october 2008

What I want is a real Jakob and in october he tries to fullfil the promises he gave me in september. Every step in that direction is accompanied by a lot of discussions, resistances, verbal outbursts and it takes endless patience from my side to deal with it.  It is time consuming and fully concentrated on him. The preparation for a talk takes hours or sometimes days for him. To take action in little things takes up to weeks. But at least he tries something.


The first thing he tries to repair is the destroyed relationship to his family. He gives me insights about the constellations. Now he also tells me the astonishing circumstances of his birth and why he was actually true by telling me that he is the youngest brother. Yes he says, my brother and me are born at the same day but I was actually a month (?) younger than my brother when my  mother gave birth to us. I am highly surprised. How can that be ? He explains that she was a rare case of having two different pregnancies at the same time. She got pregnant with me when she was already pregnant with my brother. Aha, i never heard of that, I say. Intense swearing combined with the look he uses when he gets serious is his reaction. Now i should say: when he plays serious...Another strategy of Jakob is to rush you through the talk so that you don't have time to think about what he just told you. It comes later to your mind again and leaves you with questions but then the talk is already gone. So he tells me about his brothers in more details. Their characteristics, how they have developed their own life and how they dealt with the difficult home situation, especially with the cruel mother. He tells me that his mother tried to drown his twin brother when he was a kid and I am totally shocked. But he was lucky, Jakob says, because he was sent to a boarding school and was away from her while I had to stay with her and couldn't go. Jakob tells that his parents moved a lot when he was young because of the job of his father. How many times ? i ask him. About 17 times, he says. I can about imagine what it means to a child to experience constant uncertainty and being surrounded by a coldhearted atmosphere at the same time. Slowly I start to make my peace with him again because I appreciate his openess to me and feel sort of honored that he shares details about his life. Today I cannot assess to which degree Jakob expanded the stories about his parents and his childhood because the lies he gives you are by and by seeding a general mistrust in you in everything he is telling you. There is surely a true part in all his stories but you never know which part exactly it is. It's a good guess to take half of the stories serious. Maybe less. I don't know. His ambition is to win your heart and with your heart he wins your believe in his stories. And vice versa.
I am a little bit impressed as he tries to reach out for his brothers again and starts to call them regularly despite the difficult relation between them. One day he receives a real letter from his father which makes him very happy and so am I.


Next to his family he introduces five or six friends to me. He gives me their names and a short description about how they met. He says that he wants to get back in contact with all of them again to show me that he didn't lie. I have friends, he once said and I never doubt that until I had contact to his wife in july where she told me the opposite. He searches for these friends in the internet and writes their numbers down when he finds them. He is then in contact with one of them (the one who should bring his things from denmark) and tries hard to contact another one. The rest is a dead end. In fact it is true what his wife told me because the only one he had contact to in that time wrote me later that he did not really considers Jakob as a friend. He told me as well that there were never talks about him coming to Z. to bring his stuff cause he doesn't have any. Today they don't have contact at all.


The question about his marriage is still an open question and I want to know what he wants to do. Of course I want to have a divorce, he says, it's easy to do that in denmark and doesn't cost much. I don't force him to do that but to my surprise he sends the request to denmark. A couple of weeks later he is divorced. When the divorce letter arrives he doesn't show any emotional reaction. I ask him because ten years are a long time and must have left some traces. I don't care, he says and throws the letter aside. Once he wrote me that the marriage was just done for a certain purpose and without feelings from his side. So I don't ask any further. Today I have kind of the same situation with him as he more or less denies previous 
feelings for me and so on. It just shows that he is a cold calculating person with no empathy for anyone. As soon as people are not useful anymore or get "dangerous" for him they don't exist for him anymore and he distorts the truth ruthless to his favour.


The birth certificate arrives. And it confrontates me with another truth I didn't want to believe when his wife informed me about it. His birth name is not Maltese. He is born as Jakob Dalgaard. He admits that but never tells me details why he decided to change his name. More or less he puts "a huge argue with his mother and insulting reaction from her" in the bowl for that. It always provokes him to the limits to talk about his mother and he gets furious as soon as we start to talk about her. Nearly everytime I tell him not to talk to me in this uncontrolled aggressive way. It doesn't work and turns more and more into a power game of him. Screams, insults and other verbal outbursts are always followed by instant excuses and put you on an emotional wire.


The last thing he provides is finally a paper which states his education. It is an official paper from a technical college and confirms indeed that he took classes and passed tests in information technology. To see the paper calms me down and gives hope again that there is still  a basis for a real life. A job seems not out of reach. And once he is at work he also starts to have a social life I think. Because staying home and doing nothing except cleaning makes him nuts, he says. I wonder why he just doesn't go out but that is not an option without you, he says. I don't accept that and so discussions start again. It's truly a fight with him cause he produces so many contradicitons in himself that it feels kind of senseless in the end to talk about just normal things.


Friends who are visiting me are getting more rare since he gives the impression that he doesn't like it when he has to share me with others. It goes beyond the usual. I remember when a friend was visiting me and stayed overnight for a couple of days. It was a catastrophe. Jakob sabotated nearly every kind of activity and hardly talks to my friend and runs away when he is alone with my friend just for a second. He clearly has a problem with that and I try to understand it in the beginning. In the end there is no other chance to deal with it as staying alone with him at home, not to invite people anymore and going to visit friends at their places instead.


I guess it must have been in october when he wants to go back to myspace. Just for fun. I say okay and go back as well but that is not the best idea.
D.
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The relationship to Jakob is always ambivalent. 
His ability to present his lies as authentic stories, even they might sound unbelievable, make it hard to see through when you are directly involved with him. The absurdity of his lies are only obvious with a distance to him. What he uses to give the impression that the stories are true are 
- the surprise factor because you don't count with such stories and you don't count with big lies. Lies are normally made within commonly accepted limits, mostly as little deceptions in  daily life. Big lies as Jakob uses are lies we are just not used to and don't expect that someone ever would go that far. 
- the pace factor because he rushs you through the lies that you don't have the time to think about the just said. If you start to remember the contradiciton he has already changed the subject and tries to make a fool out of you if you bring up the question at a later point.
- the ambivalence you feel about him. He uses it to his favour and twists questions against yourself. If that doesnt work he intensifies the ambivalence by getting very rude in his comments and behaviour towards you. 
- by using accompanying gestures. When Jakob tells you a lie he often uses strong gestures or is getting loud to put more weight on his words. It works because lies and gestures are a unit. He doesn't make mistakes that way. 
- by persist on his lies. Even you have caught him clearly with a lie he will still tell you that the lie is the truth.
So, deep inside you know something is wrong and more and more it receives a selfdynamic which you can't hardly escape from. He fucks your mind the best he can.
It's even more difficult to escape and to get in distance since he ALWAYS keeps telling you about the love he feels for you. But this is a lie too.


The isolation he provokes works slowly. In the beginning there are little compromises to do him a favour or consider his feelings. Later you get tired of the fights with him about it and you take more compromises. The spiral goes more and more down and in worst case it can end that way that no one is around you anymore except Jakob. Be careful and don't give up your social life !