december 2008

So the state in december is that he is sitting home all day while I go to work. That he tries to find a job without result. That he spends time more in the internet than in reality. That he lied and lies to me beyond everything I ever would have accepted from anyone else.  That he has created an atmosphere of mistrust. That he gladly takes my money and other presents. That he confrontates me with his rage and pathological behaviour and forces me to consider his feelings at the same time. That he plays the helpless little boy. That he shows arrogance against others. That he is nasty and mean to me and expects a caring woman at the same time. That he constantly tries to provoke me to emotional outbursts just with the result that he can use it against me in the next argue.  And overall he shows an attitude as if all the things he uses and gets are for granted and as if he has every goddamn right to get them. Fact is, he has no rights on anything. He doesnt own anything. He doesnt work. He doesnt help. He is not even able to the smallest genuine emotional contribution. My brain already tells me that I should throw him out but his stories and pity cards pay still off and above all, hell, I love him ! I love him so much that I am completely blind against the things he destroys. And there are other  things which make it yet impossible for me. Hope is one factor. The imagination and his promises that the job and the common and happy future with him is just so close, just one second away keeps me in the game of hope. I just don't want to give up what seems so close to reach. Then his ability to create moments of all-consuming love is another strong part of it. They are more often than I might have express it in the blog so far but they exist and indeed it is a magic about them and they catapult us back to where all started. For those special moments I forgive lies, nasty insults, verbal attacks again and again. Too much. What works as the third pilar is our sex. I haven't written about it  in this blog and will not do it since it goes too far. But to understand Jakobs methods and how he strangles women back into his traps it can't be excluded. Sex is a strong instrument in a relationship with Jakob. If not the strongest ! He admires and wants me all around the clock. That never stops, nor our mutual desire. As in all other things he doesnt have limits in sex either.  Be it in reality or in fantasy. And of course it's exciting and fun and let forget time and reality too. It takes quite an amount of our time and in this time we feel always close and nothing but love. Meanwhile the issues he has with his body are also gone. Next to it he tells me some strange stories about the scars he wears, but today I think they were no exceptions from his lies. Taken the mix of all together it feels as every day is a constant walk between the very extremes. Yes, every day. Every goddamn single day. And slowly I am driving crazy. It starts to affect my work, my friendships and most of all my health. Still I don't take care of it.


From all destructive methods in a relationship to lie is probably the worst since it shakes everything. The words which are spoken after a lie get another meaning when they are the same. And even new words won't be taken that serious anymore. All beauty of words gets devaluated by a lie. And at the end words are just an empty shell. And so feels the soul when it is spiked with lies over and over.


Jakob is telling a lot of bullshit. And he is trying hard to follow his own stories. But it doesn't always work. Sometimes his lie is so obvious that even a blind and deaf knows that he cheats. And still there are cases where he insists on his lies that you don't  know if he is tragic, funny or just sick. One day he tells me he had a medical appointment arranged for taking blood samples and I should take him there. I do and call then the doctor later that day to tell him where to send their bill. The nurse on the phone is completely surprised and tells me that Mr. Maltese has no appointment that day. In the evening I ask Jakob how his appointment was. 
"Ok", he says, "they have taken the blood sample." 
"Show me."
And he shows me his arm where I can clearly see there is no injection and no plaster cast. 
"I don't see anything." i tell him. "Where did they make the puncture ?"
"Yes !!!!!" he shouts instantly. "Here !!!!!"  and points to the clean arm. 
"Aha", I say," but you didn't have an appointment. You haven't been there at all. I called the doctor you know....so stop that."
Then he yells at me: " Why did you call ?"
"Because of the damn bill !" I scream back.
"So it's your fault when you call." he says. 
It is simply absurd. In fact, I think he was in some hotel in the city that day because I found some clear indications for that. Whoever he met there it surely was not the doctor.


I am attending a Xmas party in germany and when I come back I find out he uses my computer to watch pornos. This is a mans world..., however, but I don't like he uses my computer for it and I don't like his ridiculous explanation. He sells it as a strange form of proof that he is not porn-addicted because he wanted to find out if he is, or something like that. Errhhh, what ??


By beginning or middle of december he gives me great news. "Darling, I get a job !" I hardly can't believe it and I am totally excited. He tells me he had a successful job interview and they want to have him. It is an IT company in Z. and the job sounds great. The job starts by beginning of january and future seems like heaven now. "They will send the job contract before christmas !" he tells me and we spend a great careless time. Shortly before christmas the contract has not arrived yet and I get concerned. They will send it he assures me, don't worry. But by christmas the contract is not there. Though I am inviting him to a short trip in the hope of having the contract in the letter box when we return. We have beautiful days and spending happy nights. New year is there and it could be all perfect when we come home. But it isn't. 
D.
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Much later I find out that he cheated on me at this time already. He does it the "usual" way. Calling women behind my back, declaring love to them and so on. I don't know why he is doing it because there is no reason for except boredom perhaps or the "pressure" he feels to take on just normal responsibility. But he did never do anything to escape his own boredom by either finding work nor following my suggestion to spend more time outside or by finding friends in real life, so how absurd and consciousless can it be ? It seems so senseless. I dont know about his cheat because absolutely nothing has changed in his behaviour towards me. There is not the slightest trace of a hint that something is going on. He is charming as always, horny as always, funny as always etc. absolutely the same in everything. In contrary we are more happy and close than ever.