april 2008, pt.2

Middle of april I wake up on some sort of distorted reality. It was a thursday in april, I clearly remember that, when I still imagined to be in the zenith of l'amour toujours. I just came back from the airport where I waved a friend goodbye . Back home I open myspace to leave a comment on Jakobs page. The second I try to post that comment, myspace tells me that the user "Ulysses" (Jakob) does not exist anymore. His page is just gone and I stare on a blank screen. I have his eMail adress and write him but I don't get an answer. Instead my cellphone signals after midnight an incoming text message. I can't believe what I read :

(s) "Maybe Jakob should get a divorce before he call you again, from my phone (....) what do you think ? Be careful about who you trust on the internet."

I call the number where the message comes from, hear some noises and the phone is hung up again. Still in shock I get the next message:

(s) "Jakob don't want to speak with you right now, he hung up. Maybe he will call you when i'm at work. He is home all day every day."

and I ask back and have a short dialogue with the sender:

(D) "Who are you ?"

(s) "Jakobs wife."

(D) "(....)"

(s) "I would feel the same. I'm ok, i just don't want to pay the phone bill so he can have fun instead of getting a job. That's all."

(D) "(...)."

(s) "Well, he is not that brave. But lets see what happens. I hope you are okay or will be. I got nothing against you and if Jakob would pay for himself then I would never have contacted you. I know how he is and nothing surprise me when it comes to him. Sorry. Try not to feel hurted."

(D) "(...)"

(s) "Well, he is not exactly a prince, you know. And its a long story. Take care and goodnight"

Later, I will know his wife is telling me the truth.  

That moment I receive the messages I just know something is wrong. Something is really wrong. This time I listen to my instinct and step back from the idea to have a relationship with Jakob. But from now on until the day we meet Jakob tries everything to get me back. I get messages over messages, explanations, justifications and love letters over love letters (love bombing !).The first message I receive from him after this evening is the following long letter which I will also later attach as original. He explaines and excuses everything in a quite reasonable way and makes me think that his wife seems to get him intentionally into trouble:

(...)told me you had written some mails to me but she deleted them. So i dont know what you wrote me -except something about us in the church which she told me she would write you back on. I can only guess what she will write and it's probably not something nice.

But one thing is very clear: i am not married to her. She's my ex-wife. And this is NOT the first time she goes ballistic on myspace. I told you i had an account earlier, my sinnerboy account. Back then she hacked into my account and wrote a lot of foolish things to a lot of women on that page. I forgave her cause she was in a bad state of mind. So i created a new one account. She knew about it but didnt care..we were friends and she had an affair with that english guy i was telling you about. (...)'s not evil but she's one bad fucker to have as an enemy. She have absolutely no limits when she wants to hit some one..and she's good at it....I think she feels she has a God given right to strike out as she please when she's feeling miserable. And this time she really hit me hard cause i really do love you.

she called me before christmas and asked me if i could visit her cause she felt lost and sad. And since i had the time i said yes. She asked why i didnt moved back to norway, i had friends here and she knew how bored i felt in denmark. We never discussed starting over our relationship. I had some doubts but gradually she persuaded me. I had money enough to stay here for some time until i found a job. But time went and i was more interested in speaking with you than to do something about my worksituation. In january I told her about how i felt for you, she laughed and told me to get serious and grow up. So i gave up speaking about my feelings for you. Then things with the english guy crashed for real and she suddenly now was kind of possesive. I know her. I know it's only because she's right now feels alone and vulnerable..it's not love or affection for me.

But it was wrong of me to use her phone and it was wrong of me not to reveal everything to you. It would have been painful to tell you but not as painful as it is to tell you the things now cause i  know you truely loved me and you must have felt so hurt and betrayed last night. There's no excuses for not telling you about the job situation and my current house situation. i can easily get my old job at the mental hospital back and i probably will cause i liked working there. And i will have to find a new place to stay...it may take sometime but it should be possible. What's much much worse is that i have betrayed you and lost you. I can't find words for the sorrow i feel. For the loss. And for hurting you. To you it may sound crazy but i will never never recover from this. I brought it on myself but that doesn't stop the pain, D.

I don't even know if you are gonna reply to my words, i don't even know if you are gonna tell her i wrote you (which I definitely not hope you are), i dont nothing today..just that i feel sad and ashamed.

That is one hell of a malicious message !
He is lying to me black on white about his marital status. The truth is: yes, he IS married. And I must know because I have paid for his divorce later. (you may laugh....)
And not only is he married he even blames her !
He does not get his job back although he is writing so reasonable about it. In contrary, he doesn't spend a second to think about to get a job.

_____________________________

the best thing you can do regarding (...) is to ignore her, then she will lose interest in writing quickly.

i was honest to you about my feelings.

it was never an affair i wanted.

what i wanted and what i thought i had was true love.

