shit they want to..i am not gonna react.
>
> It just makes me think how people sometimes doesnt have any decency.
>
> I love you, M."

I never wrote to anyone that Jakob had killed his daughter. I asked "if he is still telling people that his daughter died ?" This is different from what he makes out of it and the truth. Next old strategy: make your "enemy" look like she is crazy. And at the end of the message Jakob judges about decency. Well...

And I was right with my assumption because when I am in contact with his current girlfriend (now also ex !) she tells me that Jakob meanwhile even have invented a third daughter !!!! read this message which Jakob wrote to her:

"10. Juni

So sorry for the late reply.
So sorry for the the "missing comment" on my page. I deleted it bacause i dont want people to know where i am going to or do.
I am back in the little german village again.Copenhagen was sad. Too many memories about Alma (my daughter).
I dont feel like i want to speak to anyone today. I know it is not fair to you. But i just feel like escaping into the internet, watching music videos..forgetting my bad conscience for not calling you, forgetting Copenhagen and the life which seems to always fuck up all my plans.

I miss you, i want to cry at your shoulder.
I want to hold you close and just cry with you.
And i am scared about you and i. Scared that you when you meet me will regeret.
So many feelings for you...

Jakob."

He has no daughther named Alma to my knowledge. And the daughter he has does not live in Copenhagen.

-------- Original-Nachricht --------

Betreff: Re: :-D
Datum: Thu, 4 Nov 2010 12:14:41 +0100
Von: Jakob Maltese
An:

You are so sweet, my darling. Thank you for sending the parcel to my fucked up ex
I take a mozarella-salat, Tagliatelle Tonno and a Tiramisu.
A bottle of Tignanello would do wonders...or maybe two bottles.

I love my new address at the pizza service cologne :-)
And much more: I love you.
J.

The fucked up ex is me. Just read the messages he wrote to me again further above. The meaning of them are completely different and it is now very obvious what he tries to reach and how he does it. He just want one thing: to separate me from his new targets. And so he twists the words as he exactly needs them. But, and that is important, it is only transparent since the whole (!!) picture is available ! Therefore again: Listen to people !!

So it's true. Jakob has not changed. And he never will. It's just the way it is.
D.
_________________________________

prognosis for sociopaths:

Look at the internet, read books and you will always find the same answer:
A sociopath can not be healed ! It's sad but true. They will never change. Never.
They have no heart, no empathy, no dignity and a
ll they will give you are lies.
Jakob will NEVER change !
So don't get sentimental on him, don't feel pity for him, don't try to help him and don't try to compete with him. You can't win !
Cut your losses & Get out !

Betreff:	Re: :-D
Datum:	Thu, 4 Nov 2010 12:14:41 +0100
Von:	Jakob Maltese
An:

october 2010

2011-01-01T12:58:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately he "forgot" to give me back a few very personal precious things which belong to me and my heart is set on it. A constellation how it is often to be find when a relationship is over. Since june 2009 I hope for a peaceful solution now since Jakob promised me back then to send things (and money) back and I still think Jakob will contact me and give me a timeline or will come up with a suggestion how to proceed. The things have an high emotional value for me and he knows it and I want them back. They are simply mine. I ask him several times but I get never a response from him instead he ignores my questions completely. Over a year later I feel therefore impelled to contact him again.
It's easy to find him since he acts in the internet in the usual way. I find his current youtube profile and write on his wall when he might finally consider to fulfill his promises related to the stuff and money he owes me. The first message I receive after oneandhalf years is immensely insulting.

It goes on like this for a while and of course he uses the same methods he always works with. Here is another nice lie he tried again:

"I had a radio show..and i wrote for a newspaper...that doesnt makes me a music expert !

Or maybe it does in your world ?????

and for the rest....dont fear, you'll get !"

No, he did not. It was his brother. His brother wrote some articles about music for a danish newspaper. His brother is also the one who is the slam poet artist, not Jakob Maltese. But he tries to tell you that. Forget it, Lies !

And btw, a contradiction in his own message because you do have to be a music expert when you work as music journalist.

As I wrote in a previous chapter, Jakob tries hard to follow his lies and he keeps telling them even you know for sure and you can prove that they are lies. Here is another anecdote:
When we still lived together Jakob came home one day and told me totally upset that a woman came into the street car, approached him and suddenly tried to kiss him. Of course he pushed her away, he said with proud voice. I asked him for details and he described the woman vague as average looking, maybe mid-30s and she seemed keen on to kiss him. I kept asking and he said that in denmark had happend the same thing to him when he lived there. Women on the street just tried to kiss him. The next day I met a friend of mine and while we are talking she told me that she saw Jakob in a streetcar while she was standing outside and waved to him. I hear the bell ring and asked if she went inside the streetcar. "No" she said, "I just waived him. But when he saw me he turned his head away as if he was frightening. Did he tell you that he saw me ?" And I told her what he made out of the little scene. A huge story which shows him in adventurous but good light. Totally exaggerated and wrong. I told him with a smile what I found out and that the little story is amusing enough and not worth a discussion. Instead of admitting it and trying to laugh with me about it he insists on his story and the more I tell him that he lied the more he insists and gets louder and more angry. He goes that far to tell me that I would make a liar out of him if I make him telling a different story now. Because his version would be the right version. It took three days of (3 days !) until he admitted that his story was a lie. And he only admitted it because I just had very clear evidence. Still, it took three days.

A try to "calm me down" and to make me shut my mouth by admitting the truth but empty promise:

"The money is totally 100 % yours.

NO doubt.

It was a nice gesture and a LOAN.

I just got a real job -even it is shitty and low paid but i have every intension to pay you back what i owe you.

(...)

Monday i send the things

And then i start paying you back."

A nice large "gesture ". Indeed. I still wait for the money...

He realizes that his lie also don't work on me anymore so he tries the next thing to get me under control:

""This" way wasnt what brought you back the things which you consider to be yours !

What brings the things is that i finally have a job and can ship the things to you.

Will it be ok if i send it on monday ?

(...)

Too bad we cant speak, D..

I would have liked to."

The things which I "consider to be mine" are just mine.

What brings the things is finally his current girlfriend not him (see chapter "november 2010"). She takes care of sending the things. Not him. She is the next one who he involves in his conscienceless games by using and trying the same old crap.

As he realizes that I am not to manipulate by insults, lies and negative pressure he switches suddenly and I get the other face from the sociopath.

august 2009 - september 2010

2011-01-01T12:55:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of attempts and ways how Jakob tries to get back into my life in the next months. He calls, writes, promises, even excuses. Until november 2009 I get emails and messages, in 2010 a facebook request, textmessage, a (unanswered) call..I have the feeling that he still is around me somehow. I keep the distance and sort out the story for me in these months.

june/july 2009

2011-01-01T11:24:00.000-08:00

Four or five days later, I am just at work when I get an angry question from his friend in germany where he still lives: "if I would know where Jakob is right now ? He didn't come home last night." No I don't. He had called me the day before and did not mention any special plans for the upcoming days. Everything seemed alright. The next day he is still away and she is just about to call him "missing" at the police as he suddenly appears at her apartment again. Ignoring the trouble he caused to her he just answered he was in Berlin "because it is the city where I spent the most wonderful time with d.. I wanted to be in the city with all the beautiful memories of us." Yeah right...If he lies he exaggerates so much sometimes that it is just not plausible. She doesn't believe his story, I don't believe his story, we know he has lied for his own specific reasons and his friend is loath to take him back to her apartment but finally she does since he begs rueful as so often and beside she trusts that he still is in preparation for the job. Later she tells me that all the time he has been with her alone he caused nothing but trouble. He stole money from her, insulted her in front of her daughter and otherwise just sat around doing nothing or pretended to read an IT book.

