Dezember 30, 2010

may 2009

It crashs again in may. I had taken him back into the apartment and after a week also back into bed. I am so sure he would make it this time and he would just gladly work on his new project, this concept for the webpage. It is not a big deal for someone with just little IT experience and even non professionals can do it. But the result is: zero. In my despair I have set him a deadline for this concept and when the deadline comes the desk is empty. This time I throw him out. And in my rage and anger I for the first time abuse his faith. He had given me his myspace password as proof of innocence. Now I use it to look into his account and what I find confirms my surmise. He always is clever enough to delete all traitorous traces but since I had suddenly thrown him out some of them were left. I find messages to several women in which he asks for phone conversations and I find messages with secretly delivered love songs and just flirt messages the way he did back to me and does to everyone. And blames me at the same time in these messages that I am doing wrong to him. Just february he had violated me, had taken my money in march, and the apartment too, got by me on all concerts he brags with, had never moved his arse, used my love. Jakob does what a real sociopath does, he plays innocent when he keeps talking and writing text messages to his new and old players, tells them that I am kind of nuts, blames me (I found the text messages later on that phone) and tells me at the same time the fairytale from the big sinner. I have enough of his betrayals, his evident stupidity,his parasitic life, his abuses and dumb arrogance and look forward to the day he takes the train to germany. One day later I receive the following message:

Be angry at what happend between you and I. But dont be angry and don't feel sad about what will happen. Before i tell you what will happen i will clear my conscience, tell you everything which has happend the last couple of months.
After checking out from the room 8th of march i couldn't find anywhere to go. I asked at the office if they had a room available again, but they told me they hadn't. So i had to stay at the hotel and hope an available room would come up. But it didn't. So i had to stay at the hotel. Being there i did all i could to search for a job. I wrote so many applications and i spoke to so many places if they had a job but it was all negative.

Things happend between us and I felt even more lost. Not because of you but because I missed and loved you so much. So many things I would like to tell you but i didn't dare because those few moments we had together were so precious and necessary to me.
But I would have told you how i have lived before, how i tried everything and nothing at the same time. How i felt so jealous and so lost looking at your life, the life i wanted to give you and that life i know you would love but not knowing how to give it to you. I would have told you that i never ever really drove a car except for one time and how embarrassed it made me feel. I would have told you how i always wanted to drive a car but at the same time was so afraid of making a fool out of myself because I really doesn't know how to drive one, and because i am afraid it gives me flashback when my father nearly killed himself in a car accident. I would have told you about my motorcycle (MZ) and later how i drove a little Kawasaki but without any driver license.
I would have told you how much I needed friends and how i lost them all. And i would have told you about my situation right now.
The last week has been horror and i believe it hasnt been easier for you too. But i will give you an update.
The last week i have done nothing but falling apart. Falling apart because i remember your words about "why can't you do this for me"..but i couldnt D. I couldn't because i didn't had the self confidence to show you. Viewing the result made me not feel good. It made me feel so worthless. I am not good at creating internet pages...i never learned it, i had to teach myself. And all i could think of after walking out that night was how much anger and especially pain you must have felt.
D. this cant go on. I know i love you and i have something to tell you: (.....)
The things with myspace and (...) Yes, I called her last night. Maybe it was wrong but i felt so lost. We never flirted and when we spoke on the phone we spoke about the german monster and i told her how much i love you. What i needed last night was just a voice. A voice which i could talk to instead of running around insane in the night. I swear that was all. I just needed to tell someone about my pain and my love for you.
My life here has fallen apart. In every way. I owe the hotel maybe twelvehundred swiss francs, i havent paid the bus ticket, i think i owe the doctor too. I dont want you mixed up in this, I dont want you to feel embarrassed knowing me, i dont want you to sacrifice everything for a man who you had given so many chances.
D. my only, my first, my true love: i think z. is the end of the road for me. Dont be sad, but be angry. I know i cant live without you because everyday hurts so much and i know you cant live with me. what is left is just in a peaceful way leaving life. There is no drama about it.
Today i will drink and write you a handwritten letter. I will write all my sins but also how much i loved you from the first minute. And i will write you one more mail.
I will always love you.
Beyond the lie about the death of his daughter this message is probably equally malicious. Blackmailing with suicide is pathetic behaviour on the lowest level. To think about commiting suicide is surely a result of  deepest despaired thoughts a person has to struggle with and normally the last possibilty or try to express emotional dolor. It is a scream for attention and a scream for help. But someone who has wether emotions nor empathy uses this tool for one thing only: Manipulation of the worst kind. It is a scream for selfish needs (financial help, taking care of him, paying his debts etc.). The scream of a parasite. Nothing else. It shows that Jakob has no respect to no one and no limits when it is about his own needs. 

