january 2009

The happiness from the last days in december ends abrupt. Within the first week of january he tells me that the company has cancelled the job offer. When I ask for the reasons he stays rather unclear and mutters that they have given the job to someone else. That is something I don't accept because I know the paragraphs which say that even a verbal confirmation is legally binding. So I tell him to insist on the offer and have a talk to them. According to Jakob he does but without result. When I offer my help and tell him "let me talk to them" he is vehement against it and doesn't do any further. It is so obvious that something was wrong with that manoeuvre and that he used me for just another week to escape from promises which he never was willing to fulfill that I fall into a state of despair. In a clear second I know that even the absolutest moment of screaming happiness and all my love and my maximum of giving will never be enough to ever satisfied his greed to hurt people, to hurt me, to hurt himself. I just know it won't change and I spend days after days of thinking how to handle it and to find a solution for me. I know I have to go but I can't. Feelings are not facts.  It's an non sufferable thought of longing and wanting him and not to give up a dream. 


Since a while my body rebels with a signifcant symptom. Vertigo. It gets worse and one night I need to see the emergency doctor with symptoms of a heartattack. You are healthy, says the doctor but the symptoms stay.


I think Jakob feels the same sadness in this time but pretty sure for other reasons. He keeps telling me that he applies on and on and that meanwhile he has nearly eighty applications out. I am glad to hear that but I am reluctant with hope. So I let him do what he does and that is surfing in the internet. It is still for fun and the fun turns into some nasty games when he starts to badtalk and stalk old affairs. He has bad ideas how to disturb them, how to trouble them and I even help him sometimes. I don't know if it is because he closed all other accesses. I tried many things to give him a good start into what is called a real life.  But like a child it seems that the only level he is willing to participate and take action are all kind of games and convenient pleasures. Maybe it is also the frustration about him which searches for exits.  Or the brilliant ability from Jakob to let you see monsters where are none. I don't know and it doesn't matter.  I got my part in it and it feels sort of me & Jakob against the rest of the world. As everything it is an illusion. 


The appointment for our tattoo has come and there is not a second of a doubt that I want to have it. Jakob of course is keen on it for his own reasons (which might be found in a shortterm belief of snakeskin leatherjacket romance or just as tribute for a couple of more careless months where he has a bed to sleep and can live on others cost). So he got my "d." and I got his "j.". Whatever the reasons have been for doing it and however the meaning of it has changed and however Jakob has changed the stories about it now, it stays a symbol for a great dream, which failed. No regrets.


Sometimes we go out with a friend of mine which he knows meanwhile a little bit. It's the friend he will later accuse me I have a lesbian affair with (no, I didn't) but at this time he gives actually the impression that he finds her pretty attractive and that he doesn't mind going out together. Jakob has a blooming fantasy and all the things he tells later have never taken place except that he might have been jealous that I have friends. And no matter what sexual preferences someone has, it is not on him to judge them. Let everyone have, it's great !!
D.