Next day I receive the bill for the cellphone which Jakob uses. I hadn't paid much attention to it in the past but this time I do and contrary to the months before I look at the details which are listed in the bill. The first thing I notice is the total amount of the bill and I am shocked. The bill for Jakobs cellphone is more than 2'000 swiss francs for only the last month. I look at the details and see that it teems with foreign numbers. It was agreed with him that he only use it for calls to swiss companies to set up appointments for job interviews (and to call/text me). But what I find is a long list of long distance calls to france, netherlands, the states, germany, canada, denmark, finland, uk and italy. The only swiss number in the list is mine. Not one number is a companies number but I can read the references and I know to whom the numbers belong to. The bill is the final proof for Jakobs lies. Everything was a big scam. And it goes worse when I call the phone company and ask for the bills from the last months since february. They show all the same: calls to different countries which partly lasted for hours. I know that most of the numbers belong to different women he had or still has (virtual) affairs with. The bills show all details. Place, duration, numbers, time of the calls, costs. He often called them in series. I remember dialogues with him on that phone where he swore to heaven that he will take care of us and promised to be the man he wants to be for me and that he will make it all up to me again. Now I can see what those words meant to him. Nothing. It's sobering. All his masks fall, all his games crash and all explanations or promises or words he ever gave me turn to dust. Disdain and revulsion is all what is left when I wake up in june. It's over. I call his friend, tell her what I found out and that I have decided to break up with him for good. She tells him to leave right away and throws him out.
D.
___________________________________________
And as nothing really happend Jakob plays the victim, his favourite role. Here some eMails from Jakob to his former friend (see also attachments):

"Still alive and around your area.
I cant get online much because i have to collect bottles to get enough money to get to an internet cafe.
Can you at least give me D. email adress or please ask her if it is ok that i send her an email..
you can think what you want about me, but i never said anything to your lies or hold it against you.
Jakob."
Always the same. Instead of getting active and taking self responsibility he plays pity.
After one year living with me he can't remember my email adress. No surprise, it just proves Jakobs selfcentered perception.
Last sentence in that message: threading as method to intensifiy pressure on people who are "dangerous" to him and separate him from his target. And if that doesn't work he tries the opposite again and appeals to your heart (push-and-pull strategies):

"(...) I dont want to geet into fights with you right now, even I can understand you very well. I know i did wrong to you and D., but I desperately need your help. i know you got a big heart. i am still on the road and i am totally exhausted...no sleep, no food, no nothing.
hopefully hearing from you soon,
Jakob."

Here he has the nerves to demand things which never belonged to him. (see attachment)

"Hello (...),
Can we meet somehere and i can have my clothes then ?"

And refuses instead to give other things back which do not belong to him either combined with impudent accusation.

that i can't give you.
First: The things she gave me as a present, which means it is mine.
Second: I don't trust you really give it back to her.
sorry.

Liar !!!

As his (former) friend insists he threads again.

"(...)
Have you told your "business partners" that you are NOT registered as a company ? I can help you and call them if you dont like to do it yourself.
fuck you, (..) You fucking liar."

Her company was registered, I saw the registration.
Jakob turns everything against you as soon as you make the slightest mistake. The message above is a good example. In the end he makes you save things carefully so that you are able to prove that it is not YOU who is crazy. If you can't prove it he for sure will try to make YOU the sick person in public and to others. So keep things !

He is cruel against his (former) friend for no reason. She offered him a place to stay, to get him into a job and/or to help him to get social support from the german government. For that he insults her and her daughter , threads her and talks nasty about her. All women he was involved with in reality experienced the same. He does not behave as a friend although he keeps telling it. He abuses, insults, mistreats and lives parasitic. There is no value in him who makes him a friend.

When he was kicked out of the place in germany some things had been found which Jakob left in that place. Remarkable are notes which were hided allover in the place where he slept. The notes were hided in gaps between shelfs, in closets, behind doors and other unexpected points. Not only the places were strange. Like a mantra he wrote on every note the same line. Over and over and over again. On countless notes always the same: " d., what do you do when you are caught between thought and expression ?"

But by far the most interesting thing about the notes are the different fonts. He used up to seven different fonts which seem completely different and seem to come from different people. I never put attention to it before but when I received these notes I looked through the hundreds of notes he wrote me when he lived with me in Z. . And I saw that they also are written in different fonts. (see the attachments in chapter "august 2008" !) I have the theory that Jakob has developed at least one "lie writing" and one "love writing". Because some of the notes which clearly relate to a lie are written in a complete different style as love notes. I dont know if there is something like a "truth writing" too. As I said it is a personal guess only but I think it illustrates some aberrances. Please see some of the notes attached which had been found at the place in germany.

Furthermore a mysterious but insightful list had been found which Jakob obviously used to develop a plan or as concept for new lies. Please find the list also atttached.

may 2009

2010-12-30T10:53:00.000-08:00

It crashs again in may. I had taken him back into the apartment and after a week also back into bed. I am so sure he would make it this time and he would just gladly work on his new project, this concept for the webpage. It is not a big deal for someone with just little IT experience and even non professionals can do it. But the result is: zero. In my despair I have set him a deadline for this concept and when the deadline comes the desk is empty. This time I throw him out. And in my rage and anger I for the first time abuse his faith. He had given me his myspace password as proof of innocence. Now I use it to look into his account and what I find confirms my surmise. He always is clever enough to delete all traitorous traces but since I had suddenly thrown him out some of them were left. I find messages to several women in which he asks for phone conversations and I find messages with secretly delivered love songs and just flirt messages the way he did back to me and does to everyone. And blames me at the same time in these messages that I am doing wrong to him. Just february he had violated me, had taken my money in march, and the apartment too, got by me on all concerts he brags with, had never moved his arse, used my love. Jakob does what a real sociopath does, he plays innocent when he keeps talking and writing text messages to his new and old players, tells them that I am kind of nuts, blames me (I found the text messages later on that phone) and tells me at the same time the fairytale from the big sinner. I have enough of his betrayals, his evident stupidity,his parasitic life, his abuses and dumb arrogance and look forward to the day he takes the train to germany. One day later I receive the following message:

"D.
Be angry at what happend between you and I. But dont be angry and don't feel sad about what will happen. Before i tell you what will happen i will clear my conscience, tell you everything which has happend the last couple of months.
After checking out from the room 8th of march i couldn't find anywhere to go. I asked at the office if they had a room available again, but they told me they hadn't. So i had to stay at the hotel and hope an available room would come up. But it didn't. So i had to stay at the hotel. Being there i did all i could to search for a job. I wrote so many applications and i spoke to so many places if they had a job but it was all negative.

Things happend between us and I felt even more lost. Not because of you but because I missed and loved you so much. So many things I would like to tell you but i didn't dare because those few moments we had together were so precious and necessary to me.
But I would have told you how i have lived before, how i tried everything and nothing at the same time. How i felt so jealous and so lost looking at your life, the life i wanted to give you and that life i know you would love but not knowing how to give it to you. I would have told you that i never ever really drove a car except for one time and how embarrassed it made me feel. I would have told you how i always wanted to drive a car but at the same time was so afraid of making a fool out of myself because I really doesn't know how to drive one, and because i am afraid it gives me flashback when my father nearly killed himself in a car accident. I would have told you about my motorcycle (MZ) and later how i drove a little Kawasaki but without any driver license.
I would have told you how much I needed friends and how i lost them all. And i would have told you about my situation right now.
The last week has been horror and i believe it hasnt been easier for you too. But i will give you an update.
The last week i have done nothing but falling apart. Falling apart because i remember your words about "why can't you do this for me"..but i couldnt D. I couldn't because i didn't had the self confidence to show you. Viewing the result made me not feel good. It made me feel so worthless. I am not good at creating internet pages...i never learned it, i had to teach myself. And all i could think of after walking out that night was how much anger and especially pain you must have felt.
D. this cant go on. I know i love you and i have something to tell you: (.....)
The things with myspace and (...) Yes, I called her last night. Maybe it was wrong but i felt so lost. We never flirted and when we spoke on the phone we spoke about the german monster and i told her how much i love you. What i needed last night was just a voice. A voice which i could talk to instead of running around insane in the night. I swear that was all. I just needed to tell someone about my pain and my love for you.
My life here has fallen apart. In every way. I owe the hotel maybe twelvehundred swiss francs, i havent paid the bus ticket, i think i owe the doctor too. I dont want you mixed up in this, I dont want you to feel embarrassed knowing me, i dont want you to sacrifice everything for a man who you had given so many chances.
D. my only, my first, my true love: i think z. is the end of the road for me. Dont be sad, but be angry. I know i cant live without you because everyday hurts so much and i know you cant live with me. what is left is just in a peaceful way leaving life. There is no drama about it.
Today i will drink and write you a handwritten letter. I will write all my sins but also how much i loved you from the first minute. And i will write you one more mail.
I will always love you.
always.
because...
j."
Beyond the lie about the death of his daughter this message is probably equally malicious. Blackmailing with suicide is pathetic behaviour on the lowest level. To think about commiting suicide is surely a result of deepest despaired thoughts a person has to struggle with and normally the last possibilty or try to express emotional dolor. It is a scream for attention and a scream for help. But someone who has wether emotions nor empathy uses this tool for one thing only: Manipulation of the worst kind. It is a scream for selfish needs (financial help, taking care of him, paying his debts etc.). The scream of a parasite. Nothing else. It shows that Jakob has no respect to no one and no limits when it is about his own needs.

