Januar 02, 2011

who is jakob maltese ?

Dear Reader,

this is a blog about the sociopath Jakob Maltese.
You might have googled "Jakob Maltese" or "Jakob Dalgaard Maltese" and suprisingly this link showed up.

If you were (virtually) contacted by Jakob Maltese and are confused about his behaviour I kindly advise you to read this blog. It might give you some useful insights about him and it might even help to protect you from emotional damage.

I wrote the blog for two reasons:

1. To protect me.
When I broke up with Jakob Maltese he never stopped trying to gain back control over me. He kept stalking, he kept telling lies (about me), he kept disrespecting and he kept using people against me. Apart from his cynical psyche I unfortunately also had to experience in our relationship what else he is able to do and I am saying it here again: He choked me, he threatened me, he was sexual assaulting, he violated me physically. (and i am not talking about passion crime, i am talking about intentional severe violation)
That this perhaps never happen again to anyone else (which I strongly hope) doesn't mean it is not part of his personaltiy anymore. I keep considering him as a dangerous person.

2. To warn others.
Jakob Maltese has conscienceless used many people in his life. There will be good reasons why nobody exposed him so far. Maybe out of shame or another reason could be that people don't want to be remembered on bad times in their life and wish nothing more than to forget and to go on. I couldn't understand it more. Still I felt the blog should be written for those of us who don't want to deal with jerks in their life and because his masked personality requires more than the usual knowledge about human facets. I strongly recommend to read the book "Without conscience" written by Dr. Robert Hare for further information.

If you are not sure if this is the Jakob Maltese you are in contact with please check out the chapter "pseudonyms & aliases" here in the blog.

Please be aware of his reaction in case you're gonna ask him about my blog. I am sure you are here because his kind and charming words blew you away. He appears interesting and you want to know more. Yes, he will charm you with the nicest words you might have ever heard and then he certainly will try to tell you arrogant that the blog is all a lie and that  people like me want him bad. Be smart, don't believe him. Jakob was always good in playing the victim but none of his word is true.
As far as it concerns me, I am truly glad that the chapter is over. My feet are on the ground, my head is in the air and sometimes vice versa. I have many interesting and very dear friends which own and deserve all abundance of my heart.  I am loyal to my happiness & live a great pulsating life.

Good luck,

symtpoms of online brainwashing

I would like to share this very informative and helpful article with you which has been released via cyberpaths.blogspot.com recently. The keyword is manipulation !


1. The cyberpath keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.Your cyberpath might make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them. They will always leave you on the edge of your seat about what their next move or even when your next contact will be. (usually on their terms, not yours)

2. The cyberpath controls the victim's time and online environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons/friends/net buddies except the cyberpath.

Your cyberpath might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. Your chats may have moved to a more "private" or one on one forum and they insist you NOT tell others about you & them or include anyone else in your chats. If you do, be suspicious the cyberpath might be working on THEM behind your back as well. You may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.

3. The cyberpath creates in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency. Usually by providing unparalleled attention, support and understanding in the beginning and then SLOWLY over time withdrawing it and systematically replacing it with their real 'agenda.'

Verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.

4. The cyberpath works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.

The online predator trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself. They make you feel that everything you do, say or think - revolves around the cyberpath. (i.e. less talking & real communication - more cybersex, doing things for them, in person sexual encounters, money loans, etc)

5. The cyberpath puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.

In other words -- What he says, goes.

(We have used the male gender - your cyberpath may well be female.) "

how they get so good at manipulation

written by  Kathy Krajco

It's a known fact that narcissists and psychopaths have amazing powers to sucker and manipulate people. Your typical street con artist is a good example. Authorities warn us not to laugh at the victim and think that we ourselves would never be stupid enough to fall for a con artist's scheme. Indeed, people en masse often fall for one to elect that guy President for Life. Psychopaths routinely sucker even their therapists. Even while still teenagers, they are expert enough at manipulation to do so.

When you are outside the con job's sphere of influence, you see clearly. You wonder what the heck the conned person is thinking. To you it couldn't be more obvious that this is a con job - the warning sirens are blaring. But the mark is oblivious. You wonder what "got into" him or her. They seem under a spell. You see them doing things like automatons, remotely controlled by the manipulator. All he need to do is drop hints to control through the mere power of suggestion and - BOOM - the conned person is thinking or doing exactly what the manipulator wants. The victim might as well be a hand or foot of his.

This is truly spooky. How does it happen?

I studied etymology, and what I learned from the archaic root meanings of words convinced me that the mythology of darkness and magic gradually evolved from a lexicon of language struggling to deal with this seemingly magical power some people have.

But it isn't magic.

The problem is that we have no idea how good at manipulation some people are. They are so good at it, that when we find out how good they are, it blows our mind. How do they get so good at it?

Are these narcissists just brilliant, with astronomical IQs? Well, the more intelligent they are, the more dangerous they are, of course. But, no, they aren't all intelligent. They don't have to be.

It's just a simple matter of "practice makes perfect."

You too would be that good a manipulator if you practiced manipulating people 24-7-365 for a lifetime.

When we interact with others, we are usually trying to communicate. Only rarely are we trying to make an impression instead. Narcissists and psychopaths are always trying to make an impression. They are never trying to communicate. In fact, they block attempts to communicate.