He writes "I wrote so many applications and i spoke to so many places if they had a job but it was all negative." That is flagrantly lied as many other things in this message. He has an extra email account for applications.  Those messages have not been deleted and what to be find is: one application. And a negative response. Both made in october. Since then, nothing. 

I could say so much more about every little detail in this message but I think and trust it speaks for itself. It teems with manipulations. All in all one of the most pathetic messages. If there are questions left, just ask or comment.

When I receive this message I instantly leave work and try to call him. He doesnt pick up the phone and panic escalates. Finally he does and nothing has happend to him. In fact, he doesn't suffer at all nor does my concern affect him. Rage meets relieve. As always he tries to justify and trivialise everything. His cheats, his attempt of corrupting me with the announced suicide, his promises. He plays the "love of my life" song with the usual tears and useless promises to change.

Then he leaves to germany.

I get daily updates from the friend he stays with now. They sound okay and I breathe again  for a couple of days. Soon is his birthday and I decide to surprise him with a spontaneous visit. The day before I travel to him he creates one of his trouble scenarios where he insults me on the phone so badly that I am about to cancel the trip. But the ticket is bought and so I sit in the train the other day. I arrive in germany, the friend picks me up and we go to her apartment. I am very happy to see him but his reaction is a surpise. He seems rather disturbed than delighted. The whole visit is a strange thing. Behind the friends back he talks annoyingly bad about her, laughs about her and complains about everything. I ask him what about his preparation for the job and he swears it just takes a couple of days more that he is ready because he wants to escape from this place as soon as possible. The friend and me try to make his birthday the best we can and Jakob and I spend the last love days together. He brings me to the train when I have to leave and we cry and hug'n kiss each other goodbye with the promise to see us soon when he has started the new job or when he has left for another place. It's the last time I see him.

april 2009

Soon he is knocking at my door again. His hard work on me wasn't for less so I take him in again, for over the day only and under the condition that if he still doesnt find a job he goes back to denmark to find something. It seems easier for him to get a job there, also because of the language. Still I have no idea about the truth behind all job promises from Jakob. So far he keeps successfully the illusion of a Jakob with the absolute will and effort to do everything to take responsibility now, take care of job search, being my man. There is no indication for any other plans or any behaviour , or whatsoever could direct to it. After all what happened everyone would get suspicious when he comes with a new promise but when you are caught in, you don't. As soons as he spends time in my apartment he also uses the computer regularly again. Officially for job search and when the job search is over and done I have no problem with him using it for myspace again. But I realize that he starts flirting again the same way as it was when we met on myspace and I just ignored the other profiles. This time I watch his comments and don't accept the lame excusions. 
"You know I just do her a favour." 
"She just asked me to help her to make another friend on her profile upset." 
"She is just a friend."
"It's just meant in a friendly way."
"She loves music."
That are some typical phrases he uses and they haven't changed much to my knowledge. And when he is telling me that he speaks about exactly the same kind of love songs he posted me back then. So, if he does it to everyone it doesn't mean anything. To no one. The comments from some new friends on his page get pretty fast flirtatious and kisses fly through the virtual air as if they want to set a new world record. Of course I ask but again it is all harmless he says and does badtalk about his virtual friends to calm me down. He gets in contact with an old myspace friend who was indeed just a friend and not an affair. And one day he tells me that this friend has offered him a job in germany. I am perplex. But it seems true since I call the friend and get confirmation from her that Jakob has an IT job there in a befriended company if he just wants to. Jakob tells her something about the situation of our relationship and as a result she offers that Jakob could stay with her for the time until he is ready to start that job.
I gladly agree and buy him the train ticket to her place in germany. Until he leaves I tell him to use the time to prepare for the job. Buy him the IT books he needs and try to help him otherwise. I suggest he could create  a new website for that company. He promises to do so as he told me it won't be a problem. Good, i think, and wait if he passes the "test". Again there are so many discussions where he tries to run away from this or to avoid to speak about it, it is more than irreal how he strugggles to twist everything he ever said or promised. But I don't let him out and want to see what he can. 
She and me does not now at this point that Jakob does not have the abilities and never had the abilities to fulfill the requirements of any IT job. But the longer he "prepares" for the job the more obvious it gets. We later find out that also his "preparation" is a deception because long after the relationship is over I find one of the IT books which I bought him very well hidden behind my bookshelf and in another IT book which he pretended to read there were exactly three pages marked (which he read again and again and again...) the rest of the 300 pages were untouched.
(see also previous chapter "conditions for mind control")

