august 2008

The fact that he is still married is a surprise to himself. He says. 


"But how could I know ? I was in the hospital deadsick and she handed me some papers. I thought I am divorced. But then it must have been just the separation papers." is his explanation. I look at him and don't say anything. My mind pictures him as he is laying in a white bed in a hospital and I wonder if deadsick also means deadbrained. I just know he is still married and I keep wondering why he just never told me. It wouldn't have been a big issue if they lived openly separated. Mrs. Keep Wondering and me will become close companions in the following months. It's a fine line Jakob walks with his stories. Close at the abyss to the obvious but far enough that one can't look into it. There is this known philosophical question if two people see the same colour when they look at the same object, for instance a car what is described as red coloured. Do both people see the same ? Do they both see and understand red as the same colour ? When listening to stories from Jakob I see the stories in the same way as he does for a long time. I see what he sees. I see what he makes me see with his stories. So, he didn't know he was still married. Alright, if he says so.


We talk about future plans and it is agreed between us that Jakob definately wants to try to get a job in Z. He tells me that he has educated in IT and has worked for several IT companies in the past. I am glad to hear that and suggest him to get him properly dressed for upcoming job interviews. It's alright with him since it seems just to be a matter of time to get a job. IT people are needed and wanted. He looks really good with his new clothes.


We often spend now time telling each other more stories from our lives. I hear deatials about his sickness and I feel truly sorry for him what he went through with it. I am sure it was a very hard time and I want him to be happy as a reciprocal justice. The sickness he had is something he still is in need to get medicine for. I want him to see the doctor but it is difficult to convince him to go. 


A beautiful summer wants harmony in everything. It is augusts soft order and we willingly obey with small trips to here and there. In Locarno is a lovely piazza, around the corner a clear lake and then we go to Berlin for a couple of days. I know the city and a few people. The other evening is a concert we go together. And I am more than happy when I meet some befriended musicians by accident. "Let's meet my man." I tell them and want to introduce Jakob. But he isn't there. I look around and find him finally sitting on the floor. 
"Darling, I want you to meet some people."
"No." he mutters.
"Why not ?"
"No."
I don't get a better answer with the fifth try so I give up and we go back to our hotel. I realize that he seems to feel uneasy in others people company. My mother tells me the other day that he never looks people in the eyes. "You must be wrong." I laugh "He looks in my eyes." 
"Yes" she says quietly and smiles in order to signalize peace.


Back in Z, I want him to start finding a job but I know that he is still waiting for his papers and stuff to come from denmark, the arrival of his friend has been delayed so he just sits around and cleans the apartment or does other things in the household. "Do not !" I tell him since he always complained that he was "used" by his wife to clean their apartment. "Do not !" I tell him very clearly. "I don't want that." He keeps doing it anyway. I don't like it but I am happy when I come home and find him relaxed. 


He has developed what seems to become a ritual. There are little notes he starts to write me nearly every morning and evening. Love notes and lullaby notes and sometimes question notes and wish notes and erotic notes too and yes notes and bored notes and shopping notes and phony notes and later many excuse notes and more lie notes.
No notes anymore !
Thank you,
D.
__________________________________
Always keep in mind that I paid for everything from the very beginning to the very end.
Jakobs clothes, travel costs, food, phone bills, cigarettes, books, restaurants, concerts, cinema, medicaments etc. etc.
Don't make the same mistake, watch your money !
He is in need for medical tests but refuses very often to see a doctor the same time.

Today I assume he just wants to keep the chance to use his sickness as another agent of pity.

examples for his notes (pay attention to the different fonts he uses)