Remember when you were a teenager and met that cool guy or gal? In that situation, we are so busy trying to make a good impression that we do embarrassing things. We are so busy trying to SOUND clever that we say the stupidest things. Our mouths get ahead of our brains.

While we are putting on this star-studded performance, we aren't listening to him or her. We are interested only in the KIND of thing they say and the tone of voice they say it in. Their gestures and body language - we don't miss a beat. We aren't interested in their face, only the expression on it. Why? Because we are studying their continuing reaction to our actions: Ah! a smile! Oh-oh, a frown! OK - there - I got the smile back again. Oh good, s/he stepped closer to me.

See what I'm getting at? When we are operating in this mode, everything we say and do is for effect. We observe the effects and tune our behavior to win the kind of reaction we want. In other words, we are PLAYING that person for the reaction we want. We are trying to manipulate him or her. We are manipulating that smile from him or her. If one thing we say or do doesn't win it, we just try something else and keep trying things till we hit upon what impresses that person as something to smile at. Hence, if we blow it and get a frown instead, in our haste to transform it to a smile we can contradict ourselves in two seconds flat.

We are not being ourselves when we do this. We are quite literally being someone else. We are putting on an act. Our true character doesn't come through, because we are acting out the part of an idealized version of ourselves, an impressive idealized version of ourselves, a purely fictitious character. All because our aim isn't to communicate - it's simply to make an impression.

We can laugh about this rite of passage into sexual adulthood now. It's so awkward. We prefer the company of people we can be ourselves with. But even in adulthood people occasionally go into this mode. In a job interview, for example. Or when meeting a famous or important person.

We never get good at manipulating people though, because we seldom get into this mode where we try to.

Now imagine if you were in this mode all the time with everyone your whole life. That's a lot of practice. Through sheer trial and error, you will become an expert at what produces a smile in another person, or a frown or a look of fear or dejection or shame or anger or whatever you want. You will become an expert at what makes them get mad at some third party you are talking about. You will become an expert at what pushes people's buttons to do a whole list of things you want in various situations. You will be an expert at controlling people this way.

That's what narcissists are, psychopaths are - experts, because they are in this mode all the time with everyone their whole life. Is it even possible for them to cut it out? I doubt it. They don't even know what normal human interaction is. They are always just trying to make an impression. They are never trying to communicate. They block communication. They don't want you to know them. The real them, that is. It's their deepest, darkest secret.

Being in this mode explains why they contradict themselves so fast and furiously when you lock horns with them. Why they are a nervous blur and never hear what you say. Why they don't later recognize your face or remember your name. They aren't paying attention to any of that in a conversation. What you are saying and what they are saying gets tuned out because it doesn't matter to them. Neither does the matter you are discussing. They will say the sky is purple if they think it will draw the reaction from you that they want.

That's a lifetime of 24-7-365 practice at conning and manipulation. Practice makes perfect. So, never, never, never underestimate their powers of con artistry and manipulation. They can and will fool ANYONE.

how to cope with sociopaths ?

Just when you think you've put it ALL behind you, the drama tends to continue... Here is some advice that can help you disengage with this type of person. 

1. Since sociopaths are takers, they tend to be attracted to givers. If you are assertive and can stand up for yourself they wont want to tangle with you. Don't live your life as a doormat, or they will take the invitation to wipe their feet on you.

2. Do your best to avoid them socially. If it is someone that you are in a more intimate relationship with, cut off ties. It sounds harsh, but you have to take care of you and a sociopath will do everything in their power to see that that does not happen.

3. If it is someone you cannot escape such as a family member, limit your contact with them and seek help from a professional in dealing with them. There are various support groups both online and off, find one and participate.

4. Sociopaths thrive on being the center of attention, don't give them that opportunity. It may be your life, but to them it is just a game that they will find a way to win it at all costs. You will lose, so don't willing lose any more than you have to.

5. Sociopaths seek drama, do not give it to them. Conversations will get twisted, action will be misconstrued, and you can bet they will come out looking like the victim. No matter what you do, they will insist that you have violated them in some way, so don't even give them that chance.

6. Don't wait around for a sociopath to experience guilt, shame, or remorse for their actions. It will not happen, they don't see anything wrong with themselves. They may fake emotions for a short time, but will continue the same behaviors.

7. Do not ever give a suspected sociopath access to your money or belongings. If you just met someone who is super charming, and wants your money do not give it to them. You will never see it again. Be on the lookout for those red flags and don't ignore them.

8. Sociopaths often present themselves as experts and work very hard to earn your trust. Before you give anyone your money, check them out. This is especially important online where you can't always get a real feel for them.

9. Don't just accept the references they give you, do a search and find out for yourself if they have any skeletons. 

10. A sociopath is very good at only allowing the world to see what they want them to see. If they present themselves as perfect, never making any mistakes, and are secretive about their past, beware.

11. If you can avoid it, never get into a legal battle with a sociopath. They are accomplished liars, and will have the court eating out of their hand in no time. It will cost you a great deal of time and money, but in the end all it does is further your stress.

12. If you begin to suspect you are dealing with a sociopath and things are getting ugly, document, document, document. Save every bit of correspondence from them, carry a tape recorder, videotape their tantrums. Keep a journal record of all interactions no matter how small, they are admissible in court.

