meeting the real Jakob Maltese - june 2008

Fighting means writing. In june 2008 he fights for me that way. 
For weeks now Jakob diligently writes me one email every day and tries to make up what is broken. At first I ignore his mails. I want nothing to do with him anymore. Where was he at the crucial moment ? Where was his "protecting me" and his "man inside me" when I needed him? After the many emails and a virtually lived love story with all the sweet promises and plans we made, his absence on that april evening was the biggest disappointment and left an ugly crack in the picture. Nevertheless he writes on and on and once in a while I ask for reasons still in the hope for a clue to the mess. Subsequent declarations and promises sound like a dull echo of the past few months. He uses the same beautiful words. But I know them already.


you can have my old address.. you can even write to it. I called the friend who has the appartment now and told him that someday there could me letters from you.

(...)

I have started reading your messages.. i only a few but i need to answer a lot of questions. And i will. I dont like the feeling you tell me have giving me your address and not having mine. (...)


Jakob keeps the old game going and instead on giving up on me and to accept my break-up or at least to give me a concrete answer he covers me with new lies and manipulates me into a new honest impression of him supported by  his ostensible frankness in messages like this which sound reasonable again. 
The friend he mentions is his brother and so is the address. It was never Jakobs appartment. 
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(...)
My D. about tonight. It is possible that the awful woman i coming home tonight already. I will write you as soon as I know. I hope she wont be here before tomorrow night but right now i am not sure. (...)


The "awful woman" is his wife. Why did he not get a divorce if she is that awful ? Whether is she awful nor in any way bad to Jakob. He lives for free in her house, she buys what he needs and so on.  She covers all his needs and is therefor useful enough for Jakob. He is thanking her by cheating on her. To use the description "awful" is plain manipulation and evil.
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i wrote the letter and enclosed it with my earring. (...)


A prevalent lie. He did not.
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Love matches anger. Nevertheless, I continue to  read Jakobs messages until I decide to write him a last goodbye. Sweet pain is still what it is, pain. So I cry, make a hard cut and write him. But it is no option for him to let me go. He knows how to play the strings so well and gets me back by putting in all the things I loved about him. I get this email from him: „I love you so much. Do you know what I am going through ? I have a whole bottle of whiskey and I am drunk. You have absolutely no fucking clue how much I miss you. Call me, now !“ 
And I call and he talks and he weeps and he excuses and he promises and it goes on that way for hours. (see chapter: december 2007)
The next day I knew that I have to see him. I loved him, I hated him, I wanted him. I had enough from games and hiding. If everything he wrote and said was true just at a fraction I wanted him. And if it wasn't true I wanted him anyway. I didn't care about the reasons. 
I book a flight to Norway, make a hotel reservation and write him that I will come to see him. He is happy and promises to pick me up from the airport. He isn't there when I arrive. So I take a taxi. The driver hands me his number at the hotel in case "your boyfriend doesn't come to see you". I nod and wink him goodbye, turn to the hotel and see the profile of a man through the window. I go in and the man gets up from his chair. It is Jakob. 
We don't say much. He just puts his arms around me and we go to the room. We don't leave the room anymore. We don't eat. We don't sleep. We hardly talk. The other time we fuck. And then we make love. I lay in his arms when we smoke and he whispers promises in my ear. Maybe we knew that these days will be the only innocent days we will have. Jakob is still a mystery to me after four days but the little things he tells me are not out of the ordinary and seem even  to fit to my lifestyle. He tells me that he worked as music journalist for a certain danish magazine. He tells me that he also once had a radioshow in Denmark. It's nice and easy to  discuss denmark, copenhagen, the music scene there and others. It's not nice to discuss some incoming messages from his "ex"wife while we are in the hotel. She writes me that Jakob is wanted by the police and that I have to tell her where he is. As I am not answering I get a next message. Now she writes that she will give my number to the police as they need to find Jakob. He denies the content and calls her a monster.
On the last morning he robs the buffet for us. We eat and leave for the airport.

I miss you so much and I will never never regret that we met.
What's following is a very short update of my whereabouts since i went back to pick up my things. If i have time (i'm at the library now) i will write you about some things which has been on my mind for  the last day or two.
So i went back "home" to pick up my things and leave for good. The house was empty when i came home. So i grabbed a beer and light a cigarette, whhich immediately made me think of you..of the way we smoke. I began to look arouind in the house to see if i could find the "missing" things. I couldnt but i could see some other things were missing too. The phone. The internet connection. Well, it didnt really matter to me. I felt so happy. Late in the evening her friend came back and told me that (...) "needed" some time alone. I asked how long time and she told me "a few more days". I said i could wait if she would promise to persuade (...) to give me my creditcard, my passport and my clothes. She didnt knew she had took it away from me and of course she agreed. I was alone in the house so i decided to check her pc, basically just to ,listen to some mp3 songs which i once had stored on her pc. What i found was a long list of "stories" she made up-probably to send you and maybe to others cause she had written down one of my brothers email adress as well. I think what shocked me the most was not the stories but the way the story was listed. With small notes attached as if she anticipated some questions and would be prepared to answer. anyway, it didnt felt good to read and i seriously considered to call the police but i remember what you told me about how much she wants an reaction. So i didnt do anything. I took a shower, shaved and went to bed where i fell asleep with (...) . Yesterday i woke up and rushed to the library (...)


He blames his wife for stealing creditcard, passport and clothes. But he does not own any of them. No creditcard, no valid passport and no clothes. He simply doesnt own anything. Instead he cheated on her with me while he was telling me at the same time she was his ex-wife and there is no connection or feelings anymore between them. That was indeed contrary from the truth. No wonder she is hurted and tries to react. I did not know the true situation back then  and considered her as the "troublemaker ", according to Jakobs words and explanations.
She never was. Its all part of his game.
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(...), but it was the only way i could tell you: don't ever leave me. D., i dont get a kick out of "dangerous" situations. I used to. But not anymore. I am too old to deal with the pain that follows. My situation right now is painful not because i am afraid it can break me cause that won't happen but because i simply feel too old to live like this. Sure it is okay to live like this when you are 20 but not when you're my age. I simply feel embarrassed. But i also know that this is just a temporary thing i have to deal with.
What i found out is that loving you is the best kick i ever had. I go through all sorts of emotions these days but what's left at the end of the day is a deep unconditional love for you and a thankfullness for your feelings for me.
I made my mind up about leaving for denmark. Nothing can make me stay here in Norway. But since i am alone in the house i just as well can wait for the money to come the 1st. How i with deal with taking her my clothes, creditcard and stuff..i will have to deal with later.


It seems to be a preferred strategy of Jakob to tell people the exact opposite of the truth. He very much gets a kick out of dangerous situation. And he still keeps the lie alive of him getting or earning money. But there is no money, no job, no nothing. 
Clothes, creditcard, stuff....it doesn't exist except in his fantasy. You cannot take away something what is not there. But blaming others seems the other preferred strategy of Jakob. 
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Back in Switzerland I was sure. 
Jakob and me, this is love.
D.