july 2008, pt.1

In norway we met as those who we wanted to be for each other and we both believed that we could transform these days into the real world. Nothing could shake my inner certainty about us for a long time. Not his games, not his lies, not his ongoing virtual or real affairs. As some sort of second truth I believed in our promises we had given each other in intimacy.


"Desire is the only energy."*, writes Blixa Bargeld and it is true.
Jakob asks me to call him now nearly every evening at a certain number which belongs to a phonebooth in the city where he still lives. One night he isn't there but a Gustav picks up and tells me that noone is around except him. I consider the absurdity of the scene even more when he asks me why my boyfriend doesn't call me from home. Well, how can I explain...
Everytime Jakob and I speak he delivers now worse pictures from the place he stays. I get worried and tell him to get away from it since it seems slightly dangerous according to his descriptions when he talks about the madness of his "ex"wife. He promises to get a new passport in order to go back to denmark as soon as possible. A few days later he comes up with the idea to book a flight directly to me, to Z., instead of first going back to denmark. We talked so many times about a life together that I don't mind to give it a try. What worse could happen as he would just go back to denmark if it doesn't work ? He has an appartment there, can easily find an IT job again, has support from local friends, family and seems old enough to be able to deal with such situation. So I say happily yes and look forward to his message with the arrival dates. Instead I get a desperate phonecall from him the other night in which he tells me that he had to sleep at the railway station and that she, his "ex"wife, had drew out all money from his account because she wants to destroy him. He would be flat broken and would need to sleep at the railway station until he finds something else where he could stay over. I am worried but also suspicious. When I keep asking about details he tells me he doesn't want to talk about it because he would be so angry and ashamed about her. Next thing he tells me is that the only possibility to help us (!) and to meet again would be if I would buy that damn ticket. I remember my mixed emotions in that moment. The wishing and wanting but also the hesitation and doubts. It's a decision in a split second. I buy him a flight ticket for the next day and await him at the airport. He arrives with a small bag which containes mainly some t-shirts and other clothes. That's it.


baby...are you alright ?
I am so sorry for the missing communication bu things has been so busy here.
I am preparing to move and there's a lot of things i have to do.
I went to the police to get a new passport and they promised me to make one as quick as they can so i dont have to wait.
There's something i have to ask you about and please give me your honest answer, not something out of politeness. Baby, how will you feel if i as soon as i get my passport book a flight to Z.? I know i should probably concentrate on finding a more permanent place in denmark (at least for the next couple of months or so) but i miss you so much i cant eat, drink or do anything.
Will you consider it ?
Is it possible for you to call me tonight at 22.00 ? I hate to ask you but since i havent get my hands on my creditcard yet i really need to ask you.
(...)
D. i think the days we had together where the happiest days in my life. I know things could have been better, more easy but i want you to know that the days we spent will always be unique to me (...)


I don't know the exact circumstances of his last days in Norway but I can imagine that Jakob was under pressure due to the cheat and needed to find a way to escape. Whenever Jakob gets involved in conflicts he runs away. In that situation I was the perfect and consequent solution. In this message he creates a bad conscious and intensifies the pressure on me by using terms which make me feel sorry for him ("...i miss you so much i can't eat, drink or do anything."). And finally he adds the sweet strategy ("...happiest days in my life") which completes the pressure on me. First the actual demand then the gift wrap paper.The strategies are more or less always the same. You just need to know them.
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OK, so i went to the danish consulat and asked for the passport. It's not ready yet they told me. They blame it to the danish authorities. So i have decided to call them later today and ask why i havent recieved my passport yet. (...)
I am not in good mood today, baby. I feel fucked and trapped and i feel angry.
How simple can it be...all i want is to come home and be with you. It is not much to ask for.
I dont care if she keps my stuff...yes i will miss my leather jacket and my boots and it would have been nice to have the laptop but really ... i prefere to see you instead of waiting for her to get herself together and give me the things.
Speaking about a leatherjacket...i can't live without one. So if you by accident see a cool one (and it is fine if it is second hand).. please remember the name and the location of the boutique. (...)
I love you so much.
I love the feeling of us together.
and i miss you so so much.


He abandons things generous which he doesn't own. That's quite pathologic.
Well, he can't live without a leather jacket. But who pays for it ?
Noticeable in his messages again are the combinations of his hidden demands/wishes always followed by love statements.
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Small irritations are there from the very beginning.
I remember when I came home from work just the second day after his arrival and realize that a bank note on my shelf has disappeared. "I needed to buy cigarettes." he says and hands me the rest.
Later in july I take him for a ride to the jazzfestival in montreux. The babyshambles play, we break into that luxury hotel, sharing some more secret adventures and just follow love, lust and whatever. Back home we know how it feels to be perfectly happy. Our return to z. is followed by a start into daily life. I go to work, convinced that Jakob will take care about finding a job and getting his remaining stuff to switzerland. He tells me that it won't be a big issue since a friend of him will come to visit us soon and bring Jakobs things. Perfect !
D.
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*
Desire
desire
comes out of chaos
desire
desire
is the only energy
my desire
my addiction
desire
is the only energy
(Addicted to Desire, Blixa Bargeld)