13. Finally, whatever you do, do not try to get even with them. You are playing by a set of rules, they are making up the rules as they go. While you may be a law abiding citizen, they will have no problem breaking the law. While you are bound by conscience, they have none.

"Never wrestle with a pig, you will both get dirty but the pig will like it."

A sociopath can and will destroy your life if you let them, and they will enjoy doing it. The most important thing of all is take care of yourself, do not allow stubbornness or pride to take you in even further. Knowing when to walk away can be your most important tool when dealing with a sociopath. Use it, and live to fight another day.

Dr. M. Stout (Professor at Harvard Medical School) has outlined 13 rules that people should follow to deal most effectively with Psychopaths.

1. Accept that some people literally have no conscience, and that these people do not often look like Charles Manson or a Ferengi bartender. They look like us.

2. In a contest between your instincts and what is implied by the role a person has taken on -- educator, doctor, leader, animal-lover, humanist, parent -- go with your instincts.

3. Whether you want to be or not, you are a constant observer of human behavior, and your unfiltered impressions, though alarming and seemingly outlandish, may well help you out if you will let them. Your best self understands, without being told, that impressive and moral-sounding labels do not bestow conscience on anyone who did not have it to begin with.

4. When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has.

Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy. One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly.

5. Do not give your money, your work, your secrets, or your affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.

6. Question authority. 
Once again -- trust your own instincts and anxieties, especially those concerning people who claim that dominating others, violence, war, or some other violation of your conscience is the grand solution to some problem. Do this even when, or especially when, everyone around you has completely stopped questioning authority. Recite to yourself what Stanley Milgram taught us about obedience. (At least six out of ten people will blindly obey a present, official-looking authority to the bitter end.) The good news is that having social support makes people somewhat more likely to challenge authority. Encourage those around you to question, too.

7. Suspect flattery. 
Compliments are lovely, especially when they are sincere. In contrast, flattery is extreme, and appeals to our egos in unrealistic ways. It is the material of counterfeit charm, and nearly always involves an intent to manipulate. Manipulation through flattery is sometimes innocuous and sometimes sinister. Peek over your massaged ego and remember to suspect flattery. This "flattery rule" applies on an individual basis, and also at the level of groups and even whole nations. Throughout all of human history and to the present, the call to war has included the flattering claim that one's own forces are about to accomplish a victory that will change the world for the better, a triumph that is morally laudable, justified by its humane outcome, unique in human endeavor, righteous, and worthy of enormous gratitude. Since we began to record the human story, all of our major wars have been framed in this way, on all sides of the conflict, and in all languages the adjective most often applied to the word war is the word holy. An argument can easily be made that humanity will have peace when nations of people are at last able to see through this masterful flattery.

8. If necessary, redefine your concept of respect.
Too often, we mistake fear for respect, and the more fearful we are of someone, the more we view him or her as deserving of our respect.

Let us use our big human brains to overpower our animal tendency to bow to predators, so we can disentangle the reflexive confusion of anxiety and awe. In a perfect world, human respect would be an automatic reaction only to those who are strong, kind, and morally courageous. The person who profits from frightening you is not likely to be any of these.

The resolve to keep respect separate from fear is even more crucial for groups and nations. The politician, small or lofty, who menaces the people with frequent reminders of the possibility of crime, violence, or terrorism, and who then uses their magnified fear to gain allegiance is more likely to be a successful con artist than a legitimate leader. This too has been true throughout human history.

9. Do not join the game.
Intrigue is a sociopath's tool. Resist the temptation to compete with a seductive sociopath, to outsmart him, psychoanalyze, or even banter with him. In addition to reducing yourself to his level, you would be distracting yourself from what is really important, which is to protect yourself.

10. The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to avoid him, to refuse any kind of contact or communication.
Psychologists do not usually like to recommend avoidance, but in this case, I make a very deliberate exception. The only truly effective method for dealing with a sociopath you have identified is to disallow him or her from your life altogether. Sociopaths live completely outside of the social contract, and therefore to include them in relationships or other social arrangements is perilous. Begin this exclusion of them in the context of your own relationships and social life. You will not hurt anyone's feelings. Strange as it seems, and though they may try to pretend otherwise, sociopaths do not have any such feelings to hurt.
You may never be able to make your family and friends understand why you are avoiding a particular individual. Sociopathy is surprisingly difficult to see, and harder to explain. Avoid hi/her anyway.

If total avoidance is impossible, make plans to come as close as you can to the goal of total avoidance.

11. Question your tendency to pity too easily.
Respect should be reserved for the kind and the morally courageous. Pity is another socially valuable response, and should be reserved for innocent people who are in genuine pain or who have fallen on misfortune. If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.

Related to this -- I recommend that you severely challenge your need to be polite in absolutely all situations. For normal adults in our culture, being what we think of as "civilized" is like a reflex, and often we find ourselves being automatically decorous even when someone has enraged us, repeatedly lied to us, or figuratively stabbed us in the back. Sociopaths take huge advantage of this automatic courtesy in exploitive situations.

Do not be afraid to be unsmiling and calmly to the point.

12. Do not try to redeem the unredeemable.
Second (third, fourth, and fifth) chances are for people who possess conscience. If you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, know how to swallow hard and cut your losses.