He writes "I wrote so many applications and i spoke to so many places if they had a job but it was all negative." That is flagrantly lied as many other things in this message. He has an extra email account for applications. Those messages have not been deleted and what to be find is: one application. And a negative response. Both made in october. Since then, nothing.

I could say so much more about every little detail in this message but I think and trust it speaks for itself. It teems with manipulations. All in all one of the most pathetic messages. If there are questions left, just ask or comment.

When I receive this message I instantly leave work and try to call him. He doesnt pick up the phone and panic escalates. Finally he does and nothing has happend to him. In fact, he doesn't suffer at all nor does my concern affect him. Rage meets relieve. As always he tries to justify and trivialise everything. His cheats, his attempt of corrupting me with the announced suicide, his promises. He plays the "love of my life" song with the usual tears and useless promises to change.

Then he leaves to germany.

I get daily updates from the friend he stays with now. They sound okay and I breathe again for a couple of days. Soon is his birthday and I decide to surprise him with a spontaneous visit. The day before I travel to him he creates one of his trouble scenarios where he insults me on the phone so badly that I am about to cancel the trip. But the ticket is bought and so I sit in the train the other day. I arrive in germany, the friend picks me up and we go to her apartment. I am very happy to see him but his reaction is a surpise. He seems rather disturbed than delighted. The whole visit is a strange thing. Behind the friends back he talks annoyingly bad about her, laughs about her and complains about everything. I ask him what about his preparation for the job and he swears it just takes a couple of days more that he is ready because he wants to escape from this place as soon as possible. The friend and me try to make his birthday the best we can and Jakob and I spend the last love days together. He brings me to the train when I have to leave and we cry and hug'n kiss each other goodbye with the promise to see us soon when he has started the new job or when he has left for another place. It's the last time I see him.
D.

april 2009

2010-12-30T10:41:00.000-08:00

Soon he is knocking at my door again. His hard work on me wasn't for less so I take him in again, for over the day only and under the condition that if he still doesnt find a job he goes back to denmark to find something. It seems easier for him to get a job there, also because of the language. Still I have no idea about the truth behind all job promises from Jakob. So far he keeps successfully the illusion of a Jakob with the absolute will and effort to do everything to take responsibility now, take care of job search, being my man. There is no indication for any other plans or any behaviour , or whatsoever could direct to it. After all what happened everyone would get suspicious when he comes with a new promise but when you are caught in, you don't. As soons as he spends time in my apartment he also uses the computer regularly again. Officially for job search and when the job search is over and done I have no problem with him using it for myspace again. But I realize that he starts flirting again the same way as it was when we met on myspace and I just ignored the other profiles. This time I watch his comments and don't accept the lame excusions.
"You know I just do her a favour."
"She just asked me to help her to make another friend on her profile upset."
"She is just a friend."
"It's just meant in a friendly way."
"She loves music."
That are some typical phrases he uses and they haven't changed much to my knowledge. And when he is telling me that he speaks about exactly the same kind of love songs he posted me back then. So, if he does it to everyone it doesn't mean anything. To no one. The comments from some new friends on his page get pretty fast flirtatious and kisses fly through the virtual air as if they want to set a new world record. Of course I ask but again it is all harmless he says and does badtalk about his virtual friends to calm me down. He gets in contact with an old myspace friend who was indeed just a friend and not an affair. And one day he tells me that this friend has offered him a job in germany. I am perplex. But it seems true since I call the friend and get confirmation from her that Jakob has an IT job there in a befriended company if he just wants to. Jakob tells her something about the situation of our relationship and as a result she offers that Jakob could stay with her for the time until he is ready to start that job.
I gladly agree and buy him the train ticket to her place in germany. Until he leaves I tell him to use the time to prepare for the job. Buy him the IT books he needs and try to help him otherwise. I suggest he could create a new website for that company. He promises to do so as he told me it won't be a problem. Good, i think, and wait if he passes the "test". Again there are so many discussions where he tries to run away from this or to avoid to speak about it, it is more than irreal how he strugggles to twist everything he ever said or promised. But I don't let him out and want to see what he can.
D.
_________________________________________
She and me does not now at this point that Jakob does not have the abilities and never had the abilities to fulfill the requirements of any IT job. But the longer he "prepares" for the job the more obvious it gets. We later find out that also his "preparation" is a deception because long after the relationship is over I find one of the IT books which I bought him very well hidden behind my bookshelf and in another IT book which he pretended to read there were exactly three pages marked (which he read again and again and again...) the rest of the 300 pages were untouched.
(see also previous chapter "conditions for mind control")

march 2009

2010-12-25T02:48:00.000-08:00

When I am in Berlin he sends me countless text messages with always the same content: love testimonies, statements of shame about his guilty feelings and expressions of hope for a further common future. It is actually the same pattern as on myspace just on another level. He creates trouble, causes pain, rage or other negative feelings in his counterpart just to excuse instantly after and to negate the feelings he just caused. A push-and-pull strategy and nothing else as a game with emotions. Back then it works so effective that I not only provide him then an own room in an apartment so that he doesn't have to live in the hotel anymore (and I don't have to pay the expensive daily rates anymore) but I also borrow him money again what he gladly accepts without hesitation but with the promise to pay it back. What I don't know at this time is that he never has applied to any company while he was in Z. except one time. But my motifs for giving and loving base on his promises and his acting and telling that he would be that serious, responsible, loving man. It is so convincing that I don't doubt for a second he really wants to change. It seems only to be a matter of short time. And he tells me now since september or october now that he applies. That are around six months. Switzerland has only an unemployment rate of about 4% so something should be possible ! According to his words he is "so close !!!" to get something. Because he really tries e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.
I never have met any person who is so afraid of work as Jakob. In all the time I never expected him to have a great fabulous job but just any job. It was about equalness and self esteem and stabilization and other things which are important for a relationship but as the liar and parasite he is he never worked and never took care of it.

So with the money I gave him he is independent and I hope i can find some peaceful moments for myself. But they are not. He wants to talk to me everyday or he writes letters to my work or he wants to see me. Everything because he wants to get me back. It's not that I broke up with him I just need air to breathe. But there really isn't. I get about twenty text messages everyday and there is not one day where he doesn't involve me in new verbal conflicts, where he tries to blame me for my part in it, where he complaints about the room I am paying for him, where he freaks out when we talk, where he controls me or where he begs for love or just cigarettes. Here some more text messages from that time:

"Do you have a skype account or not ?"

"I asked you because whe i installed skype on your computer (because of (...)) i saw some accounts."
I did not know and did not use skype back then, so this message was just for controlling me if I could find out what he does I think. And later I find out that he gave himself the representative username "slutpuppy65" when he used my computer for skyping.

"I'm sorry i ever doubted your words. I'm sorry i mistrusted you being on the internet alone. And I'm sorry for behaving so jealous back then. Please forgive me."
That tells a lot about himself, speaking of: projection !

"You are so so special and the way you turn me on is unbelievable. I love you forever. I want you more ever. Now. Tomorrow. Forever. Sleep well my dream woman, my sexual fantasy, my angel, my d."
At the same time in march (and forthcoming months) when he writes me these lovely words he cheats with about ten other women behind my back.
Copy - paste.

"My d. It was wonderful to kiss and to feel you again. To touch you and to feel you will always makes me shiver and feel like the most lucky man in the world. And i am the most lucky man in the world. d.+j. Always."
see previous comment

"Since you don't care to pick up the fucking phone i don't know if this msg is being reed. But i can tell you that i only wanted to hear how your day was."
No, he only wanted to control.

