february 2008, pt.2

Within these days I receive a first message with an explicit sex fantasy*. By accepting these lines I cut off the wire to past reason. But I don't care. I don't care at all because (virtual) love and sex with him feels like the perfect combination. There is room for dreams and plans and feelings and adventures of all kind. Sparkling, thrilling, breathless, I am constantly running on adrenalin. There is this big smile on my face what tells me and others clearly what's going on: I feel happy ! Every happiness offers a ride to the abyss . But this is not important in february 2008.

Dear D.

How can i explain the feelings your message gave me ?

I read it and read it and then i printed it to paper and brought it with me to bed. You write so good about your feelings, your emotions..i find it difficult to sit down and write my inner feelings for you. Not becuase i am scared but because i really dont have words for how you make me feel. I logged on two and a half hour ago and till now i have tried and tried to write you. But it doesn't come out the right way. you would laugh if you knew how many times today i have deleted whole messages before i got the chance to send them to you. ( i just deleted a lot again now). D, in a way it is very simple: i can't stop thinking about you. Yes, yes, yes, i am in love with you and it really doesn't make sense cause we have never met, but in a way it makes perfectly sense nevertheless. What we have together is tender, warm and caring. And because we dont rush into something immediately it feels very special..like it should be. I know every part of me is reaching out for you, want you here and now..is longing so much to meet you, to hold you, to kiss you, but at the same time everything we do seems like it is the right thing, right way to do things.

I sometimes feel like i am too slow, sending too many old movies..that you might find me boring or not fast enough, but to me this is our way of communicating, our way of doing things...

yours

Jakob.

_______________________________________

no objections.

for me this not a internet affair.

you are very real to me. as my feelings are very real to me too.

_______________________________________

i just shouted it!!!!

and the cat ran and hide.

my voice, my voice!

i can't stop smiling, can't stop my heart from beating fast.

I

AM

IN

LOVE

WITH

YOU !

_____________________________________

CLOTHES

I think i went too far when i went shopping last week. I found some really good things to less than one fourth of the normal price. The first thing i bought was a pair of blue and very cool D&G denim jeans (my arse looks so good in those jeans)i paid 100 euro and normal price was 350. Then i accidently fell over a pair of Paul Smith biker boots..very very cool. I only had to pay 300 euro where the normal price was close to 800 euro. Finally i bought a pair of Burberry jeans..you know, the classic thing with squares and stripes. i would like to have bought more but i had to think about my economy.

much much much more a little later...time for me to make a cup of coffee.

_______________________________________

i will leave you a number.

i will go but a phone card today (should have done it long time ago).

just to recieve a text message from you will make me happy.

i kiss you.

and hold you.

and i won't let go.

_______________________________________

I wish i could sit and listen to you. Just sit and look at you, listen to your words. for hours. then i would make us some dinner and then i would like you to continue keep telling me things.

________________________________________

again: i feel the same.

i will go buy that phone card today. We can start sending text messages....then we can decide when it is the right time to call.

Don't feel you have to rush into things...i can wait a long long long time for you. And i do. Simply because i can't and won't stop my feelings for you.

do you think i should go buy that phonecard now...then sending you the number ?

do you know how happy i would feel to read a goodnight text message from you ???

__________________________________________

so, now i have bought a phone card...and it doesn't work. I sent a mail to the phone companyand hope i will get an answer soon.

___________________________________________

you dont have to wait for me.

you have me if you want.

if you need time i will wait for you.

all i can think of is you.

finding you...

_____________________________________________

i just got a message from the phone company. They want me to come down to their office with my mobile phone before they close tonight.

i will write you a message on myspace as soon as i have the phone fixed.

i feel so close to you.

i am longing for you. to hear you. to see you. to touch you. to taste you. to make love to you.

______________________________________________

Dearest D...

My phone still isn't working. So i guess i will have to find a new provider today. Cause i so much want to recieve a text message from you.

_____________________________________________

believe me, i really really want to come and take you now.

my fault or not, i can't stop thinking of you. i want us to be romantic, i want us to be sweet, i want us rough and raw, i want us to be tender, i want us to be flirtatious, i want us to be naughty, i want us. and i want us now. and that is good. and bad because we are so far away from each other.

______________________________________________

yes i promise to make "our" come true.

you and me. ours.

nothing will give me greater pleasure than to make us come true.

so i will.

______________________________________________

what you want to see is what you will see.

the whole me.

the selfconfident me.

the shy me.

the protective me.

the smiling me.

the romantic me.

the laughing me.

the funny me.

the gentle me.

the caring me.

the strong me.

the soft me.

the boy inside me.

the man inside me.

the lover inside me.

me and the attraction i feel for you.

and the love.

me.

i am sure there is alot of things inside me for you to discover..it's for you to find out. if you like...

_____________________________________

mindreader ! i was about to ask you if i should go get a new number (again) now ?

i dont like the idea of not being able to being in contact with you (although i of course could -and no doubt, will) re-read ALL your old messages.