At some point, most of us need to learn the important if disappointing life lesson that, no matter how good our intentions, we cannot control the behavior-- let alone the character structures-- of other people. Learn this fact of human life, and avoid the irony of getting caught up in the same ambition he has-- to control.

If you do not desire control, but instead want to help people, then help only those who truly want to be helped. I think you will find this does not include the person who has no conscience.

The sociopath's behavior is not your fault, not in any way whatsoever. It is also not your mission. Your mission is your own life.

Never agree, out of pity or for any other reason, to help a sociopath conceal his or her true character.

"Please don't tell," often spoken tearfully and with great gnashing of teeth, is the trademark plea of thieves, child abusers-- and sociopaths. Do not listen to this siren-song. Other people deserve to be warned more than sociopaths deserve to have you keep their secrets.

If someone without conscience insists that you "owe" him or her, recall what you are about to read here-- that "You owe me" has been the standard line of sociopaths for thousands of years, quite literally, and is still so. It is what Rasputin told the Empress of Russia. It is what Hannah's father implied to her, after her eye-opening conversation with him at the prison.

We tend to experience "You owe me" as a compelling claim, but it is simply not true. Do not listen. Also, ignore the one that goes, "You are just like me." You are not.

13. Defend your psyche.
Do not allow someone without conscience, or even a string of such people, to convince you that humanity is a failure. Most human beings do possess conscience. Most human beings are able to love.

(Source: Martha Stout - The Sociopath Next Door)

sociopathic characteristics (recap)

Antisocial Personality Disorder results in what is commonly known as a sociopath or psychopath.

This post summarizes again some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths (see also initial chapter)

  • Glibness and Superficial Charm 
  • Manipulative and Conning 
  • They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims. 
  • Grandiose Sense of Self 
  • Feels entitled to certain things as "their right." 
  • Pathological Lying 
  • Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests. 
  • Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt 
  • A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way. 
  • Shallow Emotions 
  • When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises. 
  • Incapacity for Love 
  • Need for Stimulation 
  • Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common. 
  • Callousness/Lack of Empathy 
  • Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. 
  • Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature 
  • Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others. 
  • Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency 
  • Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc. 
  • Irresponsibility/Unreliability 
  • Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed. 
  • Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity 
  • Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts. 
  • Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle 
  • Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively. 
  • Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility 
  • Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

signs & symptoms of emotional abuse

Forms of emotional abuse, can however, be just as damaging as physical abuse. They can include being disrespectful, discourteous, rude, condescending, patronizing, critical, judgemental, "joking" insults, lying, repeatedly "forgetting" promises, sarcasm and agreements, betrayal of trust, "setting you up", and "revising" history.

To outsiders, abusers often appear as decent, successful, sensitive, calm and nondescript.

He may intersperse episodes of abuse with words of love, telling her that she is "the best thing that has ever happened" to him, and that he wants to start treating her that way, confusing her further. She keeps hoping that if she does enough, if she gives enough, he will stop hurting her and the loving, caring side of him will prevail. ... the REALLY successful abusers are highly intelligent and hide their abuse incredibly well. They may have shelves of filled with psychology books; many are well-read and very well spoken. They know how to twist and manipulate language and people. They present an exterior of calm, rational self-control, when in reality, they have no internal control of their own pain and chaotic self-hate, so they try to control others, and drive others to LOSE control.If a [cyberpath] causes YOU to lose control, it proves how healthy HE is, so he can say, explicitly, or implicitly (it's amazing how sighs, and rolling of the eyes can accomplish as much as words), "There you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I'm not the one who needs therapy, *you* are." Unfortunately, if an outsider sees the abuse at all, all they see is an outburst from you, NOT the abuse that triggered it. It may make you feel as if you have had all your lifelines withdrawn, as if you are going crazy, because nobody believes you that this charming, "nice", helpful, successful man could be so incredibly psychologically cruel and deliberately hurtful.

Cyberpaths play the pushme-pull-you game threatening to withdraw their affections, dropping statements out of the blue intended to destabilize. This has the effect of making their partners insecure and uncertain, but that plays right into the abuser's hand as he then can accuse the partner of being "too needy".

An emotional abuser may make fun of his partner, or make subtle or not-so-subtle disparaging remarks about her while with other friends, and encourage the friends to make disparaging remarks.

Emotional abusers overcompensate for their self-hate with a warped kind of narcissism. He lives by the "if you really loved me".

Emotional abusers will remind you of your flaws under the guise of trying to be "helpful" or sensitive.

Emotional abusers will try to isolate you from family and friends. There are several tactics that may be employed. If he can't manipulate your friends, he will either find reasons to denigrate them or will be "uninterested" in doing things with you AND your friends.

Instead of "lying" to a partner, an emotional abuser may "forget" significant promises he made to his partner - especially if forgetting that promise will hurt her.
(was your Cyberpath busy on your birthday? Or no contact when you were sick or having problems and needed the support?)

Emotional abusers expect to be forgiven for their "mistakes" (otherwise known as abuse) but are unable to forgive their partners for legitimate mistakes - and will continue to "punish" their partners for those mistakes, long after apologies and restitution have been made.

Emotional abusers expect their partners to change for them. Unfortunately, the changes the partner makes will never be enough - the abuser will always want more.