Dezember 25, 2010

march 2009

When I am in Berlin he sends me countless text messages with always the same content: love testimonies, statements of shame about his guilty feelings and expressions of hope for a further common future. It is actually the same pattern as on myspace just on another level. He creates trouble, causes pain, rage or other negative feelings in his counterpart just to excuse instantly after and to negate the feelings he just caused. A push-and-pull strategy and nothing else as a game with emotions. Back then it works so effective that I not only provide him then an own room in an apartment so that he doesn't have to live in the hotel anymore (and I don't have to pay the expensive daily rates anymore) but I also borrow him money again what he gladly accepts without hesitation but with the promise to pay it back. What I don't know at this time is that he never has applied to any company while he was in Z. except one time. But my motifs for giving and loving base on his promises and his acting and telling that he would be that serious, responsible, loving man.  It is so convincing that I don't doubt for a second he really wants to change. It seems only to be a matter of short time. And he tells me now since september or october now that he applies. That are around six months. Switzerland has only an unemployment rate of about 4% so something should be possible ! According to his words he is "so close !!!" to get something. Because he really tries e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. 
I never have met any person who is so afraid of work as Jakob. In all the time I never expected him to have a great fabulous job but just any job. It was about equalness and self esteem and stabilization and other things which are important for a relationship but as the liar and parasite he is he never worked and never took care of it. 

So with the money I gave him he is independent and I hope i can find some peaceful moments for myself. But they are not. He wants to talk to me everyday or he writes letters to my work or he wants to see me. Everything because he wants to get me back. It's not that I broke up with him I just need air to breathe. But there really isn't. I get about twenty text messages everyday and there is not one day where he doesn't involve me in new verbal conflicts, where he tries to blame me for my part in it, where he complaints about the room I am paying for him, where he freaks out when we talk, where he controls me or where he begs for love or just cigarettes. Here some more text messages from that time:

"Do you have a  skype account or not ?"

"I asked you because whe i installed skype on your computer (because of (...)) i saw some accounts."
I did not know and did not use skype back then, so this message was just for controlling me if I could find out what he does I think. And later I find out that he gave himself the representative username "slutpuppy65" when he used my computer for skyping.

"I'm sorry i ever doubted your words. I'm sorry i mistrusted you being on the internet alone. And I'm sorry for behaving so jealous back then. Please forgive me."
That tells a lot about himself, speaking of: projection !

"You are so so special and the way you turn me on is unbelievable. I love you forever. I want you more ever. Now. Tomorrow. Forever. Sleep well my dream woman, my sexual fantasy, my angel, my d."
At the same time in march (and forthcoming months) when he writes me these lovely words he cheats with about ten other women behind my back. 
Copy - paste.

"My d. It was wonderful to kiss and to feel you again. To touch you and to feel you will always makes me shiver and feel like the most lucky man in the world. And i am the most lucky man in the world. d.+j. Always."
see previous comment

"Since you don't care to pick up the fucking phone i don't know if this msg is being reed. But i can tell you that i only wanted to hear how your day was."
No, he only wanted to control.

"How the fucking bloody hell do you fucking think it makes me feel ? Do you think it is piece of cake for me? I don't even know where the fuck i can stay. (...)"
Afraid of losing the money source.
The constant use of the word "fuck" is nothing else as a distraction from the underlying motif.

"Darling, i think i made a wrong thing. There was so much noise in the apartment that i took the bus to your place. I did that without asking you first but it was not out of bad will, i simply was me not thinking we have a whole other situation these days.  I made a cup of coffee but i don't sniff around or doing anything to harm your privacy. If you feel better with me not being here, then just txt me and i leave instantly and without any bad feelings. You should know this is the very first time i go to your apartment. Your j."
But he did harm my privacy ! With everything he writes here. The real reason was surely that he did some checks or calls on my computer. It is not consideration what he does, it is harm and selfish.

"D., i know you are busy. I just want to tell you how much i love you. What you have done for me is more than i have ever experienced before-all the years put together. How you made me want you and you made me feel when you kiss and touch me is more than anything else i have ever felt. I love you. Everything about you is magic. You are magic. My beloved d. my baby. my woman, my everlasting love. I hope i forever will be your j."
I can just repeat the comment:

At the same time he writes me these lovely words he cheats with about ten other women behind my back. 
Copy - paste.

The most important thing in Jakobs world seems to be a computer. Many text messages or talks with him in that and all other times were about internet, network pages, profiles, comments and so on. It seems without the virtual existences Jakob is nothing. The part of Jakob in this relationship was pretty dominated from his knowledge, interest and actions he took in the internet which it was never meant to be. But no matter what I tried he was never interested in reality. He avoids any confrontations where he is about to lose his masks.

The room he is living in runs out by middle of march and since he still has no job he needs a new place to stay. He tells me that his apartment neighbor has offered a place for him. Fine.
A couple of days later he invites me to a hotel in the city (from the money I borrowed him...) and once again he wants to steal the sun from heaven for me. It's the everlasting loop of wishing and wanting and not being able to take the step into reality. My money for the invitation is still my money and a deception of the truth. A helpless but somehow also weird-nice gesture. 

