march 2008

Honeymoon, you sugar coated moon. Sweet are my feelings for Jakob, sweet are his words and sweet is the virtual cocoon. I love the way we communicate but what I finally want and need is to hear his voice. All I have and all I love so far is a man who is writing the most beautiful  words. They make me more than curious for the real man and so I start to insist on the long promised telephone call. I want to step out of the virtual world and take the next step. 

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. I might be easier for you than it is for me to write a goodbye to a person you never had met, not even heard the voice from but for me this is more than an internet flirt. Much much more. To me this is as real as if we had met and been together.

I don't think it will make you change your mind, but for what it is worth: i am not and was never "unfaithful" to you. There was never room for another one than you. it's sounds so banal, but it is the simple truth. It never crossed my mind to share my heart with any other but you.

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Dearest D

My weekend was peaceful and relaxing. no hangovers or parties. It felt good. But i had awful many thoughts about you..i really really missed you much more then i think you know.

My friend was a bit surprised. I can't say negativ, more like "are you sure it is a wise thing to do", but i explained that it was not a question whether or not to use my common sense cause i simply was so much in love with you. basically my friends doesn't want me to get hurt..but most of all i think they're surprised that i can fall inlove that way. Which brings me to another thing: what you just wrote to me about our way of flirting. It's true. It's "ours" and it feels like the right way. We both know we will be speaking on the phone one day, we both know we will meet and although i most of the time just want to catch a flight to Z. and come visiting you, our way is the right thing for us. i dont think we're shy or things like that..i jsut think we have found a beautiful and romantic way to express ourselves to eachother. And it seems rare these days on the internet. So for me it is a precious thing, a thing i like to us to keep, a thing i like to give you...

But that doesn't mean i dont have hormones flying around in my body (i have and they are killing me), it doesn't mean i don't want to tell you erotic details...i want all of those things too. of course. I just feel we have all the time in the world.

But of course i can be wrong.

my mantra (again again)...am i too slow ?

i knwo you are too wonderful.

too lovely.

yours

Jakob.

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oh yes. come ! come ! come ! visit me.

oh yes. come ! come ! come ! when i kiss you.

i want you madly.

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i will answer your questions but i first i will run to the post office. i want to know what happend with my love letter to you.

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last night.

Last night i was when i was in bed i began thinking about you and me. about you and me and myspace. And maybe because i was angry for not being able to send you the messages i wrote i started thinking about which kind of place myspace has turned in to. I told you i joined myspace over a year ago. In the begining it was funny to communicating with people across borders but slowly myspace changed into what seems like a place for people to live out their fantasies, a place where people cheated on their wifes and husbands, cheated on their boy/girlfriend, a place where people cheated on their internet affairs. I was no better back then. I too had affairs, not that they ever came to be realized but today, when i am so much in love with you, it saddens me that i know i was a such person. Maybe i risk losing your feelings for me writing you these words, but i feel so strong for you that i think it's important that you know. "Meeting" you made me realize what i really wanted, what i really needed..something genuine, something deep...not just flirtatious comments and "i love you" said after a few days. I believe in love, i actually believe in the possibility of loving another person even you haven't physically being together with that person yet, but i dont believe in loving a person only after a short while. For me it takes time, a long time. You and me ? We might write wonderfully slow and romantic and i dont want us to change our way, but inside of me we are awfully fast. We are at a place where i never have been before in cyberspace: a place where my feelings grow every day. It scares me sometimes, it makes me insecure sometimes, it even sometimes makes me feel a sting of jealousy (i don't know what your relationship to this guy M is..).

Guess i just want to tell you how much i like you.

how much you mean to me.

yours

Jakob.

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Dear D.

Since i wrote my message to you i have been so afraid you'd decide to break-up what we have. Let me tell you something, please. First and most important: there's no way i can let you go. It really doesn't matter what you would have told me about your relations, cause my feelings for you is so real and so very strong it would be impossible for me (or you) to change them.

(...) Speaking about flirting: of course i flirt. It's nice and it's totally safe because i am so much aware of your presence in my heart, there's no way i can fall for another woman. And they can't fall for me cause i will never allow it to come so far.

D, D, D...i want you so much. I am so much in love with you.

(....)

Jakob.