The abuser says it's not completely his fault, or she pushes his buttons, or that something she did triggered him to do or say something hurtful or damaging to her.

Emotional reactions in self-defense to an abusive situation do NOT make YOU an "abuser".

As part of this tactic he may pay lip-service to personal responsibility by saying he "takes responsibility" for his actions, but then make no offer to do anything about the resulting emotional pain, or say that there is nothing he can do to repair the damage or make restitution. If she tries to get him to do anything to make restitution he will use the word "blame" as if it is a dirty word, and accuse her of trying to lay "blame" on him for his actions. 

-to bring up stories of childhood/parental abuse (watch these, they are the same old stories each time, and if you listen closely, you may see that his behaviors closely match those childhood abuse patterns...)

-to bring up troubles and things bothering him at work

Emotional abusers often display different personalities to other people in their lives - watch for a completely changed demeanor, behavior, body language and even tone of voice, when they are at work, or with a circle of friends. 

The abuser may claim that this is just different "facets" of his personality, but in fact, it is a warning sign that he puts on different personnas to suit the situation, and you will never know which one is the REAL person. It belies huge insecurities - the way children try to act like the crowd they are with in order to be accepted - and is an indication of the emotional immaturity of the typical abuser.

Emotional abusers, like physical abusers, can be exceedingly charming -that's why it's so hard for the victim of abuse - their friends only see the charming side, and don't see the discourtesy, lies, meanness, condescension and rudeness that happens inside the relationship.

If the victim's female friends are attracted to him at all, he may even try to prey on that, so that if she has a conflict or a problem with him, she doesn't have a close supportive friend to turn to.

Abusers will use things like stories of childhood abuse or trauma, lost friends or the death of relatives to get her friends to feel sorry for him. He will play up the "sensitive guy" role. If he can cozy up to her best friend, the friend will feel caught in the middle - which is exactly what the abuser wants - to cut off his partner from external support. If he can, he may even flirt heavily with her friends, have an affair with one of her friends, or become pals with one or more of her former friends as another way to hurt and attempt to shame her.

Abusers are completely self-centered. They blame other people and seldom take responsibility for their own actions. Abusers are self-righteous.

Emotional abusers hate apologizing.

This is called "projection" - abusers do it all the time. They project THEIR issues onto their partner, and try to make it their partner's problem. They make it sound like the partner's is somehow wrong or attempting to set them up for "blame", for wanting some sign of compassion and remorse, and an indication of willingness to work on the behavior problem.

Abusers may, early in the relationship, in a moment of "opening up", tell you of their abusive or manipulative nature. .... They may even go so far as to say, "I told you this is how I am."

Emotional abusers often grow OLD without growing UP. They are emotionally stunted and immature. Emotional abusers are self-preoccupied, and demonstrate a passive-aggressive interpersonal style.

Emotional abusers deny that they have any problems and/or project their problems onto their partner, often accusing their partners of abuse - especially AFTER the partner has woken up and called the abuser on his behavior. At this point he will be sure to tell as many *mutual* friends as will listen, that she is controlling and abusive to him, in an attempt to further undermine any support she might get.

An emotional abuser demonstrates little capacity to appreciate the perspective of another person when his own interests are at stake. Emotional abusers often flip between being a martyr and a self-absorbed asshole - there is no middle ground, and they use the martyrdom as an excuse for their behavior when they are in self-absorbed a**hole mode.

An emotional abuser sees himself as a blameless victim, and denies his own provocative behavior, even going so far as to bemoan the fact that a partner left him, or threw him out, ...
The emotional abuser will play up the "pathos" in an attempt to garner sympathy, all the while, continuing to (cyber)stalk his ex, making jokes about things he could do to upset her, and invading her personal space and boundaries ...

Like physical abusers, emotional abusers will often stalk their former partners. The stalker's objective is often to control her through cultivating fear rather than making direct or specific threats, or confronting the her. This is a subtle form of terrorism, because abuse victims are often very emotionally (if not physically) afraid of their abusers once they wake up.

Ex-partners of abusers will often express fear of their abuser, and will have no desire to be anywhere near the abuser. On the other hand, the abuser may try to appear as if he is calm, rational, and still supportive of his ex-partner, despite the fact that he will also express the opinion that he believes she is quite unstable.

He will make statements such as saying that he "bears her no ill-will", etc., but then will show no respect for her boundaries ... The abuser will still inquire with friends as to how she is doing, implying that his inquiry is because he cares about her - he does care - about retaining those last vestiges of control, even after the breakup. What he really wants to know is if she is suffering or doing badly, because that feeds his sick ego. He feels best when he puts other people in as much pain as he is in.

People in relationships have conflicts. But there is a right way and a wrong way to resolve them, and no matter what the other person does, no matter what a person's "issues" are, abuse is the wrong way. Emotional cruelty and abuse are choices.

Because the truth of the matter is, someone who can be emotionally cruel, malicious, and compassionless with people who have given him their love and their trust, is so absorbed in self-hate that he is incapable of loving himself, much less anyone else. What the abuser feels is obsession, not love.

Just because he admits his behavior (and WATCH - some abusers are VERY good at acknowledging they did something without apologizing, or admitting there was anything WRONG with the behavior.), does NOT mean he is willing to change it, that he will not repeat the behavior, nor that he even believes he did anything unacceptable, hurtful or wrong. DO NOT take admission of an act as a sign of integrity, acceptance of responsibility, a show of remorse, or an indication of genuine caring, unless you see EXPLICIT behavior that demonstrates it.