When it comes to money, presents or other support in any way, Jakob has no scruple to take it. Nor will you hear a "thank you." He does what it takes to get it. Be it to pretend love, to make sex or to give you promises he never is able to keep. He just does it and it means nothing. It is like a job for him. The two words he utilizes most are "love" and "fuck". The overuse of them is not a genuine expression of a feeling but an instrument to manipulate you. The stronger a word the more someone reacts on it. "Love" and "fuck" both are very strong and manipulative words which influence the ends of our emotional poles. The positive and the negative.  Jakob uses them to reach his goals. Additionally, the frequent use of them works like brainwashing. This strategy is also known from sects.
Conditions for mind control:
Psychologist Margaret Singer described in her book "Cults in our Midst" six conditions, which would, she says, create an atmosphere where thought reform is possible. Singer sees no need for physical coercion.

-- controlling a persons time and environment, leaving no time for thought

-- creating a sense of powerlessness, fear and dependency

-- manipulating rewards and punishments to suppress former social behavior

-- manipulating rewards and punishments to elicit the desired behavior

-- creating a closed system of logic which makes dissenters feel as if something was wrong with them 

-- keeping recruits unaware about any agenda to control or change them (comments like: "I would never hurt you, I would never lie to you, I can't believe you think I am lying/ using you...." etc) 

Dezember 22, 2010

february 2009

February starts as january has ends. I am going to work every day while Jakob stays home, takes care of cleaning the apartment now and then, takes care of applications and spends the rest of the day with internet and waiting for me to come home. When I am home he wants my full attention and if I try to spend time with someone else he finds a way to express how less he appreciates it. If he feels that discussions pressure him he is going for a walk and refuses any talk which touches responsibilities. He doesn't care how I feel about it and if it causes me any pain. He just leaves. And often enough I run after him to get him back or to get the chance to end a talk. One time I find him hided in the attic, his face full of shame and I just take him in my arms and tell him to come back. He promises and promises. The bright future, the work, the man he wants to be for me. It feels like an eternal loop. 