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Dearest D.

Strange strange weekend. Friday evening i drove to the mountains. I stayed in a small very primitive cottage..just alone with my thoughts and no music, no pc. (...) But all the time you was with me. It was good and it was frightening too. Cause i felt so damn afraid of losing you. I am not the jealous kind, i'm a believer. (...)

yours

Jakob.

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can you forgive me ?

it's just because i am so much in love with you.

please dont think of me as the jealous type -i am not.

not normally.

sorry

yours

Jakob.

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answer

it's funny cause i would have written you a mail last night titled "name dropping"...but after my short message to you i didnt find it appropriate.

Very very clearly: i never had an affair with (...). I dont even know if her name is really (...). We only comminicate via comments not messages. She's not in love with me and i am not in love with her. It's all a game. She likes to provoke all my "friends" and i like to provoke her "friends".

But over a year ago I had a short affair with (...). It never was realised (meaning: we never met) and today we are not even remotely connected emotionally.

I dont like to mention names, but i think you should know those things. Of course i am scared that you don't believe me, but i am also glad you asked me. I like you so much and i dont want any unanswered questions/doubt floating around.

You are much too important to me to let doubt disturbing what we have.

i hope you trust me.

you can.

cause you mean so much to me.

yours

Jakob.

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I HEARD IT. I FELT IT.

I WILL WHISPER THOSE WORDS TO YOU ALL DAY

i love you

AND I WILL CARRY YOUR WORDS TO ME WITH ME

AND I WILL CARESS THEM AND SLEEP WITH THEM AND I WILL WAKE UP AND THE FEELING YOUR WORDS TO GIVES ME WILL MAKE ME SMILE AND I WILL THINK "I LOVE HER !"

AND IT'S TRUE.

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i meant april. i am sitting and looking at my work plan for march that's probably why i accidentally wrote march. Besides i am still a bit sleepy.

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my plans for tonight will be: working ! from 19.30 and all night. But i dont want to work, i want to feel your (....)

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Worked all night with my arse up in the air and my head down i a computer tower. Logged on for some secs..just to read your message and then the pc broke down -again. Anyway, it wasn't bad of an evening. Finished around four-thirty and then went for a few late night drinks.

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can you forgive me for telling you this:

if you had broke up with me, i would have skipped my work and taken a flight to z.. I am not kidding, D.

I want you so much. Not just lust and desire. I want to be by your side, i want to show you i love you. I am not a ghost. I never will be. It might take some time but i know we will meet. not only one time but many times.

I don't look at you as my lover. i look at you as my beloved one. i look at myself as being in a relationship.

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but that is the problem. i still havent get my phone fixed. they keep telling me it will be ok soon and so far those norvegians can't solve the problem with my phone.

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Been working like a dog for the last three days. I hope you don't think that i am not thinking of you, cause you are on my mind all day and night long.

This is the last evening/night i have to work..then i have some days off. The last couple of days has been working, home and shower and sleep and then working again. I dont mind working hard but i do mind that i am absent from myspace which so far is the only contact i have with you.

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(....) a desription of my left arm/hand... from the shoulder and down to the albue there is a tattoo (i wasn't more than 16 years old when i had that made, so i am kinda excused)..

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I know we both flirt around and for me it is ok. I have a distinct line: no sex and not making people falling really in love with me and i trust you have your own definition of where your line goes and that you are just as well capable of staying insde it.

simply said: i am yours. truely yours.

________________________________

promise to call you.

promise not to forget you

promise to tell you our unsaid words in the telephone when i call.

________________________________

i freaked out when i saw your music history 8the thing in your player where you can watch which songs you have had on your player)..i saw that you had a new song inbetween our lucinda osng...i made me freak out and being so scared.

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i want the whole world to know you are my girlfriend, my love.

and i will be so happy if you did the same..i wish you would. Maybe in time when you feel it's the right time.

in fact, the whole world knows how madly in love with you i am.

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i know for sure something is going on in my life and it's not just a flick..it really is a permanent thing. My feelings.Yesterday i was kind of ecstatic because you didnt rejected me because the voice thing. Today i feel safe, good and loved.

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first of all Arhus and Stavanger is so SMALL..it's quite a transformation coming from barcelona and to Arhus (300.000 citizens) and then to stavanger (130.000)..it is to be honest quite boring. 