(Source: cyberpaths.blogspot.com)

outroducing words

What started as virtual love story in december 2007 turned out to be an illusionary and finally ugly dream when the relationship to Jakob became real. To deal with Jakob Maltese means to deal with pathological lies, betrayals, selfcentered powergames, wrong promises, fake love, fraud, abuse, selfhate, illoyalities, control, wrong cyber personalities, promiscuity, aggressiveness and violence which is covered by a mask of superficial charme, overconfidence, flattery, politeness, grandiose ideas and smooth talks. I have experienced the two faces of him and after all I had to realize that Jakob Maltese shows all characteristics of a sociopath. In the beginning it was interesting to observe and experience a character divergence in opposite to what is considered as the central, the neutral norm. But soon the destructive power of the anti-cyclic developed a self dynamic and lost its poetic fascination. It isn't anarchy what drives him. It isn't love either. But it is our normal understanding of love and the inherent will to give and forgive which he uses very effective to his favour. In fact they are  basic needs he has to cover which he is unable to achieve without help and make him the man he is: a man without conscience, a sociopath, a parasite.

My blog ends here. Thank you for reading. 

So laugh about life's little tragedies and take care of you,

november 2010

Jakob is good and versed with all facets of deception. The obvious and the not so obvious. Threads, insults, arrogance and any other sort of negative behaviour are manipulation strategies which are easy to diagnose. It is not so obvious when he manipulates from the other side and appeals to your logic, belief and heart. But nevertheless he aims for the same: to control his game and to reach his desired effect.

Clearly he realized that I am a problem for him now since I did not stop confronting him with his outstanding duties and kept writing public reminders. He knows best that I know the real stories and the real background of them. Additionally he realized that I have changed. So he takes off his bad mask and suddenly he changes the strategy and turns from Saulus to Paulus. Out of the blue I receive some eMails with very touching excuses and astonishing reflections. Here are some of them written between 11 and 19th november. I have marked his most obvious manipulation manoeuvers since they show best the contrast to the messages he wrote to others in the same time.

"Too tired to write you last night. Just smoked a joint and drank some gin-tonics. Sat at you tube for a while and then i realize that i could not write you without it would be pathetic. 
This morning i am ok and more clear in my head. So i write you.
D, I never spoke/read about how you must have felt..the betrayal you must have felt, the sorrow, the anger after all what you did for me. Don't think i just neglected it. I didn't. I was just not man enough to face the facts.
You did everything for me, hell you even tried to (...), you paid everything, you gave me your heart, your soul and i trashed it. You trusted in me and you must have felt destroyed when the truth came out. That i had betrayed your trust. I imagine you must have felt humiliated. Maybe i would have reacted the same way as you did in your position. I can understand but one year ago i couldn't. Often i have been thinking about how i transformed a soft and truely gentle soul into something that neither of us would recognize two years ago. But i must tell you that you are not lost. The fact that you try to establish some sort of communication (to get the things back, to get your money)..it gives me hope that you still deep inside have the heart you had back then. I never asked you about the last year, how it was for you. But i would like to know.  I think it is time i face the fact and realize what i did to you. So if you one day have time and feel ok to tell me i think i would be good for me to know. We both know it will hurt a lot to read your words but maybe it would be good for you too to put words on what happened with you. To let me face the facts and for you to write about your pain, hurt and anger.

How can i ever say "sorry" to you ? I dont ask for forgiveness or for you to forget what happened but i need to find a way to let you know how much wrong i was, and how i so much need to tell you how sorry i am for all my lies. Writing these messages is not enough..maybe it is a little step in the direction of establish a communication which sooner or later can lead me to what is so much on my heart: to tell you how much i hurted you and how sorry i am for breaking a truely good woman. 

You should know that i'm not trying to sweet-talk you back, D. No matter how much I love you i know what i did never can be justified or ignored.

I just wish i had met you now and not and not back then.

Will it be ok if i send you more mails ? I have to write in small portions because if i don't i will be carried away and that is not what we want or what you need.


To find out why i abused you -and our love- i think i have to look closer at the interaction between my low selfesteem and the fact that i put you up upon a piedestal. Mix those two things together and put in a childish egoistic man...i guess it's a recipe of disaster. No relationship can bare one of the persons being a god or goddess. I know you never wanted it. How you just wanted an equal relationship. And i was unable to step up to be a man..i more and more turned into a spoiled little boy who had so much anger inside because you lived the life i so much wanted to have to. I think i came to envy you. I remember that night where i killed what was left of our innocence, the night i went violent. It is now clear to me why i got drunk and went crazy. You were visiting (...) and i was at home, totally frustrated, totally angry because i clearly felt we were drifting away, that our love would not last forever. What i did can never be excused but what i can do is to try to find answers because no matter how far away i am from your heart today, i still think you need some answers too. On top of my envy, my jealousy, my childish behavoir i think i can put in a another component: sex. I always felt i was inadequate. It was strictly my failure to think like this but i did. This feeling played a part too.