______________________________________

they told me it will take three days !

i have to ask you:

is it possible for you to leave me your number.

i might -MIGHT- be able to loan a phone a put a pay card in it and then i can text you.

i promise i wont call you.

i promise to only send you text messages.

i miss you so.

_______________________________________

i bought a new pay card for the telephone yesterday and they told me it will take three days before it will work..but i can (and will) try to get my hands on a phone..i know people who have some old ones laying around.

_______________________________________

Of course I realize that he seems to have a strange problem to get a cellphone but his explanations deliver good reasons to make me think that it might be more difficult in Norway. Different strokes for different folks, or ?
D.
* will not be published
_______________________________________________________________
wishful thinking:

I know every part of me is reaching out for you, want you here and now..is longing so much to meet you, to hold you, to kiss you,

I wish i could sit and listen to you.

You will very often read about Jakobs wishes. Wishes, dreams and great plans are the opener to your subconscious. Projections !

what you want to see is what you will see.

the whole me.

the selfconfident me.

the shy me.

the protective me.

the smiling me.

the romantic me.

the laughing me.

the funny me.

the gentle me.

the caring me.

the strong me.

the soft me.

the boy inside me.

the man inside me.

the lover inside me.

me and the attraction i feel for you.

and the love.

me.

Interesting description ! He doesn't write "what you see is what you get". He writes "what you WANT to see is what you WILL see." And for once, he is right. The descriptions fit perfectly into a wishful thinking. Projections !

The truth can be better described as:
the parts of me I want you to see.
the dominant me.
the insecure me.
the illoyal me.
the smiling me.
the romantic me.
the laughing me.
the funny me.
the needful gentle me.
the caring me within my range.
the wishful strong me.
the soft me.
the boy inside me.
the sexual man inside me.

wrong promises:

yes i promise to make "our" come true.

He doesn't. It's me who makes "our" come true.

i promise i wont call you.

i promise to only send you text messages.

As soon as he has your phone number he will call you or send text messages. Limits or a "No" doesn't exist for him.

lies:

The phone  problem was a problem because he lived together with his wife and the telephone bill listed all calls in detail. He didn't have a cellphone and he could not get a cellphone because he had no job and therefor no own money. He had had to ask his wife for a cellphone what he could not do for obvious reasons. So he created this story about not working phone cards etc.

The first thing i bought was a pair of blue and very cool D&G denim jeans (my arse looks so good in those jeans)i paid 100 euro and normal price was 350. Then i accidently fell over a pair of Paul Smith biker boots..very very cool. I only had to pay 300 euro where the normal price was close to 800 euro. Finally i bought a pair of Burberry jeans..you know, the classic thing with squares and stripes. i would like to have bought more but i had to think about my economy.
He should have thought about his wifes economy because she paid everything !

Jakob & sex:
I could write novels about it but for now just this:
If you are out for sex without obligations, Jakob is the perfect match.
If you are out for sex plus relationship, you will have to pay a price.
The price he pays are wrong emotions.
The price you pay are true emotions (and money).

So, why is he not just telling you straight that he wants cyber (and real) sex ?
Modern women enjoy sex without obligations as well as men do.
The answer is simple:
A straight demand for sex would let participate the parties equally. But equality works against his underlying motif to dominate other people. To feel power is the kick for him. The best and most malicious way to get there is to manipulate  your emotions. By manipulating your emotions he can better control you.
Women in love will give a man what he wants. Unfortunately it is that simple.
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The Don Juan motif has fascinated artists and thinkers for centuries. As far back as the 17th Century, Tirso de Molina created the archetype of the hero as proto-trickster, promiscuous manipulator, sublime lecher.
The sexual predator, that dark and mysterious figure, the "stranger", unpredictable, hinting at danger, tinged with violence... what is there that so attracts women to him? Truly, there seems something almost magical about those few men who seem able to mesmerize women at will. What secret do they possess that gives them this power, this intensity, this animal magnetism?
Users and manipulators is the key phrase. Such men have learned to spot and sniff out vulnerable women, the "wounded birds", the ones most susceptible to their particular brand of sorcery. They have mastered the art of "pushing the emotional buttons" of their fellow humans, exploiting the feelings and weaknesses of hurt people (and is not most everyone hurt?), playing women like a musical instrument. In their single-minded pursuit of pleasure, of self-gratification, they leave behind them a string of victims. These are haters of women, exploiters of human weakness, parasites, sociopaths.
This little deviation into the dark alleys of the criminal mind and the underside of human nature yields insight into the sad emptiness of the career seducer. There is little to envy in these creatures. They lead meaningless lives, and each successive "conquest" does nothing to fill the screaming, hungry void within. There is little to admire, considering the pain and wreckage they leave behind.
Behold the man, the man of action, the ruthless hero of myth and saga, society's darling. Here is this rugged doer of deeds, the rough-and-ready "go getter", the one who grabs what he wants without pausing to think... the aggressive stranger, the cowboy, the soldier, the gangster.......

(Source: cyberpaths.blogspot.com)