i am ok, liebchen.
(...)
No, my house situation is pretty much the same. the rent is ridiculous high in this city so i am a bit reluctant to give so much money for a place which i don't like anyway. Sooner or later i have to but i will not pay a lot of money for a flat/house which i don't like to stay in. I survive now that we know that we will soon see each other.
(...)
i love you. i love you. i love you.
After what happened in april Jakob has actually nothing to lose anymore. This is the point he could have used to clear the air and to reveal everything. But instead he keeps lying. New lies for old lies. In that message he keeps lying about his money situation. He doesnt own a cent.
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dear D.
I am sitting at the library, cause I don't have access to the pc at home..she changed her password. She told me she sent you sms and wrote you some things. I really dont want to know what she wrote. I am trying to survive this weekend and a way to leave this place behind. Deleting my account on myspace was necessary. She went absolutely crazy..I am sure you know by now.
Listen, I can only write you when i go to the library but i hope things will be more normalized this weekend so we write normally from monday. What i'm asking you to do is to IGNORE EVERYTHING that comes from her. Everything ! she told me that she will spam you, that she will pay back at me by going after you. For that i am so so sorry. i feel ashamed writing these words but it is unfortunately necessary. I hope you will follow my plea and not respond/reply in any way. I need this weekend in some sort of peace (means: not too much trouble) to figure out what to do.
hope i can write you later this weekend but i am not sure.
yours
jakob.
Reading this message with a distance shows the fear of Jakob that the truth will be revealed by his wife. My knowledge by his virtual appearance at this point is: Jakob is single, sensitive, caring, protecting, working, loving. My experience furthermore is: there is a woman who writes a stranger (me) messages at midnight which doesnt fit to the picture I have from Jakob. There is no reason for me why I should not believe what he writes. He seems in trouble and I dont want him to feel troubled, so I ignore her.
To know Jakob needs time and distance.
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All weekend i thought about how i would react when i on monday could read your reply. And i imagined you had written me that you didnt have the strength to continues this mess. And i knew what i would have told you: that i understood you so well but that i would keep fighting for you, fore your love for what's once was ours. I don't have many words now. My weekend was pure terror and i keep wondering why i accept it ? Maybe she was the only one who ever visited me when the doctors told me i was so sick they didnt expect me to live. She used her last money (back then she was unemployed) to but i ticket to denmark to sit and talk to me. to calm me down. I know she is reacting totally insane these days but i know if i split know i will never forgive myself for doing so. All i can say that i dont expect you to stay patient or to keep your strength or your faith in me, but i can honestly tell you that i have never felt such a love for someone as i do for you and that no matter what will happen i will always love you and want you to be the one i want to spent my life with.
D.,i understand your postition, your frustration, your anger and your confussion, cause this isn't what we planned, what we had in mind. This isn't the perfect start to the perfect love affair. But as things are right now i can't do a thing. Yes, i could. I could split but that would be the worst idea. I know myself and it would haunt me forever if i did something like that. Maybe i am too sensitive or too fragile for you, but i need to have this problem with her solved before we can meet. I can't give you a deadline. I thought i could. But her mood and behavor made it impossible.
I try to control her the best i can but sometimes she freaks out and write you. I can't keep her under surveillance 24 hours a day. All ican hope is that you chose to ignore it and don't reply. because that is exactly what she wants.
(...)
Well, in November 2010 (watch out for the chapter !) I receive excuses from him for the lies he did back then to me. One lie he corrected is that there were more visitors in the hospital than just his wife.
So, in this message his wife serves for an excuse that he doesnt take action against what obviously causes him pain. That is quite paradoxical.
Yes, he is sensitive and fragile. He just does not direct it to you very often. Those words are a trigger to open your heart for him and to forgive him whatever he does.
It would haunt him forever ? Nothing haunts him. He is careless that way. But it is a good opener for his game and for letting me know that he can't make the agreed deadline anymore. Instead of telling me that he has no money to fly to me he is playing the good samaritan.
________________________________________
your message just ticked in right when i was leaving.
i dont accept your breaking-up.
i dont want a home.
i want a home with you.
yes i know you can chose not to read my messages, but i keep writing them anyway.
what i told you nothing but the truth.
(...)
A "No" does not exist for him. Setting a line as I often did is perhaps a signal to him to do exactly the opposite.
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i will never forget you.
i will always love you.
i will never give up the hope that i can have you.
By now, it doesn't sound very pleasant.
_______________________________________
(...)
There is no light and no positive things to write. Only grief, sorrow and the feeling of not wanting to live anymore. I walk around like a zombie. (...) days just goes with the hope of me being able to call you from the airport so soon. (...)
People usually try not to bother other people with their own troubles so much as a sign of respect and love. Jakob plays the pity card with no regrets.
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(...) How can i write you when all i can write is how i struggle to overcome another day. You don't need such words. You don't need words, you need actions and yet, words are the only thing i can offer you at this moment. It hurts so unbelievable to feel seperated from you. Later today i will go to work and it is ok cause the moment i fear most is the moment i used to love so much: (...)
Maybe you need to see action before you know my words are true. Action will come, no matter if you want me or not i will still take a flight to Z. to see you. I dont expect you to sit and wait for me but i so much hope you will see me when all this in place and i can call you from the airport.
i have my birthday on sunday. i have arranged i will go to the mountains this weekend and spent saturday and my birthday on sunday alone. I think it is the best thing to do. (...)
Jakob is right. Words are the only things he can offer you. And they are unfortunately meaningless for him.
________________________________________
(...)
i dont expect you to love me or to wait for me.
but i know i will never never love another woman.
you was the perfect woman for me.
you still are.
and you always will be.
i only want you.
i hope the storm will calm down soon so i can call you from the airport.
because i love you so so much.
_____________________________________
yes i want you to come.
and i want to head back to denmark as soon as i can.
and i want to visit you and i am glad it will be in Z. cause this was our first plan.
(...)
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I am not having answers to all my questions but he reaches out for me and lights up my interest for him again. I am still very curious who he is and what secrets are to be find in his heart. And what about the love he declares to me on and on and on.....? I need to know.
D.
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