"How the fucking bloody hell do you fucking think it makes me feel ? Do you think it is piece of cake for me? I don't even know where the fuck i can stay. (...)"
Afraid of losing the money source.
The constant use of the word "fuck" is nothing else as a distraction from the underlying motif.

"Darling, i think i made a wrong thing. There was so much noise in the apartment that i took the bus to your place. I did that without asking you first but it was not out of bad will, i simply was me not thinking we have a whole other situation these days. I made a cup of coffee but i don't sniff around or doing anything to harm your privacy. If you feel better with me not being here, then just txt me and i leave instantly and without any bad feelings. You should know this is the very first time i go to your apartment. Your j."
But he did harm my privacy ! With everything he writes here. The real reason was surely that he did some checks or calls on my computer. It is not consideration what he does, it is harm and selfish.

"D., i know you are busy. I just want to tell you how much i love you. What you have done for me is more than i have ever experienced before-all the years put together. How you made me want you and you made me feel when you kiss and touch me is more than anything else i have ever felt. I love you. Everything about you is magic. You are magic. My beloved d. my baby. my woman, my everlasting love. I hope i forever will be your j."
I can just repeat the comment:

At the same time he writes me these lovely words he cheats with about ten other women behind my back.

Copy - paste.

The most important thing in Jakobs world seems to be a computer. Many text messages or talks with him in that and all other times were about internet, network pages, profiles, comments and so on. It seems without the virtual existences Jakob is nothing. The part of Jakob in this relationship was pretty dominated from his knowledge, interest and actions he took in the internet which it was never meant to be. But no matter what I tried he was never interested in reality. He avoids any confrontations where he is about to lose his masks.

The room he is living in runs out by middle of march and since he still has no job he needs a new place to stay. He tells me that his apartment neighbor has offered a place for him. Fine.
A couple of days later he invites me to a hotel in the city (from the money I borrowed him...) and once again he wants to steal the sun from heaven for me. It's the everlasting loop of wishing and wanting and not being able to take the step into reality. My money for the invitation is still my money and a deception of the truth. A helpless but somehow also weird-nice gesture.
D.
________________________________

When it comes to money, presents or other support in any way, Jakob has no scruple to take it. Nor will you hear a "thank you." He does what it takes to get it. Be it to pretend love, to make sex or to give you promises he never is able to keep. He just does it and it means nothing. It is like a job for him. The two words he utilizes most are "love" and "fuck". The overuse of them is not a genuine expression of a feeling but an instrument to manipulate you. The stronger a word the more someone reacts on it. "Love" and "fuck" both are very strong and manipulative words which influence the ends of our emotional poles. The positive and the negative. Jakob uses them to reach his goals. Additionally, the frequent use of them works like brainwashing. This strategy is also known from sects.
_______________________
Conditions for mind control:
Psychologist Margaret Singer described in her book "Cults in our Midst" six conditions, which would, she says, create an atmosphere where thought reform is possible. Singer sees no need for physical coercion.

-- controlling a persons time and environment, leaving no time for thought

-- creating a sense of powerlessness, fear and dependency

-- manipulating rewards and punishments to suppress former social behavior

-- manipulating rewards and punishments to elicit the desired behavior

-- creating a closed system of logic which makes dissenters feel as if something was wrong with them

-- keeping recruits unaware about any agenda to control or change them (comments like: "I would never hurt you, I would never lie to you, I can't believe you think I am lying/ using you...." etc)

february 2009

2010-12-22T15:01:00.000-08:00

February starts as january has ends. I am going to work every day while Jakob stays home, takes care of cleaning the apartment now and then, takes care of applications and spends the rest of the day with internet and waiting for me to come home. When I am home he wants my full attention and if I try to spend time with someone else he finds a way to express how less he appreciates it. If he feels that discussions pressure him he is going for a walk and refuses any talk which touches responsibilities. He doesn't care how I feel about it and if it causes me any pain. He just leaves. And often enough I run after him to get him back or to get the chance to end a talk. One time I find him hided in the attic, his face full of shame and I just take him in my arms and tell him to come back. He promises and promises. The bright future, the work, the man he wants to be for me. It feels like an eternal loop.

It breaks in a february night.
I spend an evening without Jakob and alone with my friend. It is a nice evening with easy talks, laughter and smoking weed. I am relaxed and happy when I come home and I want to share my good feelings with Jakob. I open the door and when he turns to me to talk to me I realize that he is drunk.
"How was your evening, Darling ?" he asks and accentuates the last word sarcastic.
"Fine." I smile at him still filled with the good emotion.
"So ? Fine for you !" he remarks sarcastic again. "What did you do ?"
I realize his tone and try to be careful what I say: "Just talking and smoking a bit, nothing special."
"What did you smoke ?" his eyes look envy.
"A bit weed."
He pauses for a moment and I can see traces of rage start forming around his mouth before he continues:
"Nice. Why did you never take weed with me ?"
"You never told me you want some." I try to be logical. But that just provokes him even more.
"With me you never take weed, hm ? Why not ???" he asks again ignoring my remark, his voice gets louder..
"If you want weed than just get it." I tell him.
"With me you don't smoke, hm ? But with your frrrrieeennnnnd, hm ?." he speaks it out as if my friend and I would do something secretly behind his back and rolls the word slowly in his mouth.
"No." i say and just look at him.
"What is it with you and your friennnndddd ?" his voice gets cold.
"What do you mean ?"
"You and your friieeennnndddd...what is it ? Come, tell me."
"Nothing."
"Come tell me. No problem."
"There is nothing. We had a nice evening."
"Maybe I should call your friennnnndddd and ask her what you do, hm ??? Maybe she will tell me."
"Why do you want to call her ?"
"She is such a bitch."
"What ????"
"I will tell her what bitch she is. Give me the number."
"No !!!!"
"But no problem, Daaaaling, I just talk to her. You talk to her all day. Why can I not talk to her ? Come Daaaaling, just a little word to your friiiennnnndddd." he says in disgusting wrong tone.
I try to calm him down and say. "OK just do. She will not listen anyway." But it doesn't work.
He is about to take the telephone and starts to call her number what is no option for me. I think it is enough when he spoils my evening but not hers as well. I am so angry meanwhile about his behaviour that I tell him: "Just do it. Do you want me to call your brother instead ? "
"YOU WILL NOT CALL MY BROTHER !" he screams suddenly direct in my face, grabs my head and pulls my hair with such a sudden violent move that tears come to my eyes from the pain and I start screaming to stop hurting me.
"Don't call my brother. Did you understand ? Don't dare to ever call my brother !!" he hisses "He is the only one I have. You will not take him away from me !!!! " and he pulls my hair gain. This time more violent than the first time. "Did you understand ?"
"Yes. Let my hair, let my hair, let my hair."
He keeps his fingers firmly around my hair.
"Never ever. It is MY brother !" with every word he pulls my hair harder and I cry.
He hisses and is drunk and I don't forget his cold voice when he starts bashing me:
"You are not better than all the other woman. You are like the monster. I am good enough for cleaning, yes ??? For cleaning your fucking apartment, yes ????" and he pulls me two steps through the apartment.
"I never made you clean." I say halfscreaming.
"Oh yes, you did. You are like the monster." another pull.
I scream louder, try to push him away and finally he lets my hair go. He looks at me and my tears.
"You are just a cunt." he says.
I am mute and stare at him.
"You're a fucking cunt."
"I am not." I say as quiet as I can.
"You know what I will do when I am out here ?"
"No. What ?"
"I will fuck every woman I can get. Really deep and good. And there are many, y'know... "
"Ok, have fun." is the last ironic remark I get over my lips.
"You're such a failure." he says.
I get up and want to escape. Just escape from him, from the situation, from the wreckage and everything he has just destroyed.
"No !" he screams. "You stay !!"
I stumble into the bedroom but he follows me and screams at me. On the bed he tries to keep me down with his weight and his hands and suddenly I have his fingers around my neck. He starts to press. I scream as loud as I can. He puts just more pressure on his fingers and I can't breathe. Panic, panic, screams. His ugly antic over me. Close. I struggle to get away from him but he keeps pressing and pressing and I see the hate in his eyes. i don't know who this is in his eyes but I am so scared that I just scream. And then I give suddenly up. Until today I don't know why but from one second to another I get totally quiet and calm inside. I don't care anymore what happens. I don't care if I might die. I think I just accept that there is some sort of higher order and it feels alright. What I remember is this clarity inside when I look at him and say: "Just do it."
I don't know if it was my voice or the words or my look but from one second to another he lets go. I get instantly up and he follows again but I just grab my things and run out of the apartment. He wants to follow too but is too drunk to run. I hear smashing noises and hear him scream, then take the car and try to drive away. I can't cause I shake allover. I call my friend instead and she wants to sent men to get him out. I don't know what to do. I don't want strangers to hurt him. I don't want him in jail. I can't think anymore. But then I go back. My apartment is smashed. He lays on the floor halfnaked. "I am such a loser." he cries and can't stop saying it. I put him to bed, pull the blanket over him and lay next to him. When he grabs after me to put my hand around his cock, tells me to suck him and tries to kiss me I leave to sit on the floor the rest of the night.
"Good morning darling." he says the next morning, with a cup of coffee in his hand. It's a saturday. His face is calm and normal as ever. I sit and watch him how he drinks his coffee and how he stirs the sugar and how he lights his morning cigarette then. I don't know what I am waiting for. A word of excuse. Or maybe only for a sign that tells me he knows what has happen. "What are we doing today, darling ?" he asks after a while and takes a zip of his coffee.
"I want you to go." I say quietly.
He cries when he packs the few things.

