february 2009

February starts as january has ends. I am going to work every day while Jakob stays home, takes care of cleaning the apartment now and then, takes care of applications and spends the rest of the day with internet and waiting for me to come home. When I am home he wants my full attention and if I try to spend time with someone else he finds a way to express how less he appreciates it. If he feels that discussions pressure him he is going for a walk and refuses any talk which touches responsibilities. He doesn't care how I feel about it and if it causes me any pain. He just leaves. And often enough I run after him to get him back or to get the chance to end a talk. One time I find him hided in the attic, his face full of shame and I just take him in my arms and tell him to come back. He promises and promises. The bright future, the work, the man he wants to be for me. It feels like an eternal loop. 


It breaks in a february night.
I spend an evening without Jakob and alone with my friend. It is a nice evening with easy talks, laughter and smoking weed. I am relaxed and happy when I come home and I want to share my good feelings with Jakob. I open the door and when he turns to me to talk to me I realize that he is drunk. 
"How was your evening, Darling ?" he asks and accentuates the last word sarcastic.
"Fine." I smile at him still filled with the good emotion.
"So ? Fine for you !" he remarks sarcastic again. "What did you do ?"
I realize his tone and try to be careful what I say: "Just talking and smoking a bit, nothing special."
"What did you smoke ?" his eyes look envy.
"A bit weed."
He pauses for a moment and I can see traces of rage start forming around his mouth before he continues:
"Nice. Why did you never take weed with me ?"
"You never told me you want some." I try to be logical. But that just provokes him even more.
"With me you never take weed, hm ? Why not ???" he asks again ignoring my remark, his voice gets louder..
"If you want weed than just get it." I tell him.
"With me you don't smoke, hm ? But with your frrrrieeennnnnd, hm ?." he speaks it out as if my friend and I would do something secretly behind his back and rolls the word slowly in his mouth. 
"No." i say and just look at him. 
"What is it with you and your friennnndddd ?" his voice gets cold.
"What do you mean ?"
"You and your friieeennnndddd...what is it ? Come, tell me."
"Nothing."
"Come tell me. No problem."
"There is nothing. We had a nice evening."
"Maybe I should call your friennnnndddd and ask her what you do, hm ??? Maybe she will tell me."
"Why do you want to call her ?"
"She is such a bitch."
"What ????"
"I will tell her what bitch she is. Give me the number."
"No !!!!"
"But no problem, Daaaaling, I just talk to her. You talk to her all day. Why can I not talk to her ? Come Daaaaling, just a little word to your friiiennnnndddd." he says in disgusting wrong tone.
I try to calm him down and say. "OK just  do. She will not listen anyway." But it doesn't work.
He is about to take the telephone and starts to call her number what is no option for me. I think it is enough when he spoils my evening but not hers as well. I am so angry meanwhile about his behaviour that I tell him: "Just do it. Do you want me to call your brother instead ? "
"YOU WILL NOT CALL MY BROTHER !" he screams suddenly direct in my face, grabs my head and pulls my hair with such a sudden violent move that tears come to my eyes from the pain and I start screaming to stop hurting me.
"Don't call my brother. Did you understand ? Don't dare to ever call my brother !!" he hisses "He is the only one I have. You will not take him away from me !!!! " and he pulls my hair gain. This time more violent than the first time. "Did you understand ?"
"Yes. Let my hair, let my hair, let my hair."
He keeps his fingers firmly around my hair.
"Never ever. It is MY brother !" with every word he pulls my hair harder and I cry.
He hisses and is drunk and I don't forget his cold voice when he starts bashing me:
"You are not better than all the other woman. You are like the monster. I am good enough for cleaning, yes ??? For cleaning your fucking apartment, yes ????" and he pulls me two steps through the apartment.
"I never made you clean." I say halfscreaming.
"Oh yes, you did. You are like the monster." another pull.
I scream louder, try to push him away and finally he lets my hair go. He looks at me and my tears.
"You are just a cunt." he says.
I am mute and  stare at him. 
"You're a fucking cunt."
"I am not." I say as quiet as I can.
"You know what I will do when I am out here ?"
"No. What ?"
"I will fuck every woman I can get. Really deep and good. And there are many, y'know... " 
"Ok, have fun." is the last ironic remark I get over my lips.
"You're such a failure." he says.
I get up and want to escape. Just escape from him, from the situation, from the wreckage and everything he has just destroyed.
"No !" he screams. "You stay !!"
I stumble into the bedroom but he follows me and screams at me. On the bed he tries to keep me down with his weight and his hands and suddenly I have his fingers around my neck. He starts to press. I scream as loud as I can. He puts just more pressure on his fingers and I can't breathe. Panic, panic, screams. His ugly antic over me. Close. I struggle to get away from him but he keeps pressing and pressing and I see the hate in his eyes. i don't know who this is in his eyes but I am so scared that I just scream. And then I give suddenly up. Until today I don't know why but from one second to another I get totally quiet and calm inside. I don't care anymore what happens. I don't care if I might die. I think I just accept that there is some sort of higher order and it feels alright. What I remember is this clarity inside when I look at him and say: "Just do it."
I don't know if it was my voice or the words or my look but from one second to another he lets go. I get instantly up and he follows again but I just grab my things and run out of the apartment. He wants to follow too but is too drunk to run. I hear smashing noises and hear him scream, then take the car and try to drive away. I can't cause I shake allover. I call my friend instead and she wants to sent men to get him out. I don't know what to do. I don't want strangers to hurt him.  I don't want him in jail. I can't think anymore. But then I go back. My apartment is smashed. He lays on the floor halfnaked. "I am such a loser." he cries and can't stop saying it. I put him to bed, pull the blanket over him and lay next to him. When he grabs after me to put my hand around his cock, tells me to suck him and tries to kiss me I leave to sit on the floor the rest of the night.
"Good morning darling." he says the next morning, with a cup of coffee in his hand. It's a saturday. His face is calm and normal as ever. I sit and watch him how he drinks his coffee and how he stirs the sugar and how he lights his morning cigarette then. I don't know what I am waiting for. A word of excuse. Or maybe only for a sign that tells me he knows what has happen. "What are we doing today, darling ?" he asks after a while and takes a zip of his coffee.
"I want you to go." I say quietly.
He cries when he packs the few things.