His strategies again:
- manipulating and trying to isolate people from each other who could bring him in trouble !
Since he seemed upset about her and ashamed I did ignore her for a while as he "advised". Wrong ! Don't make the same mistake, listen to people !
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if i had gone outside to find a phonebooth to call you then she would have kicked me out of the house in the middle of the night and i wasn't in a mood to run around in the middle of the night finding a place to sleep. But do you really think i wouldn't have called you if the circumstances was different ?

you dont know me that well then...

- playing serious, trying to create a bad conscious !

_____________________________

i will answer all your questions one by one when i have the time.

right now i will have to go for the job interview.

please understand.

dont think i dont care about your questions but i am so busy right now.

please, understand..and please let me explain my answer and your questions when i have the time.

yours

Jakob.

- trying to gain time ! there is no job interview.

______________________________

i didnt know about the actual dialogue. I am a bit shaken but not so much..i know her very well. She had said things which was much worse before. But i guess this is where my friendship with her ends. If i was married to her or being in relationship with her then i could understand it but we are absolutely free of each other so i have a hard time understanding her and her reasons, except for the things i told you: that if she is in a bad state then she doesn't want to be the only one who's suffering. I am already looking for another place to stay because this situation is very very unconfortable for me and probably for her too.

D, even looked through the eyes of last days incidents i can't say i regret writing you on youtube. I feel immensely sad that you should be dragged through all this drama, but i have never felt such love and need as i feel for you. I fully understand if you quit, if you think this is too much. But you should know one thing: I never never lied about my feelings for you, of the love i feel for you, of how much i need you.

Yesterday i went to my old job and they told me i was more than welcome to start again if i wanted to. It's nice to know i have a job again. That was one of the only good things that happend that day. I went to some friends of mine and asked them if i could stay at their house until i found something for myself. Negative. It wasn't the answer i hoped for so i have to be patient and trying to survive. I went home to the home that isn't mine and never will be and as i was in the kitchen cooking i completely cracked up. I just sat there on the kitchen floor and cried and cried. I couldn't stop. Not because i felt sorry for myself but because you wrote me you had the worse night in your life and because i was so afraid of losing you. i was alone -luckily.

I miss you so much, D. I miss logging on to myspace and read your messages, smile when i see your comments..i miss your voice. I have created an empty page on myspace..just in case you tell me to come back to you. But i think it would be wise of you if you put your page to private ?

Yes, Siri is a real person but it wasn't her phone i used. i called from "home". And the thing with the wax job..i am sorry i didnt explained better. it's when you remove hair on your body with hot wax.

The next couple of days i will have to get the best out of the situation. I have so much sadness in my heart and so much fear of losing you.

Jakob.

Lies, Lies, Lies !
Siri is not a real person. Siri does not exist.
And there is no new job. And no friends he could stay at a different place.
He suggests to set my page on private now what means noone else can have a look what is going on on a page. Another perfect isolation strategy.
He never lied to me ? Hell, he did !
He is taking the lie of the marriage to blame her again and play some kind of a victim.
_____________________________

yes i will answer all your question with the truth.

if will fight for you, i will fight for your love..i know it will take time for you to heal, to trust me but i will never let your love go. (...)

I need you because i love you so much and all i have created so far is only pain for you. It hurts so much to know. I owe you so much bacause you have brought so many new and wonderful feelings to me. Please be strong and not let go.

(...)

yours

Jakob.


But he does not answer with the truth. Fighting in his world means to lie about lies. New lies cover old lies.

___________________________

This is a message from me to Jakob:
the story of your life you told me in the beginning, is that all true ?

your family background, your sickness, the loss of your daughter, your travels through europe, your  study ?

__________________________

Jakobs answer:

it's all true.

______________________________

Dearest D.

I can only imagine how you feel, which kind of thoughts is running through

your mind, but i can tell you how i am and how this situation makes me feel.

(...)

For you to understand or at least to know i will have to tell you some

things (...)

Shortly before Christmas (...) called me and asked if i could take a trip to

norway to look after her house while she was in Dubai. I said yes cause i

had enough time on my hand. I had finished a job (the contract was only for

one year) so i left denmark with the idea it would be fine for me to get

away and to see some old friends. It was a good christmas, lot's of friends

and parties and it felt good to be back. When (...) came back we talked

back and forth and she asked why i didn't moved back to norway -most of my

friends are here and she knows i dont like to live in Denmark. She told me i

could have a room in her house until i found something to live in by myself.

So i decided to move back, there was never ever a word about hooking up on

each other again. I found a job here in St., it was shitty working

hours (evening/nights as you know) but it paid well although i knew it was

only for a certain limited time i could have the job. A month ago i had to

stop the work but it was ok. I could need some time to rest and to find out

what to do next. It was at that time (...) began to change attitude.

