april 2008, pt.1

Our first talk on the phone is mind-blowing. Talking to him is like a pacy flirt at the limits wrapped with fire. C'mon honey,  let's say no to all reasons, no to the daily grind, no to what is boring or bothering. I fall for his voice before he is telling me to go away with him. The more we speak the more intense and detailed are the plans for a future together.

Comments in this post are made directly at the messages.

Then i began to think that if this is going to be just as we both hope and expect when we meet..the how on earth will I ever be able to go back after visiting you ?

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i agree, i dont think i can go back. It doesn't scare me. It's just a feeling and a fact if things goes as we both expect and hope.

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why ?

i told you: i can't go back.

you have a problem now.

i am chained to you.

I should have read these words carefully !

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phone is good reality is great !

both! thank you.

hahaha..(...). 

we can use the phone both to talk seriously and to fuck.

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and right now i am fucking crazy cause i just walked three km to Siri's house to give you a call !

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Went home 7.00 and i was simply too tired to walk to my friends house to call you. I thought about it for a long time but the idea of extra twenty minutes walking to her house and twenty extra more to go home was not appealing because i was so tired. I just hope you understand, D.

Siri is an invention of Jakob. The person Siri does not exist. 

Knowing that and reading both comments again  shows the game Jakob is playing here. 

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weekend in B. (may) i will definitely in b. with you. The Z. date is a bit uncertain right now. I need a bit more time to see if i can make it work.

He confirms a date with me which will never take place simply because he has no money to realize his plans. (but when writing this message he knows that he has no money....)

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she is not very close.

deny !

she is obsessed!

He is lying about an ex-affair.

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just got up. had a bad bad night after reading your message.

I dont know what happend on myspace cause i haven't opened any of the messages that ticked in during the night.

I am gonna drink some coffee and then i'm gonna write "(...)" a message. i know i have been very clear to her but it seems as it hasn't helped. I know i told you that i had some "bad" experiences on myspace..she was one of them. I dont mind people stalking me but i do mind when people harass me or people i care for.

This isn't right. Yesterday afternoon you told me you loved me, wanted me so badly and you wasn't scared when i told you i wanna stay with you forever because it will take forever to experience all that we want to share together. Yesterday afternoon you told me things that turned me on so much and i wanted so bad to take you here and now. I went frustrated but happy to work. And then she fucked up all those good feelings. I can only imagine what her message did to you.

And that's enough to make me react now.

i can't tell you how sorry i am for the troubles she made for you.

yours

Jakob.

This message is exemplary for Jakobs most effective method how he isolates the women from each other he had or has an affair with :

- playing innocent !

- playing the victim !

- pretending to protect you ! 

- pointing the finger always to someone else !

- blaming others !

In fact he is the one who start and quit affairs without taking responsiblity for emotional damages he causes. The only one who gets protected by isolating others is himself. And that's what he want.

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you didnt put me in a bad mood. she did. i felt ashamed. and scared. I'm glad she didnt ruined anything -except from my side what was left of sympathy for her.

Blaming her !

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that was the most beautiful reading.

you are the one for me.

and you know why.

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i dont tell them either. only real friends knows. no point in telling so called myspace friends about us. they're not friends anyway so why bother.

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I think it's ten years ago i last time visited greece.

i could be nice to see Athens again some day.

right now the only place i want to visit is Z.

Greece too ?

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D, you know how much i like you. And you know i told you about the cancer i had. I think i told you i can't have kids. It's true and it's a painful fact which still haunts and hurts. So far i have been able to more or less ignore it. Simply because the women i was seeing were never a potential mother or a potential long-lasting relationship.

This time things are different. 

Liar !

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this is what i meant when i told you about the bad things that happend in my past.

(...) is one of those women who i knew.

she told me she would strike back at me. looks like she did.

oh well, i will have to take from there.

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D...

came home 5 in the morning..the work was a disaster cause i couldnt concentrate. The things that we spoke about yesterday was on my mind..the thing about children, the fear of losing you. I didnt have the energy to use my break going visit Siri (telephone) -it was raining and cold and i was behind schedule and i was afraid i would start crying if i'd hear your voice.

It's not something to do with me avoiding speaking about the past, but i feel kind of haunted by the past and it makes me think about why people sometimes strikes back in anger or bitterness. I know i have had a heartbreak in my life. A serious one. But it never made me harass the person who captured heart of the woman i loved. It was painful but i stayed away. But maybe it is different because this is internet. People tends to behave like they never would behave in reality when they're online.

I don't know. I am sleepy after only four hours of sleep and i miss you like hell. I always miss you but today it's really really bad.

Knowing what happend before i went to work i just hope your evening wasn't too unplesant.

yours

Jakob.

He is doing it again:

- playing innocent !

- playing the victim !

- blaming others !

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my dearest D.

I promise you that i will stay with you. I promise to always be faithful and real to you. I promise to always tells you the truth. I dont like lies, simply because they are so damn difficult to remember and to keep track of. Besides, i have no reason to lie to you. You already know some bad things that took place in my life. Ok, you only know them as fragments but i am sure we will be able to tell each other about our past -in case we feel like it is necessary.

Shortly about the internet affairs: I never met anyone of them. There were two persons which was quite serious affaires -(...) was one of them, but as i already have told you: today we are friends with nothing that even could remotely associated with romanctic feelings. Yes, there was another one. She's not on my page and i haven't heard from her since i broke up in may last year. But i have had a lot of women who for some unknown reason found me interesting to stalk and to declare their love to. I normally act like a civilized and well mannered person so sometimes it has been a bit difficult to get rid off them, but as things are right now i feel free of the past. Maybe that's why i get shocked when things like what happend yesterday or when "...." wrote you is heppening.

Please read just the message. Broken promises, plain lies and 5% of the truth about his internet affairs result in what is called manipulation.

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more banal things:

i have taken this new job in norway so in a way i have already left denmark. That's why i wont be difficult for me to move to another country if that issue will be raised one day.

There is no job. But he wants to get away from Norway.

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it doesn't quite mean that i have moved. My stuff is still in denmark and a friend is staying in my appartment. But i quit the job i had and are now living in a friends house. She is most of the time in Dubai at her boyfriend house so basically i am living alone..except for the cat.

He has NO stuff in denmark and nowhere else. He doesn't own anything.

The "friend" in "his" appartment is his brother.

The "friend" who is in Dubai is his wife.

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when i knew i wanted you ? in december !

when i knew i would be in danger of really loving you ? when you wrote me the history of (...).

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My belief in our future and his convincing yet so eager speech let me unaware of the incoming messages from many people which apparently had been connected to Jakob in the past. It seems that everyone wants to tell me something important about him or themselves. First I read them but the words they use to approach me are often insensible, imprudent and attacking. They start to annoy me and I consider them as disturbance of our romance.

D.