I am not able to throw him out for good. He has nowhere to go and I feel responsible for him. And yes, I love him like crazy against all reasons. It's wrong but the network of feelings and dependencies is not easy to cut. I want him away from my place, I need time to breathe and get myself together again so I bring him to a hotel that he has a room for a couple of nights. And now he swears to heaven that nothing else matters to him anymore as to gain back my love and to bring back innocence in my life and our future and to have a real life together. He asks me if I could provide him also a cellphone because he wants to call for all the open job interviews and applications right away. I give him this chance and he gets the phone. A bad idea. I will soon go to Berlin again and for the time I am in Berlin I allow him to go back to my apartment. Later I find out that he calls some woman in the states the night before I leave to Berlin while I am laying in the bed next door and sleep. It's only a week since he violated me and promised longlife love and responsibility again. But as I find out later it is in fact just the start of another bunch of cheats. And he will generously use my cellphone for it. To me he gives the penitent sinner as his best role ever. Some of the text messages I receive from him:


"I miss your love too, d. I want to be what i told you i was, not just words or intentions or mean words. I love everything about you."


"Darling, i want us to survive. I miss you like i did when i was in norway and you was so far away."


"I want our innocence back and i know it is up to me."


"Please know how much i feel for you, how much i love you, how much i know i hurted you. I will always love you."


"I want one day tell you about things which make me the monster i am. But it will never change that i loved you, that i love you, that i always will love you."


"One thing i forgot: please don't close down. And i promise you to treat you with respect and love."


"You don't understand. I am not in denial. I realise what i did and said. And it was so awfully wrong."


"I am afraid tonight. Because I love you. Because what we had was so innocent, so fine, so right...and now our innocence is lost. And i wonder if we are too. You told me it is not death of me to lose you. But i feel it is. I hurted you so badly, so wrongly. Sorry is never gonna make it right, my actions will...if i have time. i love you, d."


"I dream of you, d. Do you know that ? In dream begin responsibility.."


"I pictured the rainbow/you held it in your hands. This is how i feel about us. It makes me so ashamed...will you ever understand,d ? I hope not."


I do.
D.