It breaks in a february night.
I spend an evening without Jakob and alone with my friend. It is a nice evening with easy talks, laughter and smoking weed. I am relaxed and happy when I come home and I want to share my good feelings with Jakob. I open the door and when he turns to me to talk to me I realize that he is drunk. 
"How was your evening, Darling ?" he asks and accentuates the last word sarcastic.
"Fine." I smile at him still filled with the good emotion.
"So ? Fine for you !" he remarks sarcastic again. "What did you do ?"
I realize his tone and try to be careful what I say: "Just talking and smoking a bit, nothing special."
"What did you smoke ?" his eyes look envy.
"A bit weed."
He pauses for a moment and I can see traces of rage start forming around his mouth before he continues:
"Nice. Why did you never take weed with me ?"
"You never told me you want some." I try to be logical. But that just provokes him even more.
"With me you never take weed, hm ? Why not ???" he asks again ignoring my remark, his voice gets louder..
"If you want weed than just get it." I tell him.
"With me you don't smoke, hm ? But with your frrrrieeennnnnd, hm ?." he speaks it out as if my friend and I would do something secretly behind his back and rolls the word slowly in his mouth. 
"No." i say and just look at him. 
"What is it with you and your friennnndddd ?" his voice gets cold.
"What do you mean ?"
"You and your friieeennnndddd...what is it ? Come, tell me."
"Come tell me. No problem."
"There is nothing. We had a nice evening."
"Maybe I should call your friennnnndddd and ask her what you do, hm ??? Maybe she will tell me."
"Why do you want to call her ?"
"She is such a bitch."
"What ????"
"I will tell her what bitch she is. Give me the number."
"No !!!!"
"But no problem, Daaaaling, I just talk to her. You talk to her all day. Why can I not talk to her ? Come Daaaaling, just a little word to your friiiennnnndddd." he says in disgusting wrong tone.
I try to calm him down and say. "OK just  do. She will not listen anyway." But it doesn't work.
He is about to take the telephone and starts to call her number what is no option for me. I think it is enough when he spoils my evening but not hers as well. I am so angry meanwhile about his behaviour that I tell him: "Just do it. Do you want me to call your brother instead ? "
"YOU WILL NOT CALL MY BROTHER !" he screams suddenly direct in my face, grabs my head and pulls my hair with such a sudden violent move that tears come to my eyes from the pain and I start screaming to stop hurting me.
"Don't call my brother. Did you understand ? Don't dare to ever call my brother !!" he hisses "He is the only one I have. You will not take him away from me !!!! " and he pulls my hair gain. This time more violent than the first time. "Did you understand ?"
"Yes. Let my hair, let my hair, let my hair."
He keeps his fingers firmly around my hair.
"Never ever. It is MY brother !" with every word he pulls my hair harder and I cry.
He hisses and is drunk and I don't forget his cold voice when he starts bashing me:
"You are not better than all the other woman. You are like the monster. I am good enough for cleaning, yes ??? For cleaning your fucking apartment, yes ????" and he pulls me two steps through the apartment.
"I never made you clean." I say halfscreaming.
"Oh yes, you did. You are like the monster." another pull.
I scream louder, try to push him away and finally he lets my hair go. He looks at me and my tears.
"You are just a cunt." he says.
I am mute and  stare at him. 
"You're a fucking cunt."
"I am not." I say as quiet as I can.
"You know what I will do when I am out here ?"
"No. What ?"
"I will fuck every woman I can get. Really deep and good. And there are many, y'know... " 
"Ok, have fun." is the last ironic remark I get over my lips.
"You're such a failure." he says.
I get up and want to escape. Just escape from him, from the situation, from the wreckage and everything he has just destroyed.
"No !" he screams. "You stay !!"
I stumble into the bedroom but he follows me and screams at me. On the bed he tries to keep me down with his weight and his hands and suddenly I have his fingers around my neck. He starts to press. I scream as loud as I can. He puts just more pressure on his fingers and I can't breathe. Panic, panic, screams. His ugly antic over me. Close. I struggle to get away from him but he keeps pressing and pressing and I see the hate in his eyes. i don't know who this is in his eyes but I am so scared that I just scream. And then I give suddenly up. Until today I don't know why but from one second to another I get totally quiet and calm inside. I don't care anymore what happens. I don't care if I might die. I think I just accept that there is some sort of higher order and it feels alright. What I remember is this clarity inside when I look at him and say: "Just do it."
I don't know if it was my voice or the words or my look but from one second to another he lets go. I get instantly up and he follows again but I just grab my things and run out of the apartment. He wants to follow too but is too drunk to run. I hear smashing noises and hear him scream, then take the car and try to drive away. I can't cause I shake allover. I call my friend instead and she wants to sent men to get him out. I don't know what to do. I don't want strangers to hurt him.  I don't want him in jail. I can't think anymore. But then I go back. My apartment is smashed. He lays on the floor halfnaked. "I am such a loser." he cries and can't stop saying it. I put him to bed, pull the blanket over him and lay next to him. When he grabs after me to put my hand around his cock, tells me to suck him and tries to kiss me I leave to sit on the floor the rest of the night.
"Good morning darling." he says the next morning, with a cup of coffee in his hand. It's a saturday. His face is calm and normal as ever. I sit and watch him how he drinks his coffee and how he stirs the sugar and how he lights his morning cigarette then. I don't know what I am waiting for. A word of excuse. Or maybe only for a sign that tells me he knows what has happen. "What are we doing today, darling ?" he asks after a while and takes a zip of his coffee.
"I want you to go." I say quietly.
He cries when he packs the few things.

I am not able to throw him out for good. He has nowhere to go and I feel responsible for him. And yes, I love him like crazy against all reasons. It's wrong but the network of feelings and dependencies is not easy to cut. I want him away from my place, I need time to breathe and get myself together again so I bring him to a hotel that he has a room for a couple of nights. And now he swears to heaven that nothing else matters to him anymore as to gain back my love and to bring back innocence in my life and our future and to have a real life together. He asks me if I could provide him also a cellphone because he wants to call for all the open job interviews and applications right away. I give him this chance and he gets the phone. A bad idea. I will soon go to Berlin again and for the time I am in Berlin I allow him to go back to my apartment. Later I find out that he calls some woman in the states the night before I leave to Berlin while I am laying in the bed next door and sleep. It's only a week since he violated me and promised longlife love and responsibility again. But as I find out later it is in fact just the start of another bunch of cheats. And he will generously use my cellphone for it. To me he gives the penitent sinner as his best role ever. Some of the text messages I receive from him:

"I miss your love too, d. I want to be what i told you i was, not just words or intentions or mean words. I love everything about you."

"Darling, i want us to survive. I miss you like i did when i was in norway and you was so far away."

"I want our innocence back and i know it is up to me."

"Please know how much i feel for you, how much i love you, how much i know i hurted you. I will always love you."

"I want one day tell you about things which make me the monster i am. But it will never change that i loved you, that i love you, that i always will love you."

"One thing i forgot: please don't close down. And i promise you to treat you with respect and love."

"You don't understand. I am not in denial. I realise what i did and said. And it was so awfully wrong."

"I am afraid tonight. Because I love you. Because what we had was so innocent, so fine, so right...and now our innocence is lost. And i wonder if we are too. You told me it is not death of me to lose you. But i feel it is. I hurted you so badly, so wrongly. Sorry is never gonna make it right, my actions will...if i have time. i love you, d."

"I dream of you, d. Do you know that ? In dream begin responsibility.."