I am not able to throw him out for good. He has nowhere to go and I feel responsible for him. And yes, I love him like crazy against all reasons. It's wrong but the network of feelings and dependencies is not easy to cut. I want him away from my place, I need time to breathe and get myself together again so I bring him to a hotel that he has a room for a couple of nights. And now he swears to heaven that nothing else matters to him anymore as to gain back my love and to bring back innocence in my life and our future and to have a real life together. He asks me if I could provide him also a cellphone because he wants to call for all the open job interviews and applications right away. I give him this chance and he gets the phone. A bad idea. I will soon go to Berlin again and for the time I am in Berlin I allow him to go back to my apartment. Later I find out that he calls some woman in the states the night before I leave to Berlin while I am laying in the bed next door and sleep. It's only a week since he violated me and promised longlife love and responsibility again. But as I find out later it is in fact just the start of another bunch of cheats. And he will generously use my cellphone for it. To me he gives the penitent sinner as his best role ever. Some of the text messages I receive from him:

"I miss your love too, d. I want to be what i told you i was, not just words or intentions or mean words. I love everything about you."

"Darling, i want us to survive. I miss you like i did when i was in norway and you was so far away."

"I want our innocence back and i know it is up to me."

"Please know how much i feel for you, how much i love you, how much i know i hurted you. I will always love you."

"I want one day tell you about things which make me the monster i am. But it will never change that i loved you, that i love you, that i always will love you."

"One thing i forgot: please don't close down. And i promise you to treat you with respect and love."

"You don't understand. I am not in denial. I realise what i did and said. And it was so awfully wrong."

"I am afraid tonight. Because I love you. Because what we had was so innocent, so fine, so right...and now our innocence is lost. And i wonder if we are too. You told me it is not death of me to lose you. But i feel it is. I hurted you so badly, so wrongly. Sorry is never gonna make it right, my actions will...if i have time. i love you, d."

"I dream of you, d. Do you know that ? In dream begin responsibility.."

"I pictured the rainbow/you held it in your hands. This is how i feel about us. It makes me so ashamed...will you ever understand,d ? I hope not."

I do.
D.

january 2009

2010-12-22T02:07:00.000-08:00

The happiness from the last days in december ends abrupt. Within the first week of january he tells me that the company has cancelled the job offer. When I ask for the reasons he stays rather unclear and mutters that they have given the job to someone else. That is something I don't accept because I know the paragraphs which say that even a verbal confirmation is legally binding. So I tell him to insist on the offer and have a talk to them. According to Jakob he does but without result. When I offer my help and tell him "let me talk to them" he is vehement against it and doesn't do any further. It is so obvious that something was wrong with that manoeuvre and that he used me for just another week to escape from promises which he never was willing to fulfill that I fall into a state of despair. In a clear second I know that even the absolutest moment of screaming happiness and all my love and my maximum of giving will never be enough to ever satisfied his greed to hurt people, to hurt me, to hurt himself. I just know it won't change and I spend days after days of thinking how to handle it and to find a solution for me. I know I have to go but I can't. Feelings are not facts. It's an non sufferable thought of longing and wanting him and not to give up a dream.

Since a while my body rebels with a signifcant symptom. Vertigo. It gets worse and one night I need to see the emergency doctor with symptoms of a heartattack. You are healthy, says the doctor but the symptoms stay.

I think Jakob feels the same sadness in this time but pretty sure for other reasons. He keeps telling me that he applies on and on and that meanwhile he has nearly eighty applications out. I am glad to hear that but I am reluctant with hope. So I let him do what he does and that is surfing in the internet. It is still for fun and the fun turns into some nasty games when he starts to badtalk and stalk old affairs. He has bad ideas how to disturb them, how to trouble them and I even help him sometimes. I don't know if it is because he closed all other accesses. I tried many things to give him a good start into what is called a real life. But like a child it seems that the only level he is willing to participate and take action are all kind of games and convenient pleasures. Maybe it is also the frustration about him which searches for exits. Or the brilliant ability from Jakob to let you see monsters where are none. I don't know and it doesn't matter. I got my part in it and it feels sort of me & Jakob against the rest of the world. As everything it is an illusion.

The appointment for our tattoo has come and there is not a second of a doubt that I want to have it. Jakob of course is keen on it for his own reasons (which might be found in a shortterm belief of snakeskin leatherjacket romance or just as tribute for a couple of more careless months where he has a bed to sleep and can live on others cost). So he got my "d." and I got his "j.". Whatever the reasons have been for doing it and however the meaning of it has changed and however Jakob has changed the stories about it now, it stays a symbol for a great dream, which failed. No regrets.

Sometimes we go out with a friend of mine which he knows meanwhile a little bit. It's the friend he will later accuse me I have a lesbian affair with (no, I didn't) but at this time he gives actually the impression that he finds her pretty attractive and that he doesn't mind going out together. Jakob has a blooming fantasy and all the things he tells later have never taken place except that he might have been jealous that I have friends. And no matter what sexual preferences someone has, it is not on him to judge them. Let everyone have, it's great !!
D.

december 2008

2010-12-21T14:57:00.000-08:00

So the state in december is that he is sitting home all day while I go to work. That he tries to find a job without result. That he spends time more in the internet than in reality. That he lied and lies to me beyond everything I ever would have accepted from anyone else. That he has created an atmosphere of mistrust. That he gladly takes my money and other presents. That he confrontates me with his rage and pathological behaviour and forces me to consider his feelings at the same time. That he plays the helpless little boy. That he shows arrogance against others. That he is nasty and mean to me and expects a caring woman at the same time. That he constantly tries to provoke me to emotional outbursts just with the result that he can use it against me in the next argue. And overall he shows an attitude as if all the things he uses and gets are for granted and as if he has every goddamn right to get them. Fact is, he has no rights on anything. He doesnt own anything. He doesnt work. He doesnt help. He is not even able to the smallest genuine emotional contribution. My brain already tells me that I should throw him out but his stories and pity cards pay still off and above all, hell, I love him ! I love him so much that I am completely blind against the things he destroys. And there are other things which make it yet impossible for me. Hope is one factor. The imagination and his promises that the job and the common and happy future with him is just so close, just one second away keeps me in the game of hope. I just don't want to give up what seems so close to reach. Then his ability to create moments of all-consuming love is another strong part of it. They are more often than I might have express it in the blog so far but they exist and indeed it is a magic about them and they catapult us back to where all started. For those special moments I forgive lies, nasty insults, verbal attacks again and again. Too much. What works as the third pilar is our sex. I haven't written about it in this blog and will not do it since it goes too far. But to understand Jakobs methods and how he strangles women back into his traps it can't be excluded. Sex is a strong instrument in a relationship with Jakob. If not the strongest ! He admires and wants me all around the clock. That never stops, nor our mutual desire. As in all other things he doesnt have limits in sex either. Be it in reality or in fantasy. And of course it's exciting and fun and let forget time and reality too. It takes quite an amount of our time and in this time we feel always close and nothing but love. Meanwhile the issues he has with his body are also gone. Next to it he tells me some strange stories about the scars he wears, but today I think they were no exceptions from his lies. Taken the mix of all together it feels as every day is a constant walk between the very extremes. Yes, every day. Every goddamn single day. And slowly I am driving crazy. It starts to affect my work, my friendships and most of all my health. Still I don't take care of it.