Slowly she began to act like we were married. I didnt really pay any

attention to it before that night she went crazy and wrote you. I didnt knew

what she was writing before you showed me but even when i read her words to

you i wasn't angry at her. I felt such a sadness and a loss because i knew

that she had planted a seed of mistrust in you. It may seems strange to you

why i wasn't angry at her. I will tell you (...)

When i met her years ago she was living with a woman so we didnt have

anything sexual going on. We became really really good friends and often

visited each other although i lived in denmark and she in norway. One day

she asked me why i didnt moved up and lived with her and her girlfriend.

They had a big house and there was plenty of rooms. I said yes. Later it

turned out that she wanted so badly to have a child. She knew i had lost

B. and she knew how much i like children so she asked me one night if i

woukld be the father to her child. I thought about it for a long time. But i

knew she could be a good and loving mother so i said yes. I clearly told her

that i had no intension of just being a donor, that i would be an active

part in this. Her and her girlfriend did agree. I knew the norvegian system

is very oldfashioned so i told her we had to get married before having a

child. She said ok. But the time went and she didnt get pregnant, instead

she got more and more angry at me, at the situation. Finally we gave up the

marriage because there was no point in being together if there wasn't a

child. It was a very harsh and bitter divorce. She was so full of anger and

rage. After a year she contacted me again and she had came to terms with the

fact that i didnt delivered that child she had expected me to do. So we

became good friends again. But i knew how desperate she was to have a child.

That was why she was everyday involved in a new love affair.

Today she is going through a very very hard time where she is trying to face

up to the fact that she might not have a child. Sometimes she is aware of

the risk of not being a mother ever sometimes she is in denial. I now know

why she called me and asked to spent some time up here. She knows very well

that i can't have kids anymore but she needed someone to talk to, someone to

let her rage and anger out on. It is ok with me cause my shoulders are broad

and i can take a great deal without breaking. But what i didnt knew was how

my feelings for you would grow.

D., i am not a kid anymore. I have lived a life. i have had my fair share

of love affairs but i have never in my life felt what i feel for you. never.

For the first time in my life i am sure that i will love someone till the

day i die. I might be a naive fool but it is the truth. I swore to myself

that i would never never hurt you, that i would bring koy and happiness and

love into your life and that is why this situation is so hard for me to be

in. (...) And for how long ? I gave

(...) my word this weekend that i will stay with her and her girlfriend as

long as she is so broken as she is now. Later i talked to (...) (her

girlfriend) and she told me she thinks it will take a month or so before we

have her on right track again. We are not living as man a wife. we dont

kiss, fuck or shown up naked. What she need is to know people cares about

her and that she knows when she come home from work she wont be alone. 
So i promised her to stay until she is feeling better. And she accepted that i am

looking for another place to stay and that i use the internet while she is

at work. When she comes home i dont log on, i dont check emails..i prepare

dinner and getting ready for job. Before leaving (...) is coming home so

there is always someone around her. That's my life these days. I feel like a

prisoner but i know i could break free every minute i want to..i just dont

have the heart to do so.

(...)

it was a bitter and harsh divorce ? no.
he lost his daughter ? no.
he cares about her ? no.
he found a job ? no.
his wife did not live with her girlfriend. Another lie. They were best friends, not girlfriends.
Still, the story appears reasonable and makes you feel sorry for him if you cannot look through. And how can you ?
Remember that behaviour of him very well because this is what he will make out of you in his stories to new targets.

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what my heart says about you i wrote. Do you think it was for fun i broke down and just felt to the floor and cried ? For the first time in my whole life i have found a woman whom

i can imagine growing old with. I know how it sounds but nevertheless it is the truth.

You might have a right to feel rage against (...), No, you have the right but all i can say is that she's not well and although it doesn't excuse her behavor i hope it somehow explains why. I felt like i wanted to hit her so badly when i read the words she sent you but i dont hit women and i ceratinly not women who are mentally very very fragile.

(...)

No one is well when you get betrayed and lied to. 
But he twists the words clever to his favour by pretending to be an understanding man.
________________________________________
Jakob tries everything to get me back and he will. He takes two months.
D.
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By reading the posts and the messages in this post it becomes clear that Jakob is very versed to put people in inner conflicts. The instinct tells you that something is wrong with the setup. There are always little signs which seem not to make sense or which appear confusing because they are hidden or unclear. When I made Jakob aware of inconsistencies in his stories he always had very good explanations for everything. And indeed they sound reasonable. But it is the amount of inconsistencies and new explanations which makes your instinct ring the bells. And your instinct is right. The stories he invents are good stories. That is the other hint. They are mostly too good or too amazing to be true. And if nothing works he uses the simple strategy to blame just others. It is a poor behaviour and not right. But no one is holy and if someone appears to be your instinct will knock at your door.  Listen !