"I pictured the rainbow/you held it in your hands. This is how i feel about us. It makes me so ashamed...will you ever understand,d ? I hope not."

I do.

january 2009

The happiness from the last days in december ends abrupt. Within the first week of january he tells me that the company has cancelled the job offer. When I ask for the reasons he stays rather unclear and mutters that they have given the job to someone else. That is something I don't accept because I know the paragraphs which say that even a verbal confirmation is legally binding. So I tell him to insist on the offer and have a talk to them. According to Jakob he does but without result. When I offer my help and tell him "let me talk to them" he is vehement against it and doesn't do any further. It is so obvious that something was wrong with that manoeuvre and that he used me for just another week to escape from promises which he never was willing to fulfill that I fall into a state of despair. In a clear second I know that even the absolutest moment of screaming happiness and all my love and my maximum of giving will never be enough to ever satisfied his greed to hurt people, to hurt me, to hurt himself. I just know it won't change and I spend days after days of thinking how to handle it and to find a solution for me. I know I have to go but I can't. Feelings are not facts.  It's an non sufferable thought of longing and wanting him and not to give up a dream. 

Since a while my body rebels with a signifcant symptom. Vertigo. It gets worse and one night I need to see the emergency doctor with symptoms of a heartattack. You are healthy, says the doctor but the symptoms stay.

I think Jakob feels the same sadness in this time but pretty sure for other reasons. He keeps telling me that he applies on and on and that meanwhile he has nearly eighty applications out. I am glad to hear that but I am reluctant with hope. So I let him do what he does and that is surfing in the internet. It is still for fun and the fun turns into some nasty games when he starts to badtalk and stalk old affairs. He has bad ideas how to disturb them, how to trouble them and I even help him sometimes. I don't know if it is because he closed all other accesses. I tried many things to give him a good start into what is called a real life.  But like a child it seems that the only level he is willing to participate and take action are all kind of games and convenient pleasures. Maybe it is also the frustration about him which searches for exits.  Or the brilliant ability from Jakob to let you see monsters where are none. I don't know and it doesn't matter.  I got my part in it and it feels sort of me & Jakob against the rest of the world. As everything it is an illusion. 

The appointment for our tattoo has come and there is not a second of a doubt that I want to have it. Jakob of course is keen on it for his own reasons (which might be found in a shortterm belief of snakeskin leatherjacket romance or just as tribute for a couple of more careless months where he has a bed to sleep and can live on others cost). So he got my "d." and I got his "j.". Whatever the reasons have been for doing it and however the meaning of it has changed and however Jakob has changed the stories about it now, it stays a symbol for a great dream, which failed. No regrets.

Sometimes we go out with a friend of mine which he knows meanwhile a little bit. It's the friend he will later accuse me I have a lesbian affair with (no, I didn't) but at this time he gives actually the impression that he finds her pretty attractive and that he doesn't mind going out together. Jakob has a blooming fantasy and all the things he tells later have never taken place except that he might have been jealous that I have friends. And no matter what sexual preferences someone has, it is not on him to judge them. Let everyone have, it's great !!

Dezember 21, 2010

december 2008

So the state in december is that he is sitting home all day while I go to work. That he tries to find a job without result. That he spends time more in the internet than in reality. That he lied and lies to me beyond everything I ever would have accepted from anyone else.  That he has created an atmosphere of mistrust. That he gladly takes my money and other presents. That he confrontates me with his rage and pathological behaviour and forces me to consider his feelings at the same time. That he plays the helpless little boy. That he shows arrogance against others. That he is nasty and mean to me and expects a caring woman at the same time. That he constantly tries to provoke me to emotional outbursts just with the result that he can use it against me in the next argue.  And overall he shows an attitude as if all the things he uses and gets are for granted and as if he has every goddamn right to get them. Fact is, he has no rights on anything. He doesnt own anything. He doesnt work. He doesnt help. He is not even able to the smallest genuine emotional contribution. My brain already tells me that I should throw him out but his stories and pity cards pay still off and above all, hell, I love him ! I love him so much that I am completely blind against the things he destroys. And there are other  things which make it yet impossible for me. Hope is one factor. The imagination and his promises that the job and the common and happy future with him is just so close, just one second away keeps me in the game of hope. I just don't want to give up what seems so close to reach. Then his ability to create moments of all-consuming love is another strong part of it. They are more often than I might have express it in the blog so far but they exist and indeed it is a magic about them and they catapult us back to where all started. For those special moments I forgive lies, nasty insults, verbal attacks again and again. Too much. What works as the third pilar is our sex. I haven't written about it  in this blog and will not do it since it goes too far. But to understand Jakobs methods and how he strangles women back into his traps it can't be excluded. Sex is a strong instrument in a relationship with Jakob. If not the strongest ! He admires and wants me all around the clock. That never stops, nor our mutual desire. As in all other things he doesnt have limits in sex either.  Be it in reality or in fantasy. And of course it's exciting and fun and let forget time and reality too. It takes quite an amount of our time and in this time we feel always close and nothing but love. Meanwhile the issues he has with his body are also gone. Next to it he tells me some strange stories about the scars he wears, but today I think they were no exceptions from his lies. Taken the mix of all together it feels as every day is a constant walk between the very extremes. Yes, every day. Every goddamn single day. And slowly I am driving crazy. It starts to affect my work, my friendships and most of all my health. Still I don't take care of it.