From all destructive methods in a relationship to lie is probably the worst since it shakes everything. The words which are spoken after a lie get another meaning when they are the same. And even new words won't be taken that serious anymore. All beauty of words gets devaluated by a lie. And at the end words are just an empty shell. And so feels the soul when it is spiked with lies over and over.

Jakob is telling a lot of bullshit. And he is trying hard to follow his own stories. But it doesn't always work. Sometimes his lie is so obvious that even a blind and deaf knows that he cheats. And still there are cases where he insists on his lies that you don't know if he is tragic, funny or just sick. One day he tells me he had a medical appointment arranged for taking blood samples and I should take him there. I do and call then the doctor later that day to tell him where to send their bill. The nurse on the phone is completely surprised and tells me that Mr. Maltese has no appointment that day. In the evening I ask Jakob how his appointment was.
"Ok", he says, "they have taken the blood sample."
"Show me."
And he shows me his arm where I can clearly see there is no injection and no plaster cast.
"I don't see anything." i tell him. "Where did they make the puncture ?"
"Yes !!!!!" he shouts instantly. "Here !!!!!" and points to the clean arm.
"Aha", I say," but you didn't have an appointment. You haven't been there at all. I called the doctor you know....so stop that."
Then he yells at me: " Why did you call ?"
"Because of the damn bill !" I scream back.
"So it's your fault when you call." he says.
It is simply absurd. In fact, I think he was in some hotel in the city that day because I found some clear indications for that. Whoever he met there it surely was not the doctor.

I am attending a Xmas party in germany and when I come back I find out he uses my computer to watch pornos. This is a mans world..., however, but I don't like he uses my computer for it and I don't like his ridiculous explanation. He sells it as a strange form of proof that he is not porn-addicted because he wanted to find out if he is, or something like that. Errhhh, what ??

By beginning or middle of december he gives me great news. "Darling, I get a job !" I hardly can't believe it and I am totally excited. He tells me he had a successful job interview and they want to have him. It is an IT company in Z. and the job sounds great. The job starts by beginning of january and future seems like heaven now. "They will send the job contract before christmas !" he tells me and we spend a great careless time. Shortly before christmas the contract has not arrived yet and I get concerned. They will send it he assures me, don't worry. But by christmas the contract is not there. Though I am inviting him to a short trip in the hope of having the contract in the letter box when we return. We have beautiful days and spending happy nights. New year is there and it could be all perfect when we come home. But it isn't.
D.
___________________________
Much later I find out that he cheated on me at this time already. He does it the "usual" way. Calling women behind my back, declaring love to them and so on. I don't know why he is doing it because there is no reason for except boredom perhaps or the "pressure" he feels to take on just normal responsibility. But he did never do anything to escape his own boredom by either finding work nor following my suggestion to spend more time outside or by finding friends in real life, so how absurd and consciousless can it be ? It seems so senseless. I dont know about his cheat because absolutely nothing has changed in his behaviour towards me. There is not the slightest trace of a hint that something is going on. He is charming as always, horny as always, funny as always etc. absolutely the same in everything. In contrary we are more happy and close than ever.

november 2008

2010-12-20T13:07:00.000-08:00

Myspace is not the real world. It is a virtual world in which your value is measured by the place in a toplist or the number of friends you have. Those things are, different from the real world, easy to reach in the virtual cosmos because the next friend is just a click away. But friends have a different meaning in the virtual world. They don't come to you when you need a hand on your shoulder to comfort you but they can deliver the illusion of it. By words or by voice. Though, there is always a local distance between virtual friends. The same way as the most friends are halfreal the attention you get out of it is too. It doesnt mean anything when you have hundreds of myspace friends which you never met or never even talked to and brings noone anywhere. But of course there are the lucky cases when people find each other over the internet and it turns out to be the big love or the friendship of the century. In general virtual relations of any kind develop pretty fast since the internet creates a more intimate atmosphere as a meeting in a cafe could do. Words are the initial key to people on internet platforms or chatrooms. What changes the focus to inner values instead to the famous first impression in real life. The other advantage is the possibility just to close a profile and vanish when things go wrong. Who knows if the username was the real name ? Who knows if the profile picture is true ? It's on everyone how to use myspace or other internet platforms . They can be used in a good way but they also can easily misused for cheats and frauds and whatever. Jakob uses the internet platforms very clever to his favour and always for the same reasons: to approach people, especially to approach women and to play with them in order to gain satisfaction out of his intrigues. I assume it is a way for him to feel power and get attention. Something he doesn't have in reality. The games he plays in the internet are safe for him because he is too far away located from his victims to be in real danger when he is caught in trouble. He always has several affairs at the same time ongoing and they all follow the same scheme: making feel women fall in love with him, using them for virtual sex, telling every affair the same: that she is the only one and all others don't mean anything to him. Of course that is wrong but effective since most of us are flattered when someone makes us feel special. Sooner or later everyone realizes that something is wrong with Jakobs stories. Or that he has several other virtual affairs. That's the point when either the affairs step back and then Jakob just deletes the "friend" or the affair is already too much caught in his manipulation and Jakob keeps going the game with her and drives her slowly nuts with always the same lame lies and deceptions. Jakob might be an internet hero but in reality he is a very insecure person with selfish needs who runs away from every responsibilty. He can just not compete with his virtual image. Reality checks are too challenging for him and therefor it is no wonder that he prefers the safe and cosy realms of the internet.

When we go back on myspace in november he promises me to use it only for having a bit fun with me and to provoke some friends from the myspace past. I don't mind and it's kind of fun for a while. But once he is back he seems to get lost in it again. Its too much time he spends there and it distracts him from the important things. Whenever I come home he sits in front of the computer doing myspace or youtube. It seems he does it all day. His complete careless ignorance of reality is not only disturbing anymore. He not even take attempts to get real. When I talk to him about it he just ignores it as well and provokes me with sarcastic remarks instead until I lose it and break up the talk or yell at him. I get really annoyed because I finally want him to find a job. It is important for several reasons. Not only that I want him to have a real social life it is also an economical question and a matter of respect. Who is he that he sits around all day doing nothing and get served ? What about the equalness we agreed on ? What about his part ? I don't know what he has expected but money doesn't fall from heaven, I need to work hard for it and one salary for two persons in expensive switzerland is not enough. When I ask him if he knows what I earn each month he says: I don't want to know. Fact is, I lose money every month and so it becomes more and more a necessarity that I need also his economical support. The laws in switzerland are very strict. Without work you are not entitled to receive financial help from the governemt nor are you actually entitled to stay in the country. Which means Jakob urgently needs work. So he starts to tell me every day when I come home from my work that he applied to several companies and that some of them have replied and are about to invite him to a job interview. He prefers to apply to IT companies since this is what he can do best and what he has worked in the past with, he says. That are great news and so it goes the entire month. Beyond the discussions and problems which are feeded from his temper there are surely the good things too. It's the good stories we have together and the exciting moments what makes it hard to let him go. One day we decide that we want to let us make a tattoo. Since months he is telling me that he wants so badly to wear my signature on his arm or the fish I once used as profile picture. In the end we agree that we will wear each others handwritten first letter of our first names between the fingers of our left hand as sign of our love and as a promise. So, we get an appointment for january.
D.
_____________________
Strategies of Jakob in the internet:
- often contacts people by talking about music (Lou Reed, Nick Cave, Steve Earle, Rainer, Green On Red, Son Volt, 16 Horsepower, Madrugada, Sophia, Ramones,....that kind of stuff)
- posting music videos with secretly hints (lyrics)
- posting movie videos with secretly hints (movie scenes with special content)
- writing love poems (A. Akhmatova, P. Neruda ...)
- makes clever comments
- appears adventurous
- flattering people
- later love bombing
- always charming and funny in the beginning (compliments)
- makes people feel pity about him (lies about the death of his daughter, giving a pityful picture about his sickness, talking about a bad childhood)
- gives impression of an adventurous life
- sends very fast sex driven messages (explicit sexual fantasies)
- asks for phone conversation very fast
- asks for eMail adresses very fast as well
- closes his current profiles spontaneous when his games are causing too much trouble for him
- opens easily and fast new profiles, and invites the "good" player from old games again to the new profiles. the "bad" player (means: those who can see through his games) are out.