Writing you those things the last couple of days is part a shitty feeling but also very very important because no matter how much it hurts it also give me a feeling that i can breathe a bit more easy now. I know the longing is there again but that i have to deal with and do my best not to speak about it too much in my mails to you.

It is my hope that you somehow can benefit a bit from my writing as well.
The mails to you is not for my sake. But it was a surprising experience to feel that it helped me writing you. In one way it is unfair because if anyone should benefit from our communication it should be you. You were the one who got abused. You were the one who got betrayed. 

I don't believe in angels anymore. I believe in equal relationships.
I wish i had that knowledge back then.


"I tried calling you but no reply. I accept that.
Just know i never would try to hurt you again.
I loved you, I love you and i always will. That's your ace. Forever.
But don't think i need to know how thick your skin is. I will only hurt me.

here is another danish sentence: Du var en smuk drøm. Jeg vil altid elske dig. Og jeg håber vi èn dag...
Sleep well, D."

Look at these messages ! Aren't they warmhearted ? Aren't they mindful ? Aren't they honest ? Aren't they made good ? And more astonishing I even get a parcel with my things included ! I am confused since I never experienced any reliability from Jakob before ! As I am surprised enough and just happy to have my belongings back I allow him to continue writing to me. And he pretends to open the books about his lies and corrects his initial lies. I have marked the most important corrections and still, it is just the thousandst version of a story and many things he writes are still lies. 
I will try to do my best to recall all my stories, half-lies and blatant lies. It makes me nervous to think of your reaction but you have the damn right to know. (...) I think the best thing i can do for us is NOT to speak about my hopes but concentrate on putting the pieces together, finishing the puzzle, so you are not anymore in doubt of what really was truth or lies in our relationship. So i literally speaking take a deep breath and jump in this deep black hole..

I think one of the first questions you will have is: What was the truth about your daughters death? It is like so many other things half lie half true. Yes i had a spanish girlfriend back then. Yes she carried our baby inside of her. In seventh month she lost it. It is true we had her name already planned: B. Years later when I became father we gave her the name B. My daughters mother never knew this story and in one way it is fucking unfair but knowing her as a very kind woman i think she would have accepted the fact. And by fate, she was the one who came up with the name. Maybe i should have told her but i choose not to. So why did I lie ? How could i ever create such a horrible story ? I mixed the two episodes into one (it is true that B wasn't expected to live, that she had heart operations and the first year she was hospitalized 267 days and it is true that her mother was hospitalized..all this while i was under my education)..but to answer my own question: WHY ? I needed so much sympathy, empathy, understanding..i needed a good womans touch and idiot as i was, i thought no one would ever care for me if i told my story straight as it was. Thinking back to myspace/youtube era, i now realize that i was not in a too good mental shape. And when i finally met true love i didnt have the balls to tell the truth. And it is stupid because i know you would have goddam understood. My fault, my loss, my fuck-up. If it any comfort to you you should know that it will always be one of the darkest spots in my soul. No excuse for that one. I did what i did and i have to face it and today i do by writing you these words.

What was the truth about (his ex-wife): I think i told you the truth but i left out one thing. After the cancer i broke down and she offered me to live in her mothers flat (to keep an eye on me because i was still pretty sick and weak). It was nice of her. I thought she had changed after i split and seeked help in Denmark (hospital). Then she asked me late december if i could come and spent the christmas with her and (...). I said yes because i was pretty fed up with living with her mother. She asked me to stay..as friends. It sounded like a good idea. The she turned into the same norvegian monster as she was back then. I didnt dare to tell you that i lived there on her mercy..that is where (...) came into the picture. I am shaking writing all those words to you. I feel so ashamed and sad. Not only because i am a liar but more than anything else because the woman who really loved me: she would have understood the truth. I know that today. I knew it back then too. I was just too fucking scared and tangled up in my own lie.

About the work. Yes i spoke to this guy on the phone and he was actually very interested. But he backed out..and so did I !!!  I don't know what i was thinking of back then. Clearly i couldn't live forever on your money. It was clear for me from the start. And i didnt want that either. But i was scared to get a job which i might not be able to handle. Today things are different. And it helps us squat. I fucked up, abused you, broke what was magic (and Lord knows we were magic at our best)...and the saddest thing about this story is that you would have understood my past if i had been honest and then i probably would have the recourse to get a real fullfilling life with you..on equal terms. Meaning i would have a job, more self-esteem, more self-confident.

I dont know how you say to all this. I think i in your position would have said: fuck you ! 
Maybe i lose the connection to you because of these things i wrote but then i know that at least i was honest in the end.

I don't tell you that i love you or I miss you or I was so so happy to hear your voice because it will brings us nowhere...Just know i tried this time to be honest and real.


His anxiety about the job was obvious always bigger than the need to have that equal relationship he is talking about. No, forget it, it is a lie ! He never cared about to get a job and he was not scared. He was lazy and selfish. Also he is not honest and real in that message either. This message is another scam and just the intelligent version of Jakobs masks because he mixes lies, truths, excusions, blames into one. It is everything but honest and real.
My spanish girlfriend was named (...) (that was her real name)
B's heart had so many failures but one of them was called: Steno-Fallot..and on top of it she had VSD and ASD ..and a lot of other names i cant remeber...you can check it out on wikipedia..i guess it is mentioned there.
After speaking to you i know i can trust you.