From all destructive methods in a relationship to lie is probably the worst since it shakes everything. The words which are spoken after a lie get another meaning when they are the same. And even new words won't be taken that serious anymore. All beauty of words gets devaluated by a lie. And at the end words are just an empty shell. And so feels the soul when it is spiked with lies over and over.

Jakob is telling a lot of bullshit. And he is trying hard to follow his own stories. But it doesn't always work. Sometimes his lie is so obvious that even a blind and deaf knows that he cheats. And still there are cases where he insists on his lies that you don't  know if he is tragic, funny or just sick. One day he tells me he had a medical appointment arranged for taking blood samples and I should take him there. I do and call then the doctor later that day to tell him where to send their bill. The nurse on the phone is completely surprised and tells me that Mr. Maltese has no appointment that day. In the evening I ask Jakob how his appointment was. 
"Ok", he says, "they have taken the blood sample." 
"Show me."
And he shows me his arm where I can clearly see there is no injection and no plaster cast. 
"I don't see anything." i tell him. "Where did they make the puncture ?"
"Yes !!!!!" he shouts instantly. "Here !!!!!"  and points to the clean arm. 
"Aha", I say," but you didn't have an appointment. You haven't been there at all. I called the doctor you stop that."
Then he yells at me: " Why did you call ?"
"Because of the damn bill !" I scream back.
"So it's your fault when you call." he says. 
It is simply absurdIn fact, I think he was in some hotel in the city that day because I found some clear indications for that. Whoever he met there it surely was not the doctor.

I am attending a Xmas party in germany and when I come back I find out he uses my computer to watch pornos. This is a mans world..., however, but I don't like he uses my computer for it and I don't like his ridiculous explanation. He sells it as a strange form of proof that he is not porn-addicted because he wanted to find out if he is, or something like that. Errhhh, what ??

By beginning or middle of december he gives me great news. "Darling, I get a job !" I hardly can't believe it and I am totally excited. He tells me he had a successful job interview and they want to have him. It is an IT company in Z. and the job sounds great. The job starts by beginning of january and future seems like heaven now. "They will send the job contract before christmas !" he tells me and we spend a great careless time. Shortly before christmas the contract has not arrived yet and I get concerned. They will send it he assures me, don't worry. But by christmas the contract is not there. Though I am inviting him to a short trip in the hope of having the contract in the letter box when we return. We have beautiful days and spending happy nights. New year is there and it could be all perfect when we come home. But it isn't. 
Much later I find out that he cheated on me at this time already. He does it the "usual" way. Calling women behind my back, declaring love to them and so on. I don't know why he is doing it because there is no reason for except boredom perhaps or the "pressure" he feels to take on just normal responsibility. But he did never do anything to escape his own boredom by either finding work nor following my suggestion to spend more time outside or by finding friends in real life, so how absurd and consciousless can it be ? It seems so senseless. I dont know about his cheat because absolutely nothing has changed in his behaviour towards me. There is not the slightest trace of a hint that something is going on. He is charming as always, horny as always, funny as always etc. absolutely the same in everything. In contrary we are more happy and close than ever. 