See also chapter "pseudonyms & aliases". All listed profiles are currently closed to my knowledge. But there will be new ones. Watch out !

other computer related:
Jakob has set up probably a bunch of eMail addresses as he did in the past. He uses them mainly to create new profiles.
He will clearly use the internet behind your back for his needs. (cheats, games, pornos etc.)
He will try to hide his internet activities and erase all traces.
He will also try to keep you away from his saved data files and protect all his savings with passwords even those he declares as harmless. It's everyones right to do so. Just in the context with the knowledge about his lies and behaviour it creates another area of mistrust.
In contrary he will demand openess from you and will try to control your computer activities wherever he can. If you don't agree he will accuse you of internet abuse.

october 2008

2010-12-19T08:54:00.000-08:00

What I want is a real Jakob and in october he tries to fullfil the promises he gave me in september. Every step in that direction is accompanied by a lot of discussions, resistances, verbal outbursts and it takes endless patience from my side to deal with it. It is time consuming and fully concentrated on him. The preparation for a talk takes hours or sometimes days for him. To take action in little things takes up to weeks. But at least he tries something.

The first thing he tries to repair is the destroyed relationship to his family. He gives me insights about the constellations. Now he also tells me the astonishing circumstances of his birth and why he was actually true by telling me that he is the youngest brother. Yes he says, my brother and me are born at the same day but I was actually a month (?) younger than my brother when my mother gave birth to us. I am highly surprised. How can that be ? He explains that she was a rare case of having two different pregnancies at the same time. She got pregnant with me when she was already pregnant with my brother. Aha, i never heard of that, I say. Intense swearing combined with the look he uses when he gets serious is his reaction. Now i should say: when he plays serious...Another strategy of Jakob is to rush you through the talk so that you don't have time to think about what he just told you. It comes later to your mind again and leaves you with questions but then the talk is already gone. So he tells me about his brothers in more details. Their characteristics, how they have developed their own life and how they dealt with the difficult home situation, especially with the cruel mother. He tells me that his mother tried to drown his twin brother when he was a kid and I am totally shocked. But he was lucky, Jakob says, because he was sent to a boarding school and was away from her while I had to stay with her and couldn't go. Jakob tells that his parents moved a lot when he was young because of the job of his father. How many times ? i ask him. About 17 times, he says. I can about imagine what it means to a child to experience constant uncertainty and being surrounded by a coldhearted atmosphere at the same time. Slowly I start to make my peace with him again because I appreciate his openess to me and feel sort of honored that he shares details about his life. Today I cannot assess to which degree Jakob expanded the stories about his parents and his childhood because the lies he gives you are by and by seeding a general mistrust in you in everything he is telling you. There is surely a true part in all his stories but you never know which part exactly it is. It's a good guess to take half of the stories serious. Maybe less. I don't know. His ambition is to win your heart and with your heart he wins your believe in his stories. And vice versa.
I am a little bit impressed as he tries to reach out for his brothers again and starts to call them regularly despite the difficult relation between them. One day he receives a real letter from his father which makes him very happy and so am I.

Next to his family he introduces five or six friends to me. He gives me their names and a short description about how they met. He says that he wants to get back in contact with all of them again to show me that he didn't lie. I have friends, he once said and I never doubt that until I had contact to his wife in july where she told me the opposite. He searches for these friends in the internet and writes their numbers down when he finds them. He is then in contact with one of them (the one who should bring his things from denmark) and tries hard to contact another one. The rest is a dead end. In fact it is true what his wife told me because the only one he had contact to in that time wrote me later that he did not really considers Jakob as a friend. He told me as well that there were never talks about him coming to Z. to bring his stuff cause he doesn't have any. Today they don't have contact at all.

The question about his marriage is still an open question and I want to know what he wants to do. Of course I want to have a divorce, he says, it's easy to do that in denmark and doesn't cost much. I don't force him to do that but to my surprise he sends the request to denmark. A couple of weeks later he is divorced. When the divorce letter arrives he doesn't show any emotional reaction. I ask him because ten years are a long time and must have left some traces. I don't care, he says and throws the letter aside. Once he wrote me that the marriage was just done for a certain purpose and without feelings from his side. So I don't ask any further. Today I have kind of the same situation with him as he more or less denies previous
feelings for me and so on. It just shows that he is a cold calculating person with no empathy for anyone. As soon as people are not useful anymore or get "dangerous" for him they don't exist for him anymore and he distorts the truth ruthless to his favour.

The birth certificate arrives. And it confrontates me with another truth I didn't want to believe when his wife informed me about it. His birth name is not Maltese. He is born as Jakob Dalgaard. He admits that but never tells me details why he decided to change his name. More or less he puts "a huge argue with his mother and insulting reaction from her" in the bowl for that. It always provokes him to the limits to talk about his mother and he gets furious as soon as we start to talk about her. Nearly everytime I tell him not to talk to me in this uncontrolled aggressive way. It doesn't work and turns more and more into a power game of him. Screams, insults and other verbal outbursts are always followed by instant excuses and put you on an emotional wire.

The last thing he provides is finally a paper which states his education. It is an official paper from a technical college and confirms indeed that he took classes and passed tests in information technology. To see the paper calms me down and gives hope again that there is still a basis for a real life. A job seems not out of reach. And once he is at work he also starts to have a social life I think. Because staying home and doing nothing except cleaning makes him nuts, he says. I wonder why he just doesn't go out but that is not an option without you, he says. I don't accept that and so discussions start again. It's truly a fight with him cause he produces so many contradicitons in himself that it feels kind of senseless in the end to talk about just normal things.

Friends who are visiting me are getting more rare since he gives the impression that he doesn't like it when he has to share me with others. It goes beyond the usual. I remember when a friend was visiting me and stayed overnight for a couple of days. It was a catastrophe. Jakob sabotated nearly every kind of activity and hardly talks to my friend and runs away when he is alone with my friend just for a second. He clearly has a problem with that and I try to understand it in the beginning. In the end there is no other chance to deal with it as staying alone with him at home, not to invite people anymore and going to visit friends at their places instead.

I guess it must have been in october when he wants to go back to myspace. Just for fun. I say okay and go back as well but that is not the best idea.
D.
__________________________________
The relationship to Jakob is always ambivalent.
His ability to present his lies as authentic stories, even they might sound unbelievable, make it hard to see through when you are directly involved with him. The absurdity of his lies are only obvious with a distance to him. What he uses to give the impression that the stories are true are
- the surprise factor because you don't count with such stories and you don't count with big lies. Lies are normally made within commonly accepted limits, mostly as little deceptions in daily life. Big lies as Jakob uses are lies we are just not used to and don't expect that someone ever would go that far.
- the pace factor because he rushs you through the lies that you don't have the time to think about the just said. If you start to remember the contradiciton he has already changed the subject and tries to make a fool out of you if you bring up the question at a later point.
- the ambivalence you feel about him. He uses it to his favour and twists questions against yourself. If that doesnt work he intensifies the ambivalence by getting very rude in his comments and behaviour towards you.
- by using accompanying gestures. When Jakob tells you a lie he often uses strong gestures or is getting loud to put more weight on his words. It works because lies and gestures are a unit. He doesn't make mistakes that way.
- by persist on his lies. Even you have caught him clearly with a lie he will still tell you that the lie is the truth.
So, deep inside you know something is wrong and more and more it receives a selfdynamic which you can't hardly escape from. He fucks your mind the best he can.
It's even more difficult to escape and to get in distance since he ALWAYS keeps telling you about the love he feels for you. But this is a lie too.