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but just the feeling of walking hand in hand...

besides i promised you Roma, didn't i ?

yes, in case you haven't noticed: i love you !!!

yours

Jakob.
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It takes 3andhalf months until he finally calls me for the first time. How difficult can it be to call someone ? The explanations and elusions can hardly close the first small cracks in the wall and lingering doubts about the truth with regards to his ongoing flirts on myspace get the confidence in him shaken. 

D.

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Jakob & women:

When I first visited his page in December 2007 he had a lot of virtual flirts and sexual games ongoing with women and men. (remember ? His relationship status stated: in a relationship) That has never changed at no time, no matter if he was "in a relationship" or not and it never will change. I don't judge sexual preferences. What I want to make clear is that it makes NO difference for him who or what you are. He takes what he gets but usually it is easier to manipulate womens emotions. He doesn't perceive your individual personality because it is not his interest to know you. You are important as a player in his game, you are a sexual and/or financial occasion, a victim or in best case a partner for his games, that's it.

He is not only flirting as he affirms. He is cheating.

When partners/lovers agree to have an open relationship at some point it is a fair game.

When partners/lovers agree to have a closed relationship and one of them still declares love to others  and fucks others (online, on the phone or in real) it is a cheat.

Confronting your partner with the truth is hard and painful but one way to treat your partner respectful. (A lie can be even more respectful in some rare cases but then make it straight ! Usually it doesnt work anyway, a lie will see the light sooner or later.) To lie the way Jakob does means not only to play a self-centered game and shying away from consequences but also to devaluate the partners personality.

Jakob and I agreed on a closed relationship. He is very much jealous and afraid of rivals. But it did not prevent him from breaking his own words (I have a distinct line: no sex and not making people falling really in love with me) and to fool around. What I wanted from Jakob was honesty no matter with what results. I loved him truly. What I got were lies, lies, lies. And he clearly did bring our love in danger. No, I was not the only one (simply said: i am yours. truely yours.). What he states in a message to me about his past affairs is perhaps 5% of the truth.. He had affairs with several women from different countries. He "loved" them the same written and telephonic way. He fucked their minds and bodies the same way. He told everyone the same way she is the only one . And forgive me, Ladies to tell you that: You are not ! You will never be the only one. Nor will you be special to him. (Did he ever take care about the pain he causes to you ? Did he ever did something for you only (without a hidden agenda) ?) 

Get blind and ignore the truth then you might get along with it. But the painful moment you decide to open your eyes and ears you will have to face it.

A short list of his unbelievable lies again:

for me this is more than an internet flirt. Much much more.

i am not and was never "unfaithful" to you. There was never room for another one than you.

So for me it is a precious thing, a thing i like to us to keep, a thing i like to give you...

my love letter to you.

there's no way i can fall for another woman. And they can't fall for me cause i will never allow it to come so far.

I am not the jealous kind, i'm a believer. (...)

"Meeting" you made me realize what i really wanted, what i really needed..something genuine, something deep...not just flirtatious comments and "i love you" said after a few days. I believe in love, i actually believe in the possibility of loving another person even you haven't physically being together with that person yet, but i dont believe in loving a person only after a short while. For me it takes time, a long time. 

It's nice and it's totally safe because i am so much aware of your presence in my heart, there's no way i can fall for another woman. And they can't fall for me cause i will never allow it to come so far.

i love you

Jakob & work:

He writes a lot about the work he is doing (IT.) The hard truth is that he did NOT work.

Not one day.  Everything was a lie.

i am sitting and looking at my work plan for march 

my plans for tonight will be: working ! from 19.30 and all night. But i dont want to work, i want to feel your (....)

Worked all night with my arse up in the air and my head down i a computer tower.

Been working like a dog for the last three days.

Other lies:

from the shoulder and down to the albue there is a tattoo

No, there is no tattoo.

promise to call you.

That promise was broken again.

First of all Arhus and Stavanger is so SMALL..it's quite a transformation coming from barcelona and to Arhus (300.000 citizens) and then to stavanger (130.000)

That makes me really wonder if he really was in Italy because he doesnt mention it here anymore..?!

My friend was a bit surprised.

Which friend ?