may 2009

It crashs again in may. I had taken him back into the apartment and after a week also back into bed. I am so sure he would make it this time and he would just gladly work on his new project, this concept for the webpage. It is not a big deal for someone with just little IT experience and even non professionals can do it. But the result is: zero. In my despair I have set him a deadline for this concept and when the deadline comes the desk is empty. This time I throw him out. And in my rage and anger I for the first time abuse his faith. He had given me his myspace password as proof of innocence. Now I use it to look into his account and what I find confirms my surmise. He always is clever enough to delete all traitorous traces but since I had suddenly thrown him out some of them were left. I find messages to several women in which he asks for phone conversations and I find messages with secretly delivered love songs and just flirt messages the way he did back to me and does to everyone. And blames me at the same time in these messages that I am doing wrong to him. Just february he had violated me, had taken my money in march, and the apartment too, got by me on all concerts he brags with, had never moved his arse, used my love. Jakob does what a real sociopath does, he plays innocent when he keeps talking and writing text messages to his new and old players, tells them that I am kind of nuts, blames me (I found the text messages later on that phone) and tells me at the same time the fairytale from the big sinner. I have enough of his betrayals, his evident stupidity,his parasitic life, his abuses and dumb arrogance and look forward to the day he takes the train to germany. One day later I receive the following message:


"D. 
Be angry at what happend between you and I. But dont be angry and don't feel sad about what will happen. Before i tell you what will happen i will clear my conscience, tell you everything which has happend the last couple of months.
After checking out from the room 8th of march i couldn't find anywhere to go. I asked at the office if they had a room available again, but they told me they hadn't. So i had to stay at the hotel and hope an available room would come up. But it didn't. So i had to stay at the hotel. Being there i did all i could to search for a job. I wrote so many applications and i spoke to so many places if they had a job but it was all negative.


Things happend between us and I felt even more lost. Not because of you but because I missed and loved you so much. So many things I would like to tell you but i didn't dare because those few moments we had together were so precious and necessary to me.
But I would have told you how i have lived before, how i tried everything and nothing at the same time. How i felt so jealous and so lost looking at your life, the life i wanted to give you and that life i know you would love but not knowing how to give it to you. I would have told you that i never ever really drove a car except for one time and how embarrassed it made me feel. I would have told you how i always wanted to drive a car but at the same time was so afraid of making a fool out of myself because I really doesn't know how to drive one, and because i am afraid it gives me flashback when my father nearly killed himself in a car accident. I would have told you about my motorcycle (MZ) and later how i drove a little Kawasaki but without any driver license.
I would have told you how much I needed friends and how i lost them all. And i would have told you about my situation right now.
The last week has been horror and i believe it hasnt been easier for you too. But i will give you an update.
The last week i have done nothing but falling apart. Falling apart because i remember your words about "why can't you do this for me"..but i couldnt D. I couldn't because i didn't had the self confidence to show you. Viewing the result made me not feel good. It made me feel so worthless. I am not good at creating internet pages...i never learned it, i had to teach myself. And all i could think of after walking out that night was how much anger and especially pain you must have felt.
D. this cant go on. I know i love you and i have something to tell you: (.....)
The things with myspace and (...) Yes, I called her last night. Maybe it was wrong but i felt so lost. We never flirted and when we spoke on the phone we spoke about the german monster and i told her how much i love you. What i needed last night was just a voice. A voice which i could talk to instead of running around insane in the night. I swear that was all. I just needed to tell someone about my pain and my love for you.
My life here has fallen apart. In every way. I owe the hotel maybe twelvehundred swiss francs, i havent paid the bus ticket, i think i owe the doctor too. I dont want you mixed up in this, I dont want you to feel embarrassed knowing me, i dont want you to sacrifice everything for a man who you had given so many chances.
D. my only, my first, my true love: i think z. is the end of the road for me. Dont be sad, but be angry. I know i cant live without you because everyday hurts so much and i know you cant live with me. what is left is just in a peaceful way leaving life. There is no drama about it.
Today i will drink and write you a handwritten letter. I will write all my sins but also how much i loved you from the first minute. And i will write you one more mail.
I will always love you.
always.
because...
j."
Beyond the lie about the death of his daughter this message is probably equally malicious. Blackmailing with suicide is pathetic behaviour on the lowest level. To think about commiting suicide is surely a result of  deepest despaired thoughts a person has to struggle with and normally the last possibilty or try to express emotional dolor. It is a scream for attention and a scream for help. But someone who has wether emotions nor empathy uses this tool for one thing only: Manipulation of the worst kind. It is a scream for selfish needs (financial help, taking care of him, paying his debts etc.). The scream of a parasite. Nothing else. It shows that Jakob has no respect to no one and no limits when it is about his own needs. 


He writes "I wrote so many applications and i spoke to so many places if they had a job but it was all negative." That is flagrantly lied as many other things in this message. He has an extra email account for applications.  Those messages have not been deleted and what to be find is: one application. And a negative response. Both made in october. Since then, nothing. 


I could say so much more about every little detail in this message but I think and trust it speaks for itself. It teems with manipulations. All in all one of the most pathetic messages. If there are questions left, just ask or comment.


When I receive this message I instantly leave work and try to call him. He doesnt pick up the phone and panic escalates. Finally he does and nothing has happend to him. In fact, he doesn't suffer at all nor does my concern affect him. Rage meets relieve. As always he tries to justify and trivialise everything. His cheats, his attempt of corrupting me with the announced suicide, his promises. He plays the "love of my life" song with the usual tears and useless promises to change.


Then he leaves to germany.


I get daily updates from the friend he stays with now. They sound okay and I breathe again  for a couple of days. Soon is his birthday and I decide to surprise him with a spontaneous visit. The day before I travel to him he creates one of his trouble scenarios where he insults me on the phone so badly that I am about to cancel the trip. But the ticket is bought and so I sit in the train the other day. I arrive in germany, the friend picks me up and we go to her apartment. I am very happy to see him but his reaction is a surpise. He seems rather disturbed than delighted. The whole visit is a strange thing. Behind the friends back he talks annoyingly bad about her, laughs about her and complains about everything. I ask him what about his preparation for the job and he swears it just takes a couple of days more that he is ready because he wants to escape from this place as soon as possible. The friend and me try to make his birthday the best we can and Jakob and I spend the last love days together. He brings me to the train when I have to leave and we cry and hug'n kiss each other goodbye with the promise to see us soon when he has started the new job or when he has left for another place. It's the last time I see him.
D.