The isolation he provokes works slowly. In the beginning there are little compromises to do him a favour or consider his feelings. Later you get tired of the fights with him about it and you take more compromises. The spiral goes more and more down and in worst case it can end that way that no one is around you anymore except Jakob. Be careful and don't give up your social life !

september 2008

2010-12-18T17:24:00.000-08:00

Jakob has nothing to offer under the charming surface. It's a thought which crosses my mind for the first time in september. Because many conversations end this way either that he quickly changes the subject as soon as I want to talk about something profound or he ignores all I have said and leaves it unanswered. Whenever he is in lack of knowledge or loses interest he change the subject and talks about love instead, as the perfect exit strategy. I realize that this is what he does best: talking about our love, his feelings and desire for me and creating romantic memories of the future. It works fine in summer but by september I start to notice that he has an obvious lack of interest in my life or other people when we talk. Even if I start telling about my life the conversation always ends that we are talking about him. It is his illness we are talking about, it is his childhood we are talking about, it is his behavior patterns and causes which we discuss, it is his whims which determine whether we talk or not. It is his tears which need to be dried again and again. It is his emotional dolor that is in the center of every conversation.It is his complaints about everything and everyone to be on the topic because they raise questions. His deficits dominate everything. There are non-reflected, one-sided and completely ego-oriented depictions of his life in which he punishes verbally everyone who he secretly considers as dangerous because those people just know too much of the genuine truth about him. There are sad stories that reach my heart. He blames his father for his weakness, his brothers for their despicable normal lifes, he badmouths about friends or relationships from the past, but the most cruel person, however, was his cold heartless mother. She is the central figure in many discussions and the central theme of his life. Jakobs relationship to his mother is not solved and serves him to this day as a welcome excuse and reason for all emotional cruelty he causes particularly to women.
He often lays next to me and I feel fascination and loathing about the downside of his skin in equal parts. Jakob is unpredictable.Even for himself. The longer we live together the more he loses control about his emotions. Now and then there are ugly moments in his speech. So extremely charming he is, so extremely angry he can get. Often enough it just needs a thoughtless remark of mine and he feels provoked beyond all measure. And the same Jakob who was just charming transformes in a nasty asshole from one second to another whoinsults and mocks me. Jakob is very easy to provoke and each talk is a balancingact. The slightest hint of criticism is provocative. Inquiries to his stories are provocative. Too little attention is provocative. Pursue own needs is provocative.Slightest demands on him are provocative and he considers them as pressure. Our conversations get more explosive, also because I finally want to have his papers and his stuff here from denmark so he can take care of a job. I find his lack of interest in his papers/things disturbing and ask now more often. He presents excuses and explanations on some notes.

"He called 6.16. He is not coming before next friday. He will send you the papers (fax to your work)...fine for the peace between us but I am disappointed and a bit angry. I will call him tonight and tell him how i feel. He needs your fax number."

I don't receive anything at work but finally, he announces happily that his friend definately comes next weekend and will bring everything. I am relieved and another week goes by in which Jakob spends his time with doing nothing. I wonder a lot about his inactivity. Every impulse needs to come from the outside before he moves. He plays the helpless, dependent, like a little boy. My observations about it are answered with fierce indignation. Then the weekend is there. One night before he assures me again that he talked to his friend, that his friend just hit the road and can be expected next day in the afternoon. I come back from an event the next day and look forward to meet his friend. As I enter the apartment Jakob is not there and I find some notes and a letter on the floor. The notes say that his friend doesn't come. Neither the stuff. Neither the papers. The letter is a masterful attempt at reconciliation. It contains explanations about his behaviour and excuses which later turn out to be just more lies.

"(...) if this had been one year ago i would have run. As i always run. But i am too old to run and i am way too much in love with you to not stay and fight. When i say stay that means of course it depends on you. i have no rights no part in your appartment. All is up to you. I can't force you to do anything. Neither will i try.

(...) i didn't let you choose. My lies forced you into a decision which I am sure you would like to be without. I brought lies into what could have been the most wonderful thing in my life. maybe yours too. i don't know. saying I'am so sorry for all this doesn't help you at all. there's so many things which is screaming to be said loud but which is staying inside me.

Don't you think i so much want us to be what this was supposed to be: Love. Not lies and feeling of being uncertain. You told me yesterday that you know so much about me. No you don't. You may know some of my lies, some of the things i did but i have to tell you much more one day. if we have the time. it's like peeling off layer after layer. And it's wrong because what i really want is you to see the core. the real me. not having to wait until you finally get there.

I have dealt with lies all my life. From my parents, from my brothers, i have used lies to hide, used lies to prevent myself from being naked - helpless. I never trusted anyone. Yes, i believed their words but i never never trusted them enough to be who i really am. i am probably a failure. Looking back at my life is painful. the decisions i made haunts me now. Coming back with full force. You know, i never really did live the citizen life: tomorrow. it was now. always. I didn't plan retirement or what to do in order to get a career. I took the jobs i needed to be able to do what i wanted. to get food. a roof over my head. buying clothes etc. etc. once i tried to live a normal life. i had to. with B. i had to adknowledge my responsibility. And i did. when it ended i could again feel free. be able to breath. Don't get me wrong: i loved her. I cared for her. but the life as a family man...it just didn't work. i was bored senseless.

I thought i was made for this life of not taking responsibility. I burned so many bridges. Surviving the (...) didn't really change me that much except for one thing. I swore to myself that i would not let anyone push me around like (...) did. It runs deep inside of me. Very very deep. That is why i sometimes get so aggressive when you ask me. and it is so fucking wrong of me because all you do is to try to help me.

(...) we are alike and we are different. I have never been in control of my life, neighter did i wanted that control. I set some rules back then and i lived after them. i never wanted to hurt people. i didn't want to end up like a criminal or a drug addict/alcoholist. and i sticked to those rules after some insecure steps.

(...) the price i have to pay now is high. that my way of living might prevent me from getting a good job which will suit yours. It's true that i worked many places with PC's, software and so on. But it also is part of the picture that i have "holes" where i worked with trashy jobs which had nothing to do with computers and that doesn't looks good on a paper.

Returning to norway even that i thought i would only be for a few months was not the right thing to do. the monster was still a monster and I couldn't find anything there which i haven't already searched for. I knew this guy, (...) is his name, and he was starting up this PC maintanance/repair stuff. It was all very very shitty. no company name, all black-money and no papers signed. But i needed the money. it terminated pretty fast and then i was without a job. i called the psych. hospital and they were happy to take me back, but i was pretty much burned out at that time. I didn't liked the job anymore. and it showed. The last payment (the one (...) took from my creditcard) i knew it would be the last one. not because i had to see you but because i was so drained. the head of the section where i worked told me straight out: this is not good. You need a break. it was true. i was lost in you and i was dealing with that fucking monster. But i couldn't tell you. I felt like a complete failure. i didn't trusted you enough to tell you. it was wrong because only by telling you could i give you a choice. i choosed for you. it's a crime doing such thing to a person who loves you. have i told you the whole story from the beginning you would maybe have chosed to back out. it would have been the worst thing in my life but at least i knew you had the truth and i wasn't decieving you.

(....)"

The letter sounds pretty reasonable, even honest, right ?

Forget it, it contains 80% lies !! (see previous chapters)

He plays and twists your mind the way he needs to twist it in order to get what he wants.

Anger about the fraud is the only sensation. Anger is a clear feeling. I am running out of the apartment. I know him well enough to know where he goes. Rain is pouring down. I find him sitting on a bench, crouched down, a picture of personified misery. I sit next to him and we just sit in silence. Soaking wet and half an hour later, he still doesn't say anything and just keeps staring into the rain. For the first time in our relationship I scream at him. All he does is quietly gazing at the dark and nodding in shame. His composure is even worse. Screaming the only alternative. I run home and let him sit in the rain. At home I start to dig in panic in his clothes in search of hidden things and new lies. I find them in his passport. His age is wrong.He told me he was 38 years old. According to his passport he is 43 years old. More distrust. Panic. Sometime he comes home and tells me new stories. He admits the lie about "my friend will come and bring all my stuff". But now he accuses his brother. He says it was agreed back then that his brother was supposed to take care of his furniture and books and did not do it. He accuses him that he let the things rotten and blames him for destruction of his books and keeping his book shelf. Then he admits to have lied about his age. He says that he only lied because his wife told him to do so in order to have "better chances". I ask him if he doesn't have an own opinion. "Blame it to her" is his answer. We must have propitiate but there is uncertainty in everything he says now. I want proof for all the other things he has said.Who are his friends? I want names and faces. What is his education? I want to see papers. What is his attitude toward his wife? I want a clear statement. Who is he? I want to see the birth certificate. He promises to provide everything.