march 2009

When I am in Berlin he sends me countless text messages with always the same content: love testimonies, statements of shame about his guilty feelings and expressions of hope for a further common future. It is actually the same pattern as on myspace just on another level. He creates trouble, causes pain, rage or other negative feelings in his counterpart just to excuse instantly after and to negate the feelings he just caused. A push-and-pull strategy and nothing else as a game with emotions. Back then it works so effective that I not only provide him then an own room in an apartment so that he doesn't have to live in the hotel anymore (and I don't have to pay the expensive daily rates anymore) but I also borrow him money again what he gladly accepts without hesitation but with the promise to pay it back. What I don't know at this time is that he never has applied to any company while he was in Z. except one time. But my motifs for giving and loving base on his promises and his acting and telling that he would be that serious, responsible, loving man.  It is so convincing that I don't doubt for a second he really wants to change. It seems only to be a matter of short time. And he tells me now since september or october now that he applies. That are around six months. Switzerland has only an unemployment rate of about 4% so something should be possible ! According to his words he is "so close !!!" to get something. Because he really tries e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. 
I never have met any person who is so afraid of work as Jakob. In all the time I never expected him to have a great fabulous job but just any job. It was about equalness and self esteem and stabilization and other things which are important for a relationship but as the liar and parasite he is he never worked and never took care of it. 


So with the money I gave him he is independent and I hope i can find some peaceful moments for myself. But they are not. He wants to talk to me everyday or he writes letters to my work or he wants to see me. Everything because he wants to get me back. It's not that I broke up with him I just need air to breathe. But there really isn't. I get about twenty text messages everyday and there is not one day where he doesn't involve me in new verbal conflicts, where he tries to blame me for my part in it, where he complaints about the room I am paying for him, where he freaks out when we talk, where he controls me or where he begs for love or just cigarettes. Here some more text messages from that time:


"Do you have a  skype account or not ?"


"I asked you because whe i installed skype on your computer (because of (...)) i saw some accounts."
I did not know and did not use skype back then, so this message was just for controlling me if I could find out what he does I think. And later I find out that he gave himself the representative username "slutpuppy65" when he used my computer for skyping.


"I'm sorry i ever doubted your words. I'm sorry i mistrusted you being on the internet alone. And I'm sorry for behaving so jealous back then. Please forgive me."
That tells a lot about himself, speaking of: projection !


"You are so so special and the way you turn me on is unbelievable. I love you forever. I want you more ever. Now. Tomorrow. Forever. Sleep well my dream woman, my sexual fantasy, my angel, my d."
At the same time in march (and forthcoming months) when he writes me these lovely words he cheats with about ten other women behind my back. 
Copy - paste.


"My d. It was wonderful to kiss and to feel you again. To touch you and to feel you will always makes me shiver and feel like the most lucky man in the world. And i am the most lucky man in the world. d.+j. Always."
see previous comment


"Since you don't care to pick up the fucking phone i don't know if this msg is being reed. But i can tell you that i only wanted to hear how your day was."
No, he only wanted to control.


"How the fucking bloody hell do you fucking think it makes me feel ? Do you think it is piece of cake for me? I don't even know where the fuck i can stay. (...)"
Afraid of losing the money source.
The constant use of the word "fuck" is nothing else as a distraction from the underlying motif.


"Darling, i think i made a wrong thing. There was so much noise in the apartment that i took the bus to your place. I did that without asking you first but it was not out of bad will, i simply was me not thinking we have a whole other situation these days.  I made a cup of coffee but i don't sniff around or doing anything to harm your privacy. If you feel better with me not being here, then just txt me and i leave instantly and without any bad feelings. You should know this is the very first time i go to your apartment. Your j."
But he did harm my privacy ! With everything he writes here. The real reason was surely that he did some checks or calls on my computer. It is not consideration what he does, it is harm and selfish.


"D., i know you are busy. I just want to tell you how much i love you. What you have done for me is more than i have ever experienced before-all the years put together. How you made me want you and you made me feel when you kiss and touch me is more than anything else i have ever felt. I love you. Everything about you is magic. You are magic. My beloved d. my baby. my woman, my everlasting love. I hope i forever will be your j."
I can just repeat the comment:

At the same time he writes me these lovely words he cheats with about ten other women behind my back. 

Copy - paste.

The most important thing in Jakobs world seems to be a computer. Many text messages or talks with him in that and all other times were about internet, network pages, profiles, comments and so on. It seems without the virtual existences Jakob is nothing. The part of Jakob in this relationship was pretty dominated from his knowledge, interest and actions he took in the internet which it was never meant to be. But no matter what I tried he was never interested in reality. He avoids any confrontations where he is about to lose his masks.

The room he is living in runs out by middle of march and since he still has no job he needs a new place to stay. He tells me that his apartment neighbor has offered a place for him. Fine.
A couple of days later he invites me to a hotel in the city (from the money I borrowed him...) and once again he wants to steal the sun from heaven for me. It's the everlasting loop of wishing and wanting and not being able to take the step into reality. My money for the invitation is still my money and a deception of the truth. A helpless but somehow also weird-nice gesture. 
D.
________________________________


When it comes to money, presents or other support in any way, Jakob has no scruple to take it. Nor will you hear a "thank you." He does what it takes to get it. Be it to pretend love, to make sex or to give you promises he never is able to keep. He just does it and it means nothing. It is like a job for him. The two words he utilizes most are "love" and "fuck". The overuse of them is not a genuine expression of a feeling but an instrument to manipulate you. The stronger a word the more someone reacts on it. "Love" and "fuck" both are very strong and manipulative words which influence the ends of our emotional poles. The positive and the negative.  Jakob uses them to reach his goals. Additionally, the frequent use of them works like brainwashing. This strategy is also known from sects.
_______________________
Conditions for mind control:
Psychologist Margaret Singer described in her book "Cults in our Midst" six conditions, which would, she says, create an atmosphere where thought reform is possible. Singer sees no need for physical coercion.

-- controlling a persons time and environment, leaving no time for thought

-- creating a sense of powerlessness, fear and dependency

-- manipulating rewards and punishments to suppress former social behavior

-- manipulating rewards and punishments to elicit the desired behavior

-- creating a closed system of logic which makes dissenters feel as if something was wrong with them 

-- keeping recruits unaware about any agenda to control or change them (comments like: "I would never hurt you, I would never lie to you, I can't believe you think I am lying/ using you...." etc)