Keep asking !


From his ex real friend from denmark who I was/am in contact with I know the name of his daughters disease. It is different from everything what Jakob is mentioning in this message. 

"B. is born in 08.10 98.
I left school after 1 and a half year at the gymnasium.
After school i was I sewed dresses and other things. Then i worked with teenage troubled kids. Then i worked in a bar/hotel, Then i worked at a computer education company (teaching)..and..and..
I share a house in Ärhus. The colours on my wall was correct...so was my books. But i left to be taken care of by  (...)s mother. It was a huge mistake.
I had a red cat called Ulrike yes. She gave birth to six small kittens."

Lies or truth ? Or both ?

A couple of days later I remind him on the first rate of money he promised to pay me back as well since I realize that he is flirting and doesn't watch the line as I have demanded from him. He even makes me talk to him on the phone again and I don't like it. His voice sound wrong and what he says are inappropriate things which have nothing to do with my real life. The moment I ask for more reality (here: the money issue) he backs off in his usual way:

"About the money: This month is impossible. Totally. It was my first salery and i had to give some people money back. Next month i can send you money back but not so much. It is december and i earn under 1000 euro a month. I do my best to pay all i can until i get a better job. I seriously hope it will not upset you."

It was not his first salary as I find out later. But "under 300 euro" a month would have been more correct. Therefore he had no possibility to ever pay something. To give the impression that he would anyway and to lie about it because he lost sense for reality is not ok. It is manipulation.

After that message I know he will never change and that he is still the same character as he always was. I am glad to be confirmed. I decide to finish the episode now since I have the things and that's alright. I disconnect him from everything again and that's it. I thought. Another couple of days later, it is end of november, I get a message from a woman via facebook. She writes that she was the one who has sent the package and that Jakob told her to send it without correct senders address. Since she felt bad about it she wanted to excuse. We decide to talk and what we find out is just another chapter of Jakobs book of lies & games. Jakob told me in the first messages of november that he had "a short affair" in summer for about three weeks which he broke up. Now, she tells me that she is his current girlfriend since may/june and they never broke up anything. But she does then. And so it goes on. I bring the bad news to her and she tells me that he meanwhile made a sort of a monster out of me as he did with his ex-wife. He used the same lies, just replaced the name. I would have destroyed his life, would have financially ruined him etc. etc. He even tells people he worked in "my" company. Too funny.

Here are some eMails Jakob wrote to her. Please compare them with the messages he wrote to me.

"Am 28.10.2010 09:10, schrieb Jakob Maltese:
> Thanks darling.
> Yes i saw a message from (...) this morning...about the same shit.
> What the hell, D (my ex) wrote people i had killed my daughter !!
> You know what ? I dont care about this crazy internet anymore. People 
> can write all the shit they want to..i am not gonna react.
> It just makes me think how people sometimes doesnt have any decency.
> I love you, M."

I never wrote to anyone that Jakob had killed his daughter. I asked "if he is still telling people that his daughter died ?" This is different from what he makes out of it and the truth. Next old strategy: make your "enemy" look like she is crazy. And at the end of the message Jakob judges about decency.  Well...

And I was right with my assumption because when I am in contact with his current girlfriend (now also ex !) she tells me that Jakob meanwhile even have invented a third daughter !!!! read this message which Jakob wrote to her:

"10. Juni 
So sorry for the late reply.  So sorry for the the "missing comment" on my page. I deleted it bacause i dont want people to know where i am going to or do. I am back in the little german village again.Copenhagen was sad. Too many memories about Alma (my daughter). I dont feel like i want to speak to anyone today. I know it is not fair to you. But i just feel like escaping into the internet, watching music videos..forgetting my bad conscience for not calling you, forgetting Copenhagen and the life which seems to always fuck up all my plans. I miss you, i want to cry at your shoulder. I want to hold you close and just cry with you. And i am scared about you and i. Scared that you when you meet me will regeret. So many feelings for you... Jakob."
He has no daughther named Alma to my knowledge. And the daughter he has does not live in Copenhagen.

-------- Original-Nachricht --------
Betreff:Re: :-D
Datum:Thu, 4 Nov 2010 12:14:41 +0100
Von:Jakob Maltese 
You are so sweet, my darling. Thank you for sending the parcel to my fucked up ex
I take a mozarella-salat, Tagliatelle Tonno and a Tiramisu.
A bottle of Tignanello would do wonders...or maybe two bottles.
I love my new address at the pizza service cologne :-)
And much more: I love you. J.
The fucked up ex is me.  Just read the messages he wrote to me again further above. The meaning of them are completely different and it is now very obvious what he tries to reach and how he does it. He just want one thing: to separate me from his new targets. And so he twists the words as he exactly needs them. But, and that is important, it is only transparent since the whole (!!) picture is available ! Therefore again: Listen to people !! 
So it's true. Jakob has not changed. And he never will. It's just the way it is.
prognosis for sociopaths:
Look at the internet, read books and you will always find the same answer:
A sociopath can not be healed ! It's sad but true. They will never change. Never.
They have no heart, no empathy, no dignity and a
ll they will give you are lies. 
Jakob will NEVER change !
So don't get sentimental on him, don't feel pity for him, don't try to help him and don't try to compete with him. You can't win !
Cut your losses & Get out !