Dezember 20, 2010

november 2008

Myspace is not the real world. It is a virtual world in which your value is measured by the place in a toplist or the number of friends you have. Those things are, different from the real world, easy to reach in the virtual cosmos because the next friend is just a click away. But friends have a different meaning in the virtual world. They don't come to you when you need a hand on your shoulder to comfort you but they can deliver the illusion of it. By words or by voice. Though, there is always a local distance between virtual friends. The same way as the most friends are halfreal the attention you get out of it is too. It doesnt mean anything when you have hundreds of myspace friends which you never met or never even talked to and brings noone anywhere. But of course there are the lucky cases when people find each other over the internet and it turns out to be the big love or the friendship of the century. In general virtual relations of any kind develop pretty fast since the internet creates a more intimate atmosphere as a meeting in a cafe could do. Words are the initial key to people on internet platforms or chatrooms. What changes the focus to inner values instead to the famous first impression in real life. The other advantage is the possibility just to close a profile and vanish when things go wrong.  Who knows if the username was the real name ? Who knows if the profile picture is true ? It's on everyone how to use myspace or other internet platforms . They can be used in a good way but they also can easily misused for cheats and frauds and whatever. Jakob uses the internet platforms very clever to his favour and always for the same reasons: to approach people, especially to approach women and to play with them in order to gain satisfaction out of his intrigues. I assume it is a way for him to feel power and get attention. Something he doesn't have in reality. The games he plays in the internet are safe for him because he is too far away located from his victims to be in real danger when he is caught in trouble. He always has several affairs at the same time ongoing and they all follow the same scheme:  making feel women fall in love with him, using them for virtual sex, telling every affair the same: that she is the only one and all others don't mean anything to him. Of course that is wrong but effective since most of us are flattered when someone makes us feel special. Sooner or later everyone realizes that something is wrong with Jakobs stories. Or that he has several other virtual affairs. That's the point when either the affairs step back and then Jakob just deletes the "friend" or the affair is already too much caught in his manipulation and Jakob keeps going the game with her and drives her slowly nuts with always the same lame lies and deceptions. Jakob might be an internet hero but in reality he is a very insecure person with selfish needs who runs away from every responsibilty. He can just not compete with his virtual image.  Reality checks are too challenging for him and therefor it is no wonder that he prefers the safe  and cosy realms of the internet.

When we go back on myspace in november he promises me to use it only for having a bit fun with me and to provoke some friends from the myspace past. I don't mind and it's kind of fun for a while. But once he is back he seems to get lost in it again. Its too much time he spends there and it distracts him from the important things. Whenever I come home he sits in front of the computer doing myspace or youtube. It seems he does it all day. His complete careless ignorance of reality is not only disturbing anymore. He not even take attempts to get real. When I talk to him about it he just ignores it as well and provokes me with sarcastic remarks instead until I lose it and break up the talk or yell at him. I get really annoyed because I finally want him to find a job. It is important for several reasons. Not only that I want him to have a real social life it is also an economical question and a matter of respect. Who is he that he sits around all day doing nothing and get served ? What about the equalness we agreed on ? What about his part ? I don't know what he has expected but money doesn't fall from heaven, I need to work hard for it and one salary for two persons in expensive switzerland is not enough. When I ask him if he knows what I earn each month he says: I don't want to know. Fact is, I lose money every month and so it becomes more and more a necessarity that I need also his economical support. The laws in switzerland are very strict. Without work you are not entitled to receive financial help from the governemt nor are you actually entitled to stay in the country. Which means Jakob urgently needs work. So he starts to tell me every day when I come home from my work that he applied to several companies and that some of them have replied and are about to invite him to a job interview. He prefers to apply to IT companies since this is what he can do best and what he has worked in the past with, he says. That are great news and so it goes the entire month. Beyond the discussions and problems which are feeded from his temper there are surely the good things too. It's the good stories we have together and the exciting moments what makes it hard to let him go. One day we decide that we want to let us make a tattoo. Since months he is telling me that he wants so badly to wear my signature on his arm or the fish I once used as profile picture. In the end we agree that we will wear each others handwritten first letter of our first names between the fingers of our left hand as sign of our love and as a promise. So, we get an appointment for january. 
Strategies of Jakob in the internet:
- often contacts people by talking about music (Lou Reed, Nick Cave, Steve Earle, Rainer, Green On Red, Son Volt, 16 Horsepower, Madrugada, Sophia, Ramones,....that kind of stuff)
- posting music videos with secretly hints (lyrics)
- posting movie videos with secretly hints (movie scenes with special content)
- writing love poems (A. Akhmatova, P. Neruda ...)
- makes clever comments
- appears adventurous
- flattering people
- later love bombing
- always charming and funny in the beginning (compliments)
- makes people feel pity about him (lies about the death of his daughter, giving a pityful picture about his sickness, talking about a bad childhood)
- gives impression of an adventurous life
- sends very fast sex driven messages (explicit sexual fantasies)
- asks for phone conversation very fast 
- asks for eMail adresses very fast as well
- closes his current profiles spontaneous when his games are causing too much trouble for him 
- opens easily and fast new profiles, and invites the "good" player from old games again to the new profiles. the "bad" player (means: those who can see through his games) are out.

See also chapter "pseudonyms & aliases". All listed profiles are currently closed to my knowledge. But there will be new ones. Watch out !

other computer related:
Jakob has set up probably a bunch of eMail addresses as he did in the past. He uses them mainly to create new profiles. 
He will clearly use the internet behind your back for his needs. (cheats, games, pornos etc.)
He will try to hide his internet activities and erase all traces.
He will also try to keep you away from his saved data files and protect all his savings with passwords even those he declares as harmless. It's everyones right to do so. Just in the context with the knowledge about his lies and behaviour it creates another area of mistrust.
In contrary he will demand openess from you and will try to control your computer activities wherever he can. If you don't agree he will accuse you of internet abuse.